My father set up the logs and kindling in the night.
He left us in the day and told me I would be in charge.
I went outside to birth the flame and shadow with my light,
And in that flame, I saw my soul, alive though on the marge.
In the shadow I could see a deep darkness that I knew:
Quiet, lovely and dangerous, I looked on myself in ash.
Sparks skipped and hid within my skin as on the flames I blew,
And as the breath left, I wondered when would be my last.
I tended the fire as though it were a small, still-tripping child.
In the bright of flame and heat of fire, I could see my starving face
Reflecting my own light as the flaming dance ran wild,
And flame, with gloom, searched my soul like spotlights in a darkened place.
I feel ash sweeten my smoking eyes and at last, I know
I am more than flame and darkness; I'm an awakening glow.
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139,815 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Can I scream? Would that be totally inappropriate? PLEASE say I can, because otherwise I have to do my happy dance and I don't dance very well! Just kidding, although if I could scream without actually, well, screaming, I would do it. This was so well written I don't know what to do but review it's awesomeness.
1) The first phrase is a bit weird because it was just one line and then into three, while as all but the ending was four. I don't know if this was how it sounded in your head or what, but while it didn't really affect the poem overall, it was still a little confusing.
2) "Sparks skipped and hid within my skin as on the flames I blew,/And as the breath left, I wondered when would be my last." This was one of my very favorite lines. I don't really know why, but it just struck me as some people worry while others don't, and sometimes we're caught in the middle not really worrying, but just, well, wondering. I don't know if that's what you meant to portray or not, but that's what I got from it.
3) "And flame, with gloom, searched my soul like spotlights in a darkened place." This also struck a chord with me and I can't believe how much depth you worked into this fourteen line poem.
This was absolutely great and if all of your stuff is this great I think I'll check out more of your work in the future!
~RagingLive
The spacing of the first stanza was actually just a glitch I can't figure out how to fix, but wow, thank you so so much! This is easily the kindest review I have ever read! Thank you and see you soon!
Have you tried editing the work?
~RagingLive
You know I just realized how dumb that sounds. Sorry!
Hey there! GreenLight24 here with a review for you today!
Really cool poem here. I liked the overall idea of the bonfire as a metaphor for the narrator's coming of age. I thought it was a really good one. On one hand, the fire is alive and is a free powerful force. However, it can also be destructive, and so it must be controlled just the right amount. The question really becomes, "Will the narrator be able to harness their inner flame?" I think that establishing this question within the reader's mind through carefully chosen metaphor is extremely effective and gives the poem a level of potency that helps make it more interesting to read.
None of your grammar seems like its incorrect and punctuation isn't always a big deal with poetry anyways...at one point u said "on the marge". I assume that means on the margin, but eh, it just came across a little bit awkward. Gold star for holding the rhyme in place though
Overall, this was a nice one to read. Way to go! If you wanted to expand on this I would suggest tying the theme of the narrator's father's absence into it more throughly. Hope that helps!