Okay so the title needs some work but this is a possible entry for Alainna's contest and is therefore exactly 500 words long. The problem is I have two possible endings and I'd love for you to tell me which you like best.
A Moonlit Stroll
The moonlight trickled through the thick, grimy atmosphere and alighted upon the cobblestone road where a young boy sat amidst the fragments of glass and blood. He did not move. He did not speak. He did not think. But a single tear cleansed a portion of his face and soul. In his arms, the bundle seemed to stir and the boy's wooden eyes glowed feverishly for a moment but it was merely the wind. Again, the wind rose and lifted a corner of the ragged cloth to reveal her face.
Placing a tender kiss upon the porcelain cheek, the boy stood and cautiously carried his cargo towards a shadowy doorway. The boy dared not raise an arm to knock for fear of dropping his burden. Instead, he lifted a foot and kicked the door violently.
“Have you come to your senses, young master Samuel?” A cheerful voice preceded a plump, rosy cheeked maid who opened the door a crack and peered out.
“I want her with me,” Samuel spoke fiercely and shook his head so that his chestnut snakes uncoiled and struck the air.
“Now, now master Samuel, you know better than to bring foreign objects into your father's house.” The maid beamed and shook a finger back and forth in exact timing with the movement of her head, almost as if she were a clockwork toy.
“She's my sister,” Samuel objected, attempting to push the door further into the house.
“That may be half true master Samuel,” The maid hissed, “But she's no longer welcome here. Come inside boy before your father loses his patience.”
“He killed her,” Samuel stated, clutching to a familiar piece of information as he tried to understand the maid's peculiar reaction.
“Your mother's dreadfully worried.” The maid declared, wringing her hands. “It was very naughty of you to run after your father like that and when you didn't return home with him, your mother started crying and...”
“My father is inside then?”
“In the library, master Samuel and he desires your presence there. I am to take you there.”
“Thank you, Martha, that will be all.”
“But master Samuel...”
“I said that will be all,” Samuel insisted and with one final push, he entered the house and thrust the body into the maid's arms.
Samuel climbed the stairs in five great bounds and entered the library, slamming the door behind him. A dark haired man was sat in a padded armchair before a roaring fire. He closed his book and placed it on the floor before standing and approaching his son. The candles in the room caused the silver blade to flash a warning and then two bodies fell to the floor, wrestling for a hold on the weapon. The rolling bodies crashed into bookshelves, causing them to cast their contents to the ground.
The survivor looked upon the slashed books, with their crimson stains, that were scattered around the corpse and smiled a crooked grimace of triumph.
“I suppose we'll have to throw those away too, father.”
__________________________________
And the alternative ending -
Samuel climbed the stairs in five great bounds and entered the library, slamming the door behind him. A dark haired man was sat in a padded armchair before a roaring fire. He closed his book and placed it on the floor before standing and approaching his son. The candles in the room caused the silver blade to flash a warning as Samuel threw it to the ground.
“You cleaned up the glass?” The man queried.
“She's dead,” Samuel stated.
“I suppose I shall have to deal with it then.”
“Did you not hear me? She's dead! Do you not care?”
“I cared too long for another man's child. Stop your crying, boy.”
“You killed her. How could you?”
“No, my son. We killed her.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Husky - Thank you, my dear. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it =)
Sadie - There isn't a baby? The body at the beginning is that of his half sister and she's most definitely dead. Sorry if that wasn't clear... but thanks for the comment.
Okay, this story didn't make much sense to me. So the baby was dead in his arms, alive? Was it even a real baby?
Who's the 'she' that the father and son are talking about? How is it the boy's sister.
You need to clarify.
Good idea though, just explain things better.
-Sadie
This story just pulled me right in! The beginning was similar to a maze in terms of vocabularly. You mentioned a cobblestone road, an erie setting with a young boy and "fragments of glass and blood", while encircling the story under the moonlight! It really drew my attention and hopefully your hard work will/has payed off.
Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky
Thanks so much for the feedback everyone!
Kyte - Dark fiction is probably right and the doll is actually Samuel's sister. It was just my way of describing her.
Gadi - Yeah, I shall probably try to tone down the cliches when I take another look at this. I think my main problem is that I have this huge, complicated plot in my head. I've developed fantastic back stories for all the characters but I just don't have the space to integrate them into the story which is annoying.
Writingluver5 - Thank you and you'd be even more satisfied if you knew the father better. I think I'll write a longer version so that I don't have to rush so much.
Misty - Did I ever tell you how great you are? Thank you so much! My name's Heather. I'll send you a pm in fact =)
Jasmine - You're always helpful, hun. Thanks for commenting on so much of my work and I'll try to edit it all to fulfill your expectations of my creativity. Lol. In fact, I can understand your desire for a third ending and perhaps I'll write one just for you. Let me see. So far we have...
First ending - writingluver5
Second ending - Gadi, Misty, Claire (The reason I wrote an alternative ending)
Third ending - Jasmine
Anyway, thanks again and I'll certainly do at least one re-write.
I really enjoyed this piece, the atmosphere was great and your language (unsurprisingly) is beautiful, especially in the first paragraph. The first two paragraphs in particular were brilliant.
Now...about the ending. I preferred the second one, for its subtelty, but, to be honest, I'm not too sure about either of the endings. Would you kill me if I said that I'd like to see a third? I'm not sure what it is, and I knwo you only have so many words to work with...I think in the first, too much happend too quickly. And, ok, there's nothing really wrong with the second version. I think I just didn't like the last line as there didn't seem to be anything in the piece to explain it, and this left me dissatisfied.
I'm sorry that's not very helpful, I'm not great at fiction critiques.
Hey Kitty! (I should really know your name by now...PM me or something to chat it up). You, as I have noticed, are a mad critiquer on the boards (45 last week, if I'm correct). Therefore anything and everything you post should be flocked to by grateful members.
Well, here I am. So onto the grand (and as thorough as I can be [it's only 500 words, after all]) critique!
GENERAL NOTES
This story is unusual. It's quite short, and I wonder if you're working too hard to achieve a 500 word goal at the expense of the story. The beginning scene, with blood and glass, was, I will admit, a tiny bit tacky. There were some kind of over-used metaphors and presumptions (which I tried to point out in the line edits).
I do think that the idea is good--and original. If it weren't a contest, I'd suggest you try to take some of the (potentially cheesy?) bits out and expand on the characters. A better understanding of Samuel is necessary for actual reader connection. Why is his dead sister a porcelain doll?
One line that was especially good was, "That may be half-true." It gives your reader a bit of a hint as to the father's intention. But! There are inconsistences! Why is this little boy sitting in glass? Why is he holding his sister? Why am I watching High School Musical right now?
Okay, the last one was totally unconnected, but there are somethings that don't make sense. I'm gonna do some line edits, and then a few of the complementary whatsits (I feel I covered the "Things that could use a second look" here.
LINE EDITS
It did not. Tears don't cleanse your soul. I've bawled my eyes out at one point this summer. It didn't cleanse me or make me brighter or cleaner. It only got the tears out that were in me, and on top of that, it hurt. I don't think I believe this.
Ehh. Cut it. Of course he is thinking.
I would make it, "THE cheerful voice..."
I have a compliment and a critique. Critique first! The maid "beaming" sounds awkward. The clockwork toy thing, though, is genius.
Well that was a bit sudden.
I may be slow, but I really did not get what happened here. Dark haired man, fire, book, candles, two bodies procured out of nowhere...ehhhhhhh....
Cut these lines and keep the second ending.
THINGS YOU DID WELL
1. Characters. There were some exceptional characters. A dark haired father. A maid who speaks like a jack-in-the-box painted toy. A worried mother with a dead daughter. Said daughter, in porcelain doll form. it's all very unique. I love seeing new things like this.
2. Grammar, etc.[/b]. I really can't fault you on your writing. There wasn't a cringe-worthy scene here.
3. [i]Believable time-frame (complete with good settings) You never mentioned the time period, but I still got a very Oliver-Twisty, London, 1890s sort of theme. I got the feeling that they were very wealthy and lived in a large house and the cobble stones were clean.
4. The scene with the dead sister "not being welcome here anymore" was very intense and creepy. I enjoyed it.
5. Martha, the maid, was an excellent mannequin character. Very creepy. Good work.
okay, and a:
THINGS THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK
1. I want to know more about this mother who allows her daughter to be killed. She's just worried about Samuel running off? This doesn't make sense. I myself am writing for a mother who sadly neglects her children at the life-threatening demand of her husband. It confuses me that your mother is similar, but we're never really given a reason.
2. Your first ending was really quite bad. At least with the second we got a good idea for why, where, who, how, and so on. A "because," if you will.
3. I find it unlikely that anybody would leave their child with his dead sister in the streets...
CONCLUSION
Not my favorite. As you can see from my notes, major revisions are in order. But this is just a short piece you threw together and I'm assured of your ability to write in a manner that makes more sense to the readers.
I also think that you had some incredibly unique characters, which I enjoyed, particularly the maid. And overall, (despite what my above notes [they are slightly harsh] would suggest) I liked this.
Just revise it a bit so I can love it.
Ooo, good story!
I'll come back to give it a proper crit later, but as for the endings, I like the first one better. Made me satisfied. *isn't blood hungry at all* 
This story was kind of cliche. And how did the father killed his daughter? Or am I getting it all wrong?
Even though the first ending is very...climatic, they are both cliches, but the second one seems more intriguing. So the second one is the best, in my opinion.
And you had lots of mistakes.
I think this should go under "dark fiction." The story is bizarre, and what's with the doll?