Young Writers Society

Thanks for the critique Reyu!

First, peace is but a break within the war,
A single jewel washed up on the beach;
It is seen burning bright in every star

Flip it around methinks. And change 'beach' to 'shore'.

Finally, you reach the terminal point,
Your other senses it will overthrow
And at the heart of things you'll be disjoint.

I don't like the last line.

Peace and hope cause nothing more than woe,
They are false and through them tempting lies do flow

^^^^ My favorite part

Thanks Gadi, those are some really helpful comments! In fact, I believe I shall write a second draft and see if I can make some improvements.

I liked this poem--most of the major mistakes in this poem are so easy to overlook, and that is why it looks like a first draft of something.

"What are pure peace and everlasting hope?
But a short, sweet moment of reflection,
Or something without which we cannot cope.

I will point you in the right direction;
Perhaps then you will realise what they are.
If I can please have your attention... "

Is this truly needed? It's not even an introduction. It's mosty superfluous, and does not add to your argument.

"So beautiful yet also out of reach.
Next, hope is something craved and yet not won,
It drains your life force like a loving leech, "

I suggest that you make the "so beautiful" line its own stanza or maybe even add another two lines to it, or else peace and hope are interwined (and that makes it very confusing/unorganized.) [Your subtle rhymes are excellent by this point.]


"Peace and hope cause nothing more than woe,
They are false and through them tempting lies do flow."
You've only made an argument against hope, not peace! But anyways, the ending was interesting, in the idea that it strips the good coonatation from those two words and dresses them in immorality. But that was too much of a shock, too much of a surprise. Maybe you can say something before hand that foreshadows your belief? I literally flinched when I read that, and it wasn't a good thing.

EDIT: Plus, you made a nice play with oxymorons (I just realized.)

Overall, the poem was good, if only a tad unorganized and superfluous.
pm me if you got any questions!

Thanks and yes, you can't have war without peace or peace without war but peace is never really achieved so it's more that the concept of peace is false than peace itself.

I thought this was good. I thought the ending was strong. The only problem I had with it was that you say "First, peace is but a break within the war,..." Then you end your poem saying peace is false. Without war there is no peace without peace there is no war.

A reflective poem which probes deep. I liked thinking about the words...Peace and Hope, so simple yet so unknown to us.

I think you could make the rhythm of a poem a little better. Not all lines are of similar syllable-length.

Also, shouldn't the last stanza have three lines as well? you could break those two lines into three.

Hello Heather!

First off I did really like this poem. The first four stanzas in particular I felt were very good.

I think stanza six is your weakest, whilst stanza three is your strongest.

To start, so many dreams and then just one

This poem is interesting and seems so true.

Personally, I don't feel that somebody can critique poems, so I'm not going to.

I am just going to say that I liked it.