Young Writers Society

Thanks for the help Jas! I love your suggestions for making it more colloquial, that's perfect. I knew there was something I didn't like about this XD

Hey Kit,

I really enjoyed this. You handle the form beautifully. I think that the second half of the poem is stronger; the imagery is better and the character of the speaker comes across more powerfully. I especially enjoyed;

"Why not the fairy girl with painted wings
(So delicate) no buyer has complained!"

"I beg of you, take these (fake) diamond rings
Or those lace gloves, they're hardly even stained."

and

"If you must have the puppet of all things."

I'd try to make the opening stanzas a little stronger. I think that
"I fear they keep his serpent soul contained." is a little much and I'd try something more colloquial and less abstract.

I'd change "that others hardly" to "that hardly any" because I think it sounds more natural.

I think that "You'd have yourself a bargain then obtained." sounds a bit awkward. Maybe try something like "Could any greater bargain be obtained?"

A very fresh piece, beautifully suited to the form.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Thank you! My mum doesn't like puppets either lol. I wasn't allowed one as a child but I have one now and it's awesome XD It's a monster puppet so not as scary as the doll ones, I'd kind of like one of those at some point though...

Love the point of view, you did a great job with this poem!

My mom thinks puppets (especially marionettes) are scary, clowns too, she puts on her 'never buy these toys for my children' list. lol

*Clicks 'like' button*

Quetseli: Thank you! I can see how the form might make the poem confusing. My general idea was that the persona is a dealer/ salesman in some form and he wants to pass the puppet on to someone else so he's pointing out the flaws in his other objects and using reverse phsycology. The puppet's probably cursed as well though so they can't say they weren't warned XD

Lydia: Hi! Yup, that it is XD I'm hoping to clean it up now I've got more time. Thanks for the compliments, I'm hoping to practice my poetry more this year

Hello Kitty!

Am I right in thinking that this was your Villanelle entry for the Olympics?

I really like it, I like the storyline, it;s really powerful.
As far as I can tell the construction of the poem is perfect and the rhyme works well and dosen't seem forced or like you have based the poem around the rhyme scheme.

I can't fault it, the subject was intriguing and what with my fear of china dolls and clowns etc. I found this quite freaky.

Well Done,
Keep Writing and Good Luck (This should definately win a medal)
~Lydia

I don't beileve I heard of a villanelle, if that relates at all to how the poem is written. It's a confusing poem, the idea of it unclear, but I believe its because the "villanelle" part that I don't have any idea about. If I knew and if it relates to the poem, I would say this is well done. It's lovely and continue on with your work. :3