Scroll down to read the latest version.
Untitled
Who wants to save a life?
I do.
Amongst dirty roads and dusty atmosphere,
a woman exhales, inhales, deeper, slower,
her blood trails across her legs, the river
runs dry. And as one life
Begins, another Ends.
Who could have saved her life?
You could.
Beyond green forest and azure ocean,
a man cries out. With every cry, his chest
spills crimson tears across the pristine bed.
Those tears must be replaced
before his time runs out.
Who has the right fluids?
You might.
Just down the road, the local hospital,
is refuge to many vampire patients.
There, a child is diagnosed with cancer.
Several transfusions
each day, just to survive.
This child will die without
Your help.
Who wants to give blood?
I do.
__________________
Basically, the idea formed in my head yesterday when I gave blood for the first time but it didn't work with my usual format so I decided to venture upon the grounds of free verse. If I'm wasting my time, please tell me because this one's important. Also, any suggestions for a title are welcome and for the Americans out there, I think 'azure' is written as 'azul' instead in your dictionary.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
I'm going to say this first. Yay! I love people who care about people! I'm going to say this second. In the first crit, claudette crossed out all the two-line sections. I think you can definitely eliminate some of them, but keep one at the end. Maybe not the giving blood one, because it's very realistic and the rest of your poem is not in that style. I would recommend using the very first one. "Who wants to save a life? I do.", to the end and X-ing out all the other ones. Keep working on it. This is really great with a great message.
[slapintheface] Preaching = bad.
You want the reader to feel what you feel, and unless you feel guilty and resentful, preaching is NOT the way to go about it.
The three stories.... could've been done better. I think you're better off just going with one, and writing it in a way that the reader could connect in a deeply personal way, humanize it, make the nameless victim relatable.
I like the original version better. I like the questions, I like the stories, and I think that if you a) cut out the questions-answers lines, and b) cut out two of the stories and only focused/elaborated on one, you would have a very different poem: one that was not as good.
I really liked this. I wasn't entirely sure where the poem is going (which is a good thing, because I hate those ones where you know exactly where it's going to go practically the second you start reading them), and the last two lines really tied up the whole poem for me.
So, great work on this. You're a really good poet. Keep it up!
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
Is this better?
Who wants to save a life?
Amongst dirty roads and dusty atmosphere,
a woman exhales, inhales, deeper, slower,
her blood trails across her legs, the river
runs dry. And as one life
Begins, another Ends.
Beyond green forest and azure ocean,
a man cries out. With every cry, his chest
spills crimson tears across the pristine bed.
Those tears must be replaced
before his time runs out.
Just down the road, the local hospital,
is refuge to many vampire patients.
I am a willing victim, entranced by
their ivory faces and
lured by their silent song.
To them I extend my wrist; the sharp tooth
Pierces, penetrates my skin, drains my blood
and I watch it surge through their veins, granting
eternal life. I have
joined them, helped them. Will you?
Who wants to give blood?
I do.
In the first stanza, you ask a question, then immediately answer it. Personally, I'd withold the answer until the end; make the reader work for it, and make him/her understand it better before you give it all away. Same goes for "you could" and "you might". Otherwise, you sound like a Red Cross commercial, or so it seems to me. Not that that's a bad thing, blood is in short supply and every little bit coutns, but I'm assuming your reasons for writing this poem are the emotional impact it can have, rather than advertisement/propoganda (even if it's good).
What I think you should do is keep the questions in between stanzas except for the very last one, or maybe take out the answers to the questions, remove the last stanza (since blood donation is implied before it) and move the first stanza to the very end. Or you could eliminate the first stanza all together and title it "Who Wants to Save a Life" or something of the like.
"azure" is the same in American English. "azul" means nothing in English, but does mean "blue" in Spanish.
Good luck; I hope this has been helpful. Feel free to PM me if you have any further questions.
-Amelia
This poem was overwhelmingly preachy. It doesn't make for a good poem, so I cut all the preaching out and you...kind of have a good poem.
You're telling three separate stories, but what you want to achieve is to make us feel for these people. Make us want to cry because they are loosing their lives. You need word choice, we need to relate. Perhaps choose only one story, and expand on it. Talk about their family, how they will miss them, but try to be...good about it, and not cliché.
Hope this helped.