Hey, RoyalsHighness! Ink here for a review, so let's jump right in.
Overall, I liked your poem. I think you did well within the rhyme scheme, and to me, at least, very few of those rhymes felt forced. However, I wasn't a fan of the way you used some of the words. Some of them felt strange and stilted. I'll point out the times it felt that way below.
Or would she take the chance that dared her,
I don't think dared works well here. I understand what you mean, but it reads awkwardly in my opinion. I don't know of a word that would replace it well, so I'd reword the entire line.
and rise to greet my eyes’ proud swell?
I can't tell is this is a forced rhyme or just a really weird usage of the word 'swell.' I don't think it works. It sounds wrong and like a forced rhyme.
but found the daylight dark and lupine,
Lupine means wolflike, but I wouldn't use that to describe any light other than moonlight because of the association with werewolves. I just don't think that the use of 'lupine' here works well.
and leapt to peek the coming dawn,
I'd replace 'peek' with 'glimpse.'
In the last stanza, you break the rhyme scheme. You don't have to follow the rules if you don't want to, but if you've already set up a rhyme scheme, it's usually a good rule of thumb not to break it.
My overall impression of this poem is that it's a dramatization of a rather simple event. I like it. It's a poem about a flower that bloomed never knowing the sunlight, and if I interpreted it correctly, the flower continues to never know the difference between the artificial light and actual daylight.
Edit: Upon the second read, I realized it was more likely that the flower bloomed in the night, lured by the light of the lamp. When morning comes, she finally is able to see the sun. I figured you'd want to see both of my interpretations.
I enjoyed this, though it wasn't without its problems. Good job!
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask in a reply to this review or a pm.
~Ink
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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