Lather II (Edited): Sink and Drain

Hey! Oh, Excuse me, your Royal Highness, My name is Rainbow Power Ponies and I'm here to review your work, Lathered II (Edited): Sink and Drain or as I call it, Watch Us Drain.

I want to start by saying this is a really good poem and I enjoyed reading it.
I do want to point out that I couldn't get the rhythm to this poem, you see the thing about this is that it has great wording and expressive content but it might just be me but I can't get over the fact that I can't find the beat. Also, the work transitions to an unspoken 'us' that isn't mentioned but there is a very apparent 'I' and 'me' in this poem. I find this awkward, there is not a 'you' mentioned like the 'me' is. This may, as I said, just be me because I'm just weird like that. Now, because I'm weird I'm also a huge advocate for the sandwich style so I shall end you on a positive note, Highness.
This is great! Please write more! I see that you have a third one which I want to read as soon as possible. You have a gift and I hope you use it. Keep writing, I'll be reading!
Thank You, Your Royal Highness, For Reading My Review,
Rainbow Power Ponies

Hello my Royal Highness!

I thought you had a good tactic to go about the poem. Using repetition in poetry as a beginning refrain for every line is popular. They don't quite do it as much as this, just repeating the sounds usually, but it follows some of the trends that I have seen which is a great start. I really think you're working with an interesting concept too. Talking about our daily chore of washing might seem mundane or unimportant but this is something that makes up a considerable chunk of our lives if you look at how much time we spend in front of a sink on a day to day basis and what sorts of things different sorts of people end up washing away.

That being said I do see room for improvement. First off, I don't think the speaker is that important in this poem. You say "I watch us drain' like the "I" has a lot to do with it, but in reality there is not much to do with the speaker in this poem. S/he's not making any grand reveals or segregating themselves from the "Us" collective at any other point in the poem, so I feel like having I in there ends up being rather worthless. I'd also suggest that because you're using I to start things, it can come off a tad presumptuous and crass, when the poem is anything but. In order to avoid this, you might want to consider removing the "I" from the poem all together. After all, why must it be watched? Why can't it just drain? I would suggest that you attempt to remove people and focus more on what is draining. I don't mean to take away the human-ness of the poem, but take away the pronouns and deal with the exact. Instead of saying "I saw the frog jump" just say "the frog jumped." You're going to have to discover what way works best for this poem to remove the watching, but I know it's out there and I have faith you will decide if you like it better or not on your own.

Aley

This is much, much better.

I am a huge fan of repetition especially when used effectively. It makes you consider the words more than you would in passing, which is why it's so important to make sure those words are the most pivotal part of the poem as a whole.

In my personal opinion, I believe you did this, and quite well.

A few notes I do have though regard structure and rhythm. I'm not too sure if it's a formatting issue or just a stylistic choice but the line that always follows after 'I watch us drain' has no double space or indent. This makes those two lines very clunky and takes away from the overall effect of keeping that repetition poignant.

Another suggestion I have comes with the territory of always having two lines of content before you hit us with the repetition again. This, I feel, would be more impactful if the lines varied. Consider it as a long sentence followed behind almost immediately by a short one. The long sentence gets information across while still adding a flow that keeps the poignance alive and the poem fluid. The short sentence adds the impact.

Consider adding a bit more flesh to the constellation imagery. I'm fascinated by how that relates and I think it would benefit the poem exceedingly.

Much better work. I'm most definitely impressed.
~ Walker