In my garden, flowers were like friends;
with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads
simmering in the bitter acrid air.
But then; the plague came.
Billy said we'd die.
'Good,' I thought.
My flowers and I were tired of the children's laughter -
down the lane.
Billy said that everyone would die.
Except me. 'Cause Billy would protect me.
I didn't think much to that.
Then the flowers got sick:
peachy petals fell and their leaves went dry,
all dried up like brittle sticks.
They never bloomed again.
I wanted to tell Billy. I couldn't find him.
Down the lane with its absence of laughter
my feet went thud thud thud.
At Billy's door slick with its thick red paint
my fist went thud thud thud.
No laughter. No answer.
Billy and the flowers were - gone.
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I love it, but then, what else is new? The narrative voice is great, and has a sort of childishness about it which works effectively with the theme, the whole thing is a bit creepy, and the ending is effective. It flows well throughout.
"In my garden, flowers were like friends; (A lovely simple line, good start)
with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads (nice description in lines two and three)
simmering in the bitter acrid air.
But then; the plague came. (This is a good direct line, but I'd cut the semi colon. Maybe a comma, but I'm not sure it's even neccessary)
Billy said we'd die.
'Good,' I thought. (These two lines are very good)
My flowers and I were tired of the children's laughter -
down the lane. (I'd cut the dash but I love the simplicity of these two lines. The narrative persona is coming out really well here.)
Billy said that everyone would die.
Except me. 'Cause Billy would protect me. (Good two lines here)
I didn't think much to that. (Maybe "of" instead of "to".)
Then the flowers got sick: (Nice straight-forward line)
[s]peachy [/s]petals fell, [s]and their[/s] leaves went dry, (I think this line is a bit long, and "peachy" undermines the child-like simplicity)
all dried up like brittle sticks. (This is a good similie)
They never bloomed again. (Very powerful and final)
I wanted to tell Billy. I couldn't find him.
Down the lane with its absence of laughter
my feet went thud thud thud.
At Billy's door slick with its thick red paint
my fist went thud thud thud. (This whole stanza is great)
No laughter. No answer. (I love the rythm of this line)
Billy and the flowers were - gone." (This ending is great but I'd get rid of the dash. I'd eithr do nothing, put "gone" on its own line, or add an elipses.)
A great piece overall. I enjoyed it very much, as usual.
Jas
when i read flowers were like friends i was thinking that flowers were my friends would should better, but then after thinking about it like friends seem to sugguest the substitution of friends, as in she was lonely, or they were her friends in the garden?.Maybe for the description in the beginning you could elaborate on that idea and make them more alive,
She seems so indifferent to the world and distanced which suits the overall reading of the poem and works with the simple style.
I like this stanza as it reads like a thriller, as you knew he'd be gone, and connotation of red was good.
Overall I liked the poem, It seemed simple and an distant point of view, maybe you can elaborate and develop the images further through.
~Flora
Hey! This poem has a lot going for it, but I think some areas could use some editing.
With semicolons, I normally want to see two separate sentences on either side that have a connection requiring a punctuation mark weaker than a full stop. I don't know if that is actually necessary, but the fragment 'with their sultry bodies, up-turned heads/simmering in the bitter acrid air' halted the flow when I read it. I don't know if it would work to change the semicolon to a comma, or if there is a way it could be reworded, but that was my initial reaction.
I think the last line would read better as 'Then the plague came.' I didn't like the semicolon that was there either!
You could put 'were sick of the children's laughter'. It could be either interesting word choice or... can't think of the word, but it's like while the plague made others ill, she was 'sick of' their laughter. That kind of idea might not be what you were trying to convey though, so that word choice might be questionable.
You could try to find another way to phrase the third line there - the dry/dried up was too close and the repetition didn't really have an effect. I would also restructure the stanza like this:
Then the flowers got sick:
peachy petals fell,
their leaves went dry,
[...]
They never bloomed again.
To me, it almost shows the flowers dying (if the third line was fairly short), but that could just be me!
I couldn't decide if I liked the 'thud, thud, thud's but decided I did - they seem to echo.
Putting 'gone' on its own line would probably have the same effect as the dash.
I felt like something was missing from this, and it might be remedied by what Anaïs said - a little more description of the flowers at the beginning. Maybe even mentioning Billy along with them. At the moment, it is sad when she goes looking for him and you sense that he's not going to be there, but I think it could be more emotive.
I like the concept behind this; it might function better as an abstract, maybe even stream-of-consciousness short story or piece of flash fiction.
My only real criticism is of the initial characterization of the flowers as her friends: I think if you expand on the imagery of the "sultry bodies, up-turned heads" (fantastic image, by the way), it will be clear enough that the speaker sees her flowers as friends. Then you could cut the somewhat unwieldy "were like friends."