Villains never win.
Night. Dark and moonless. Perfect. Time to go.
I creep along and scale the building.
Good, no one heard. Of course that’s so,
I’m the best. At the top. On the ceiling;
Literally and below me are my enemies.
I’m a spy so I listen and I hear my name.
They’re planning my death. I steal the keys.
I lock them in, nowhere to run. It’s like a game.
I just have to shoot them all and I win.
As usual I’ll have to sneak away, no fame
And yet I don’t mind. I watch and grin.
I do this every day. It’s all the same.
I bide my time and shoot the first bullet.
The target moves and suddenly I’m running.
They were ready, they’re all armed I bet.
Now it’s my life on the line and I’m cursing.
No longer a game. I reach the door but it’s locked.
Great, beaten by my own trick. It’s happened before.
There’s another exit and now it’s blocked.
I have to use all my cunning and lore.
I get out, leave their secret base.
For now I live to fight another day.
I slow down, set the pace.
It’s like putting on a play.
They’ll follow me and then I’m dead,
Done and dusted with all things said.
I know my part, know my card.
Being a villain is just so hard.
*Edit* Thanks Prosithion, I shall add the stanzas now =)
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Hey, just to let you know I don't have time to comment on the errors, but I just had to write a review because I feel like I'm stealing or something If I read a great poem and then don't bother telling the writer what I think about it.
Wow, brilliant title for one thing. You certainly know how to reel potiental readers in, especially me, whose a little picky like that.
Anyho, I really enjoyed the 'In the head of a pyscopath' kinda thing you've got going on here, so well done you.
PM me when you write some more, pretty please!
Great Job,
Eimear xx
Sleeping valor - I'll start with the prologue though it might take me a bit of time (I've seen the length now) but I'll feel better reading the whole thing rather than starting part way through.
LoveableLittleSock - Thank you. I'll probably do a re-write at some point and incorporate some of your suggestions =)
Gahks - Thank you for the advice and encouragement! Very helpful
This is one of the better poems I have read. Well done.
The first line has too many full stops. I like the end-stopped sentences in the rest of the piece - it's just the start that's problematic. So many full stops in such a short space is jarring.
Try: "A dark, moonless night. Time to go."
I think a dash would be better after "On the ceiling" rather than a semi-colon:
"On the ceiling-
Literally and below me are my enemies."
The "and" here doesn't make sense. Did you mean "Literally below me"? I also feel a comma would be more appropriate here:
"Literally below me, my wily enemies." Something like that.
Good job, anyway. 8.5/10
Night. Dark and moonless. Perfect. Time to go.
)) your a great poet! KEEP WRITING!
I creep along and scale the building.
Good, no one heard. Of course that’s so,
I’m the best. At the top. On the ceiling; .. is this cat woman?
Literally and below me are my enemies. Why literally? Use another word
I’m a spy so I listen and I hear my name.
They’re planning my death. I steal the keys.
I lock them in, nowhere to run. It’s like a game. Haha. losers.
I just have to shoot them all and I win.
As usual I’ll have to sneak away, no fame
And yet I don’t mind. I watch and grin.
I do this every day. It’s all the same. You do this everyday? Seriously - cat woman? Lol JK.
I bide my time and shoot the first bullet.
The target moves and suddenly I’m running.
They were ready, they’re all armed I bet.
Now it’s my life on the line and I’m cursing. - try to get rid of "and im cursing"
No longer a game. I reach the door but it’s locked.
Great, beaten by my own trick. It’s happened before.
There’s another exit and now it’s blocked.
I have to use all my cunning and lore.
I get out, leave their secret base.
For now I live to fight another day.
I slow down, set the pace.
It’s like putting on a play. - love the rhyming scheme
They’ll follow me and then I’m dead,
Done and dusted with all things said.
I know my part, know my card.
Being a villain is just so hard.
Wow. Well, I really liked how you told the story, and how it flowed so great. Try not to add to many thoughts like 'good' in 'good, no one heard.' or 'im a spy so i listen.' just say, "i listen'
=P I know you didn't. But I'm procrastinating so I felt like looking it up. ^_^ I will do a great number of things (even clean my room!) in the name of procrastination. Reviewing stuff on YWS is just one of the more amusing alternatives. =P
And yeah, you could read it if you'd like. I'd recommend reading the prologue first, but its kinda long so you can always skip strait to chapter one. =P
Hahahaha. I didn't mean go and read it. Lol.
It's older than you know actually. I posted it on here not long after joining but it was written a few months before then, about January 2007 I think.
Thanks for the comment =)
Would you like me to review that novel of yours? I'll put it on my list, see if I can't have a few suggestions by tomorrow.
I loved the ending.
There's a lot of full stops, which do kind of play havoc with the rhythm. But I have no suggestions, I personally suck at most poetry. =P
^_^ I very much liked it, cool topic.
Hm. Too many full stops; I agree with Clau's analysis of that as "jumpy and cluttered." The rest of it has a great deal of potential; why turn a reader off with a poor choice of punctuation in the very beginning? ^~
Interesting rhyme scheme ^_~
I didn't like it very much, and I can't say much. It was like a story with lots and lots and lots of introspection put in verse form. It had a rhyme scheme, but I didn't even know it did until I saw the last stanza, then I looked back at the rest--and it did have a rhyme scheme.
But it just didn't work for me. In certain places your punctuation was strangle, like in the first line, all those full stops? It makes it really hard to read. And I don't feel anything, its just jumpy and cluttered, and like I said, it feels like a really introspective story.
Hehe. You mean like Tori didn't realise she was a villain? Seriously though, I miss her too and Amelia. Perhaps one day we will write a sequel for that one too...
As for your suggestions, thank you very much. I shall look into making some changes in just a moment...
I liked it, especially the ending.I don't like "Good, no one heard." I think this is a little too colloquial, and is a bit out of synch with the overall register, and the "so" at the end of line three sounded like forced rhyming.
I'm not sure you need the word "actually", I think it weakens your statement.I like the rest of the stanxa, reminded me of Tori (I miss her!).I like the next stanza too, and teh next, with teh exception of "I bet." Again I feel it's too colloquial and I think it kind of weakens the seriousness of the situation.Next stanza is fine, but I'd omit the word "great".Next one is fine too.
For the final stanza I'd change "they'll" to "they", as you're switching between tenses and I think it makes it sound a little jerky.
Overall I enjoyed it, but, perhaps for the sake of being difficult, I'd raise the point that, a lot of the time, villains don't seem to realise that they're villains.May be worth considering.
uh, alright. Interesting peice, but WOW, please put stanzas in it. It makes it very daunting to read.
This is ackward. I had to read it over a few times.change 'literally' and 'actually'. they don't fit.get rid of 'then'
other then this, It's a great poem. Rhythm is kinda off, but good none the less.