This is the eleventh of my NaPo poem and probably my second favourite though I only wrote fifteen (fail!). I'm rather fond of the first stanza but feel free to rip wherever you feel it's needed.
#11 Amber Riches
Once or twice perhaps but not as often
as it seemed and he didn't break
the skin or strike too hard.
It was the drink, not him;
his partiality to believe
that gin could pay his bills and pave his way
in amber rubble of the mind.
It might have been three or four
but never more than ten,
not in one night
and he was the penitent sort,
never short of a sorry in the morning
or lacking in an amber prayer:
he thought they helped.
Oh he was a dear heart really,
always spared the time to make promises
of the moon and wrap my hands with
skeins of gold and silver
so I didn't tire in my work,
not with his miner's strength.
It was the drink that parted out our ways
like farmers marking crops up for the market
and I only ask that it be not him
who is condemned in your courts of law,
let it be as if in life that I
may not speak against him so that my body say
no, it were not my husband
but the drink.
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I believe this was a really good peice. I've never thought of it from that point of view. Although my family has an abusive and drunken background, I would not tolerate it from anyone, this in writing gets you to think, "Mabey it is not his faulght." i love your use of colors, and description at the end. It seems as if this MC really loves the guy.
Hi sister
I loved this poem it's one of your best! I really felt drawn into it. I got a really good sense of character as well!
Wow. This is really awesome.
)
I love the whole thing! I loved the way the poem developed, for me, it was really easy to understand (which I like, because most poem I have to read over about five times before I know what they are talking about.
Thanks for posting this! Keep writing!
~Mo.
hi kitty after being back after a year. wow such a beautiful poem. Some of the imagary you used were particular effective and lovely and I liked the way you broke up the lines at the end of the stanzas to create this rythmn.
some particular lines i liked were:
I thought this line was particular strong, and a unique way of protraying the idea that forgetting your troubles through gin is like paving a path.
This line was my favorite as the metaphor of skiens of gold and silver (and connection between silver and moon) promises was very vivid and beautiful.
always a fan of your work
Flora~
Wow. It was sort of an overused idea, but you made it unique with the style, words, and brilliant images. The only advice I have is not to use the word 'and' too much. Overall, it was great.
This poem is absolutely wonderful and needs, in my eyes, no help. I love your use of color to describe things that can't actually be visualized, such as prayers.
Also, I appreciate your use of the word "your" at the end. It really sucked me in and made me feel that I was a part of the poem.
I also liked your emphasis on blaming the drink, rather than the husband. Many people blame things just to get away from facing the bitter truth.
In all, this was an excellent poem, and I'm going right now to look at some more of your work!