Through Jealous Eyes
Through tinted glass
I watch this wretched world go round,
Through tinted glass
I watch the wondrous people pass -
A kaleidoscope to astound
But colours lie, or so I've found,
Through tinted glass.
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Thank you everyone!
MrMarathon - The rhyme with 'pass' wasn't intentional though the rest was. Pass just seemed to fit quite snugly but I can see how it's all a little awkward.
Vernon - You'd be surprised if I told you how long ago this was actually written and then, then it seemed essential that the meaning be hidden. I'm tempted to write the meaning into another poem now though. There's so much imagery I could work with.
Summer - You're right. It works better without the commas. Thank you.
I like the repeated line, "Through tinted glass."
Nice alliteration. It helps make the poem flow.
The commas, pointed out by the red arrows, aren't needed. I think it's better to take them out because it keeps the poem concise all the while meaningful.
It's simple, clean, and every line--every word--plays an important part.
Good job. *clicks gold star* :]
- Summerless
It's interesting but the meaning isn't exactly clear. But experimenting fun, just maybe try and somehow get a the meaning clearer in these few lines. Sure ya can manage this. Nothing else much to say. It's an interesting style but no way in hell could I do it lmao.
Good luck
VSN
one thing I would watch out for I suppose is the fact that you ended up rhyming the last lines of each line that wasn't the repeated line.
I guess I'll give you an example. It goes, "glass, round, glass, pass, astound,found, glass."
Do you see what I mean? It kind of ruins the flow if you have "pass" in there. you can fix it to match the rest or change up a few of the other lines. Mix and match it to make it more organized I suppose.
I don't know if this rhyme was your intention. It sounds kind of cool though. Good job!
I like the simplicity (I HATE HATE HATE a LOT of elaboration) and how you got the meaning across using a metaphor. I just plain like it
It's called a Rondelet.
Yay, we love experiments!
This one didn't really hit it's mark though. I think you can keep the repetition of the first line, if you so desire so you can change the imagery in the other, supporting lines. For example, instead of saying "wretched people" you can put a short description of the people. And so on, so forth.
Just because I'm curious, what is the name of the format you're experimenting with, or are you being adventurous and making it up?
I would agree with that criticism except that it's the style of the poem I was experimenting with. The format is -
4 syllables
8 syllables
repeat line 1
8 syllables
8 syllables
8 syllables
repeat line 1
so there isn't much room for flexibility. Thanks for the critique though and I will try to make my meaning clearer in future.
I think you should maybe add more.
I didn't really get what you were trying to say. I also think maybe you shouldn't use "tinted glass" a lot. Except for that it was pretty good.
