Young Writers Society

So, hai, ma love! I'm mean and harsh because you said it was ok. *nods* No idea what to do with your title, and I think I entirely agree with your tutor on the beginning. So uh, how's this. I'm just going to take out the bits I don't like, ok? Good. Also, anything I just struck through I either wasn't sure what to do with, or didn't like but didn't know how to take it out.


We are a generation of
gyrating on the dance floor,
bodies grinding the world
into dust
where age is just a number and youth
is forever is forever
in our minds.
The world is fashion make-up
video games technology i-phones
wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. << need something more snarky. Pre-made, fabricated, made-to-order, but not "proverbial" and I just don't like "technology ipohones" but you do need something else in there "video games and real reality" only, like, not so sucky. But yeah.

We are a generation at war. << I dunno. If it's your title, I don't like it within the poem. if it's not... I'm still not liking it.

Behind the laptops and ultimate frisbee
artificial hearts beating
in the back of my head
and a war on terror, bombs falling in the abscess
of atkins diets. Financial fraud. << need more snark. "terror" is too overused, find something better. War on ourselves, war on something. But not terror. Same with "financial fraud." Find something better. Tie it in to the above, like... "of atkins diets bought with food stamps," only better.

[s]But I wonder
will Tom, Shelina or Andrew be the next
MasterChef?[/]<< I get it, but I don't like it. I'd say just get rid of it entirely. Be done with it! You don't really need any sort of ironic turn, so yeah. No more.

Ok, this isn't letting me preview, so I'll just hope i typed that all correctly!

<3

Hi!

I'm Esther, nice to meet you.

I liked this a lot. It was almost too short for me. I wanted to read more. Maybe you could expand it to show more of your idea, but then you could also just keep it like this and leave us with the powerful imagery. It's poetry, so you can do what you want with it!

Before I forget, I don't believe there is such thing as MasterChef. There is Master Chief, the titular character of the Halo series. Is that what you mean? Just thought I would point that out in case. I used to call Master Chief MasterChef. I am so not kidding. My brothers made fun of me.

I love the "gyrating dance floor" line. Adored it. I also enjoyed the imagery of the "Peter Pan" complex, but I don't think that "youth is forever and ever". Almost everyone in America is very, very conscious of his or her age, so I don't think that line holds much truth. Perhaps you could refer to the fact that we spend our time acting like children instead. That is certainly the case and would hold more truth that the perpetual youth thing, because everybody is aware they are getting old.

I love how you transitioned to the next stanza. The abruptness really suits the piece. I like the specificness of "laptops and ultimate frisbee" too. You know, I think I do want another stanza after this war. Your second stanza feels like it's building up to something, and the stanza after that could be an emotional climax of sorts. Like I said, it's your poem, but that's just a suggestion.

As for the last line, I like how you are specific with the names. I have never heard of the name Shelina. . . maybe you could change that one for the sake of relevence?

I liked this a lot. I don't usually review poetry, but this one stuck out. I had just read one about ranting about why God is stupid, so this was such a pleasurable contrast.(I don't care if they don't believe, just don't yell about it you know?) Keep up the good work.

Esther
Esther Perisho

Thank you, I'll not say no to a compliment or two I suppose

This poem was really interesting and honestly a little odd, but I really liked it. Not only do I like it I can totally see what you mean.
I feel like someone else could write a better, more critical review, so I'm just saying that I liked it and found it new and interesting.

This poem was really interesting and honestly a little odd, but I really liked it. Not only do I like it I can totally see what you mean.
I feel like someone else could write a better, more critical review, so I'm just saying that I liked it and found it new and interesting.