*Scroll down for the edited version.*
Emotions teem and tangle, crossing wires
with buried -
treasure all unearthed in zealous
pattern by -
shallow hands know not what they
hold in cradled laps, absent of
children's toys while -
bodies lurk beneath.
_____________
I started to hate short poetry recently. I mean, I've always been annoyed by Haiku because there just isn't the space to say everything you want but somehow, this sums up exactly how I was feeling and I think perhaps I should try it more often. Suggestions? And don't be afraid to tell me if you think it's too short XD
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Emotions teem and tangle, crossing wires
with buried -
treasure all unearthed in zealous
pattern by -
fingers scrambling in the depths
of earthen tunnels where -
shallow hands know not what they
hold in cradled laps, absent of
children's toys while -
bodies lurk beneath.
____________
Just a small change for the moment.
Thank you for the prompt and many replies my dears =) On the question of could it be extended, I think yes it could. I'll have a look at how I might do that later today and do some experimenting with the punctuation and wording. Might put another version up at some point next week but you know how I am XD (Read: lazy)
Short and succinct but goddamn sweet, Kitty.
You captured the sense of distraction and wanderlust in the speaker extremely well here. The use of hyphens threw me a little at first, but I guess that's the point. The tone is indeed ethereal!
As others have said, your alliterated 't' sounds in "teem and tangle" are just perfect and really set the tone for the poem in their harsh abrasiveness. I don't normally like short poems - I would have said expand the ideas more - but you won me over with this one. Good job!
9/10
1. ~ You don't need the hyphens. They just confuse the reader.
2. ~ In the fourth line, pattern should be plural.
Other than that, I really liked this. You said a lot with out really saying anything. Does that make sense? Anywayz, amazing job. Gold star for you.
Hmmm...let me see...the first line is good, I love the alliteration of "teem and tangle". I've read this about four times now trying to think of something useful to say. On the first read I had no idea what you were getting at and the hyphens irritated me, but now I like the hesitation which the hyphens cause, and the change of direction for which they allow. The speaker's distraction has also started to come through. I love the haunting ending. I think now I'm a little closer to your mindframe in writing this. The imagery is good, especially "absent of children's toys." It's not your usual stuff, but I do think it's good. Sorry I can't be more helpful, I think it's too freewriting/drunken poetry for me to be more critical.
Oh and I don't think it's too short, I think it's nicely self contained. It works as a couple of seconds in your mind.
Maybe you could add 'crossing wires' to the second line? teem and tangle are good descriptive words but something isn't quite there. I can't pin-point it.
-
This would be good but it just halts everything for about two seconds and it sounds a little rigid. I like the words though! Just not here, maybe you could re-phrase it?
I love the words you have here, I liked this poem. I think if you could expand it a little more it would be fantastic, short poems have never really been my favorite. I had to read it twice because the first time I didn't understand it. That's good though. I like poems that I have to re-read to get the meaning!
Sorry I couldn't do much more here. But as I said, expand it. If you decide to do that then PM me and I'll be more than happy to look at it!
---Jon---
I find the line breaks a little strange. I like poetry to flow without a stop between terms like "buried treasure." It jolts me right out of the poem and I can't really get back in.
After reading this about three times to get over the line-breaks, I find it's pretty deep but- short. Thing is, I don't know if there is room for expansion in this work.
~Rosey