Proud children tilt their blackened heads,
limbs rustled by the breeze
as sunlight dapples on red hems
of petticoats, to their knees.
Great laughter gurgles in the fields,
erupting from their game
and children all alike recall
the day; when the rains came.
Sweet serum swelled their thirsty mouths
and bathed their flesh with life,
it left their cheeks a rosy red,
enhanced by sacrifice.
If there was any pain to feel,
the children knew it not;
they had no understanding of clash, scrape. Thunk.
With resounding clash, the soldiers met;
feet stumbled on the ground.
An oily grime ran down sleek flesh
as their weapons made that sound.
But with a scrape, the balance changed,
that staggered edge of reason against his throat,
as white and stark as the - other man
whose heart he re-arranged.
Thunk brought the rains.
Spawned from such an aftermath,
the tainted beauty grows:
young children living, unaware
to whom their lives are owed.
Innocence and beauty here
was nourished by man's wars
where soldiers lost their everything
to serve their country's cause.
May their sacrifice one day
bring peace to Poppy Fields.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
This was a beautiful poem. It sort of reminded me of the song, "In Flander's Fields."
As has been said, your imagry was excellent and I loved the subtle metaphors and symbolism.
The word "gurgles" sort of bothers me here. I don't think of laughter as a gurgling sound. I understand that you don't want to use a word that is overused when describing laughter, but something more like "chiming" or something.
"Thunk" just sort of sticks out here. Maybe it's because it doesn't rhyme with "not." I'm not quite sure.
I realize what your trying to say here, and I must disagree with Jas on it being forced. I think that by mentioning the ground, it makes the reader just picture their feet as they run, kicking up dirt, etc. I like it, personally.
I lilke the vaqueness. I think it adds to the whole idea that the children don't really understand.
This line is rather awkward, but I don't know how you could change it.
Very strong poem. I loved it! Hope this helped.
-Sea-
I love the rythm of this.
"Proud children tilt their blackened heads,
limbs rustled by the breeze
as sunlight dapples on red hems
of petticoats, to their knees.
Great laughter gurgles in the fields,
erupting from their game
and children all alike recall
the day; when the rains came. (I'd omit the semicolon here)
Sweet serum swelled their thirsty mouths (I love the alliteration)
and bathed their flesh with life,
it left their cheeks a rosy red,
enhanced by sacrifice. (These three lines are great and the rhyme works very well.)
If there was any pain to feel,
the children knew it not;
they had no understanding of clash, scrape. Thunk. (I'd bring the rhyme back here.)
With resounding clash, the soldiers met;
feet stumbled on the ground. (This is a little forced. Stumbled on the ground as opposed to stumbling in the sky?)
An oily grime ran down sleek flesh (Good imagery)
as their weapons made that sound. (This is a bit vague and forced)
But with a scrape, the balance changed,
that staggered edge of reason against his throat, (This line is too long.)
as white and stark as the - other man
whose heart he re-arranged.
Thunk brought the rains. (The rythm is off in these lines, and you could make your point more effectively. I'd also get rid of the dash.)
Spawned from such an aftermath,
the tainted beauty grows:
young children living, unaware
to whom their lives are owed. (These four lines are great and flow very well.)
Innocence and beauty here
was nourished by man's wars
where soldiers lost their everything
to serve their country's cause. (Not sure about rhyming "wars" with "cause".)
May their sacrifice one day
bring peace to Poppy Fields." (Nice ending.)
A lovely piece overall.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Overall, I loved it, but "the staggered edge of reason against his throat" kind of bugged me. The rest of the poem had a nice rhythm, then suddenly, there's a super-long line that doesn't fit. It's a cool line, but it could fit into the poem better.
Aside from that, awesome imagery, good flow, wonderful poem!
That was an amazing and poignant poem. It captures the likeness of the sacrifice these soldiers made perfectly. I loved it.
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! I've edited it a little more now, hope that's better...
Well that was pretty much awesome. You're very talented. (:
I really liked the strong imagery that remained consistent throughout the entire poem. My favorite line is "the jagged edge of reason against his throat" because of the symbolism. It flows very well and I love the contrast between an innocent, naive child and a soldier fighting for his life. Adds a lot of strength to it.