Your hyacinth bloomed late last night
I wondered: had I woken up,
and caught her first without a light,
would her pink lips have spoken up?
Would my gaze expecting scare her,
And keep her hid inside her shell?
Or would she take the chance that dared her,
and rise to greet my eyes’ proud swell?
She mistook the lamp for sunshine
and leapt to peek the coming dawn,
but found the daylight dark and lupine,
the lovely glow of morning gone.
What did she think in that cold dark—
that all her work had led to naught?
That light would never call the lark,
and that the fight could not be fought?
But no, we see a heart held high,
as she sat waiting for the morn.
And when dawn brushed that early sky,
she rose to look it in the eye.
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Canary word: Present
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125,003 Literary Works • 672,791 Reviews
Hey, RoyalsHighness! Ink here for a review, so let's jump right in.
Overall, I liked your poem. I think you did well within the rhyme scheme, and to me, at least, very few of those rhymes felt forced. However, I wasn't a fan of the way you used some of the words. Some of them felt strange and stilted. I'll point out the times it felt that way below.
I don't think dared works well here. I understand what you mean, but it reads awkwardly in my opinion. I don't know of a word that would replace it well, so I'd reword the entire line.
I can't tell is this is a forced rhyme or just a really weird usage of the word 'swell.' I don't think it works. It sounds wrong and like a forced rhyme.
Lupine means wolflike, but I wouldn't use that to describe any light other than moonlight because of the association with werewolves. I just don't think that the use of 'lupine' here works well.
I'd replace 'peek' with 'glimpse.'
In the last stanza, you break the rhyme scheme. You don't have to follow the rules if you don't want to, but if you've already set up a rhyme scheme, it's usually a good rule of thumb not to break it.
My overall impression of this poem is that it's a dramatization of a rather simple event. I like it. It's a poem about a flower that bloomed never knowing the sunlight, and if I interpreted it correctly, the flower continues to never know the difference between the artificial light and actual daylight.
Edit: Upon the second read, I realized it was more likely that the flower bloomed in the night, lured by the light of the lamp. When morning comes, she finally is able to see the sun. I figured you'd want to see both of my interpretations.
I enjoyed this, though it wasn't without its problems. Good job!
If you have any more questions, feel free to ask in a reply to this review or a pm.
~Ink
Your second interpretation was correct! I hadn't realized my rhymes were stilted, but you know, I think you're absolutely right. I'll have to come back to this one when I get a chance. Thanks for the review, you put a lot of time into this, and I appreciate it!
No problem! I'm happy I helped.
Hey there RoyalHighness,
This was lovely to read; I really enjoyed your vocabulary, and your rhythm felt fluid. Just had a few gentle thoughts for you to consider.
"Your hyacinth bloomed late last night
I wondered: had I woken up,
and caught her first without a light,
would her pink lips have spoken up?"
I detected vague sexual undertones in this from first read. If this was not your intention, I might be crazy. Always a possibility.
"Would my gaze expecting scare her,
I might change this to 'expecting gaze'; this phrasing read a bit awkwardly.
"And keep her hid inside her shell?
Or would she take the chance that dared her,
and rise to greet my eyes’ proud swell?"
Love these last two lines here.
"She mistook the lamp for sunshine
and leapt to peek the coming dawn,
but found the daylight dark and lupine,
the lovely glow of morning gone."
Perfect stanza here, wouldn't change a thing.
"What did she think in that cold dark—
that all her work had led to naught?
That light would never call the lark,
and that the fight could not be fought?
But no, we see a heart held high,
as she sat waiting for the morn.
And when dawn brushed that early sky,
she rose to look it in the eye."
All in all, I thought this was great work! There isn't a lot of context to what actually transpired plot wise in this poem, but perhaps that was your intention.
Write On,
mav