Hey all, this poem is written in the style of Larkin's This Be The Verse which is the reason for the rating so if you don't like swearing, don't read it.
They steal your health...
They steal your health, these kids of ours,
They may not mean to but they do
With 'Buy me clothes' - or flashy cars -
'And I'll do something nice for you.'
But 'something nice' I've yet to see
And time grows shorter to the day
There won't be you, no longer me
And they'll have always had their way.
Remember though, here comes their turn -
They'll age and die just as we do,
They'll scatter ashes from your urn
And argue with their children too.
______________
Thoughts?
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
This was cool and creative. I thought it flowed really well and you had a nice rhythem going there!
Nice work!
Hee, this is cute.
Nice rhythm and although I haven't read anything of Larkin's, the beat seemed kind of familiar.
Apostrophe after the N: won't.
I agree with Leja that one of the lines has too many syllables. Too wordy.
Well, that's all I have to say! Nice poem. =)
Cheers,
Camille xx
Love your style, kitty, rythm was great, everything wonderful...
The content was rather cynical, a bit strange, and definately not always true!
If I just listen to the words themselves, how they sound rather than what they mean, then this is great. Most people beat me to whatever else I might have said:)
Oh, one more thing,
Should it be 'these kids of yours', since you say 'your health'?
Always, keep writing.
*adna*
I'm not a huge fan either, it's just the one poem that I like and it's more for what it says than how it's written. I'd really like to have a go at Hardy's style actually or perhaps Blake? Maybe I'll do a collection of inspired works sometime soon,
Heather xx
AGHHHH LARKIN! I wrote an essay on him (-; and got pretty good marks too! I have to say you have definately captured his style. Not that I'm a big fan of his work. However, I like the ideas within the poem.
Laters sister,
Claire x
Love this, The rhyme is great and the idea is great!!
I really cant criticise this 1 at all but absolutely love it!!!
Dofs...
Ok...that's weird...I was just thinking about the original poem earlier,(can't quite remember why...) but I couldn't remember the name.
I really like it Kit. The rhythm is perfect, and I how you've transfigured Larkin's piece. The ending was great and packed a punch as Larkin's own ending does, which was brilliant.
I'm not sure about;
"And time grows shorter to the day
There wont be you, no longer me ."
Maybe try "every" instead of "to the." I'm not sure what you meant by "they won't be you, no longer me", and I think it may be a touch too obscure given that this is based around Larkin's piece.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Very clever, and your point is well made. It's impressive how you managed to stick to Larkin's form so perfectly while expressing your own thoughts so well.
Let me start off by saying that I like your style and I'm avidly reading your pieces to try and get a better picture of the author behind the words.
Unfortunately, I did not feel this was one of your stronger pieces. Your sentiments are they and they are strong and cynical and dark, but they are way too far ahead of the rest of the poem. You've got this message into the innocent destruction that children invoke, and it works and it's true and it's a strong perspective, but it feels that you're too retricted by meter and ryhme. It's like you're trying to say something, but the poem isn't quite working for you, or your particular format is too small. Remember, there are over hundreds of meters and rhyme schemes. You need to be able to pick the one that will give you the flexibility to fit your purpose. At times, it looks as if you're forced to adopt a different vocabulary to fit the ryhme and it just doesn't blend well with the rest of the words you choose. If you create a revised version of this, please tell me. This poem has great poetential and you already have everything you need, but it just needs some tweaking. Sorry for being so negative, but you have the materials to do something even greater with this and I think you should pursue it. Best regards and happy writing!
They steal your health, these kids of ours,
But, whatever. You're a great poet! KEEP WRITING!
They may not mean to but they do
With 'Buy me clothes' - or flashy cars -
'And I'll do something nice for you.' No "and"
But 'something nice' I've yet to see
And time grows shorter to the day
There wont be you, no longer me
And they'll have always had their way. "And they'll always have their way"
Remember though, here comes their turn -
They'll age and die just as we do, -
They'll scatter ashes from your urn
And argue with their children too. - Oh! Haha.
I liked this poem. BUT WE DONT STEAL YOUTH. WE'RE AWESOME!
Yeah. Your rhyming was great.. I just wish the 'do' (third stanza, second line) didn't have to be there
I thought that was a really cool poem. I'm very bad at poetry, so I thought it was cool that you could actually rhyme! 0_0 Maybe I'm easily amazed..........but still, I thought it was really good! Now I want to read the rest of your poems!
I loved this line. It just had the quick step-step pace without being overburdened.
Overall, I liked the flow of the poem. It was a sing-song chant and you played your rhyme scene well.
A thumbs-up from me. Amelia beat me to anything else I might have said.
~GryphonFledgling
I thought this quote had a funny rhythm? Too many sounds, maybe, in the "just as we do".
An apt response to the Larkin poem! I find it interesting that while Larkin focused more on not passing such traits on to the next generation by simply not creating a next generation, you focused on the reality that there will be a next generation, and it won't be any different.
I also liked how the Larkin poem looked to the past to explain how things led up to the present, but you used the present to look to the future. I don't think I would have liked it much, had it not been paired with the Larkin poem, but seeing the two together, I find it very interesting. Is this meant to stand alone as written in the same style, or did you really mean for it to be a response to that poem? If you did, you might want to include a touch of wordplay somewhere to reference the original poem, in case they should become separated at any time.
The clothes and flashy cars threw me off because they were two things so modern, but in an older style; where the Larkin poem and the rest of your poem were rough- or gritty-sounding, these phrases were almost too smooth and I slipped on them like I slip on black ice. Could be good, could be bad, depending on your intention for the poem.
Stylistically, it works very well. It flows wonderfully, and there were only two places my eyes hitched. Notice, however, how in his poem, Larkin uses in the second stanza specifics like style of dress and how the previous generation interacted to really draw a picture. See if you can do something similar with "time goes shorter to the day", maybe?
Happy writing!
-Amelia