Co-written by my sister, Claire, and I.
The Meaning of Life
Life without meaning is like a bird without wings,
That's what they say, but it's wrong.
From a distance I've heard that it still sings,
Flourishing in its' own little song.
The bird, it may flutter and not get very far,
But when the dawn turns to dusk it's still there.
Forever flicker, fade and turn to ash does a star,
But somewhere within the world they still care.
The bird is now old, but a shadow of life,
With no wings, no dreams and no purpose;
Wavering on the edge of the knife
Yet it sings and it sings until it's dead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This was pretty good... but it wasnt flowing....
try to center around that and keeping the point very clear
Wonderful. I love the bird metaphor kept through the whole thing. Check your rhythm and you'll find that it's a little off in a bunch of places. Don't chick this, it is well on its way to being fabulous.
I'm not gonna even address content on this one...
Your syllabic count was all over the place and it murdered the flow. And I don't mean smothered-by-a-pillow murder, I mean all-wheel drive-on-a-friggin'-semi-vehicular-manslaughter murder. So, try to regulate the syllables here. As for your rhyming, what happened in the last stanza? That alone buried what remained of the flow (after the 18 wheeler was done with it, of course).
Poetry is an art to express one's mastery over linguistics. Sadly, with the lack of rhythm and shoddy nature of this piece, you showed that linguistics have a mastery over you.
Do-over?
I'm sorry, but this isn't your best. The second line needs to be longer, maybe "That's what they say, but I know that it's wrong." The second stanza was a bit jerky, and the irregular syntax didn't do anything for me, eg: "Forever flicker and fade, turn to ash does a star." You don't really need the "it" in the first line of verse two.
I like the last stanza in its own right, but I don't think it really fits as a part of the whole, as the rhyme scheme was broken.I think the second line of this verse was a little bland.It is a good idea. Don't give up on it just yet!
The "it" in the third line is vague, and I'm not sure which noun it is referring to, whether it be life or the bird.
Similarly, the "wavering on the edge of a knife" doesn't seem to have much to do with anything, except imply impending demise. Though it doesn't really hold up with the bird reference because irds don't habitually seem to perch ont eh edge of a knife, and I don't know how one could when it has no wings and is about to die.
The second stanza doesn't seem to mean very much, or serve much purpose except to fill the rhyme scheme (though the part about the star was nice/sentimental)
"The bird is now old, but a shadow of life"
This line seems like it is missing something. There is no verb in the following phrase, leaving this line just hanging there, sad
The end was "nice". I put nice in quotation marks because it isn't really pleasent, but I think it was well done.
I'd suggest changing the beginning to "A life" instead of "Life" to make this poem more specific to a specific life lived; otherwise, it could refer to all life in the world...plankton, worms, etc. and I don't know if that's quite what you're going for.
I'm sorry but thats just kind of eeew. It didn't flow too well, it came to a not so good end, and the rhyming and beat wasn't very good. Its a good concept but just one of those try again things. If you do try again i think it will work out just fine, taking these things into view of it.