Mother, I love you

The faucets of this glass
which always lie true
are engraved with words -
Mother, I love you. - Wow. That stanza flows perfectly.

Your voice echoes long
in this hollow domain:
"Tha needs teh get the sen a coat lass
afore goin' out in teh rain."

Your humour extinguished;
embraces of ice -
surrounded by anger
and encased in 'nice'.

Nice drawing you say
or that essay looks nice,
But I can't be a writer;
no, there's more to entice.

You push me to reach
vast heights that evade -
fragile heart splinters
on the dreams that we've made.

These faucets have broken
and truth lies askew.
The fragments are spelling -
Mother, I love you.

Oh mi goodness. Wow. So.. perfect and wonderful. It tells of a story that is just greatly portrayed in a poem that is absoloutely flawless. I wish I could critique it so you could edit some imperfections... but obviously there aren't any. So great job with this! You shoudl totally try to get it published!
KEEP WRITING!

I cannot say anything but that was excellent. It had a vary strong meaning, it flowed, and it is own of those meaningful poems that make you go ''huh'' and not in the bad way. This is what you'd see in hallmark cards, only the poem is better. so goodjob.

Thank you for the comments everyone and for the criticism Jas and Gadi.

Jasmine - Thank you. I'm glad you found my poem 'nice' haha. That fourth stanza needs some real work so thank you for the advice and the compliment but we both know your poems are superior.

Gadi - I'm glad you took a critical view on it. There's a lot about this poem I dislike and I intend to do a re-write at some point so I'll read through your comments again then but they've already given me an idea or two. And you're right about the whole 'chain-letter' style. I used to write like that a lot and sometimes I find myself slipping back into its restraints. Thanks for the help.

Okay--it was good. But it was dull, old good. It was "aww" good. It wasn't good in the sense that I'll remember it, and here are some reasons:

Your humour extinguished;
embraces of ice -
surrounded by anger
and encased in 'nice'.

I see what you are trying to say here, but it feels more like a jumble of words, descriptions, than a real character analysis. This is what I would call boring--"embraces of ice", "humour extinguished", "surrounded by anger"--and I suggest you delete this entire stanza.

Nice drawing you say
or that essay looks nice,
But I can't be a writer;
no, there's more to entice.

Here, you switch styles: before it was almost formal, almost unpersonal, when here you seem to delve away by not putting "Nice drawing you say" and "that essay looks nice" in quotes. You are trying to make them sound generic, but to me they sound more like a complete overhaul of the style you managed to fortify before. I think you should radically change this one, but not get rid of it.

These faucets have broken
and truth lies askew.
The fragments are spelling -
Mother, I love you.

This is way too much, don't you think? I think you could have made it more subtle, but this is almost like a huge punch in the face. You should maybe describe something that connects you two, or maybe disconnects--a relationship aspect. This sounds more like a good ending to a chain-letter poem, but not to a poet like you.

What I liked about this was the actual formal tone of this piece. If I had to place a mental image to this poem, I would put this awfully lonely pink flower sitting on a white table. No idea why, but your style is very evoking.

Hope I helped!!!

I love this! It's just beautiful how it flows and its rhythm is fantastic! It'd be a sin to not show this to your mom!



No chatspeak, please. ~ Snoink.

Lovely, Kit. The flow was beautiful, and I loved the little snippet of dialogue. It really instilled it with life. Sometimes your rhyming made your phrasing a bit odd e.g;

"But I can't be a writer;
no, there's more to entice. "

"You push me to reach
vast heights that evade -"

...but I reckon we can put this down to poetic license

Maybe try "that essay is nice." Or else try;

"Nice essay" you say,
or "that drawing looks nice."'

This is really nice, Kit. Don't know how you did it. I can never manage pieces like this. Hope this helps.

Jas

That was wonderful! Every stanza flowed seamlessly with the next. You created lots of great images to convey your point. You definitely showed and didn't tell.

These faucets have broken
and truth lies askew.
The fragments are spelling -
Mother, I love you.

Very good! I agree with Twilight fan up there^^ Sometimes poems like these can be cliche but you did a great job on this. Very original!

Keep on writing:

**L_A

Wow, thats really pretty. I don't have any suggestions because I couldn't find anything wrong. Most poems people write for other people are usually boring and cliche ( You mean the world to me, You're the nicest person in the world, and so continues the endless list) But you did a really great job of making it original and beautiful without sounding corny. Exxxxxxcellllllleeeeeent job!