When the sun in a homely sky is low,
The stars of our wild hearts stop their play.
Oh tell me, where did all the time go?
~
We began as starlings in a vast human glow.
We loved the clear-cut seconds out of day—
Until the sun of our small sky sank low.
~
Across our soul-lit sky, we once danced slow.
We cried and laughed and gave life to clay.
But oh, where did all the time go?
~
Love led our stars through the gentle gloam.
We fell into each other, ignorant of the gray.
But now the old sun we loved is low.
~
This kaleidoscope sky has helped us grow.
Life has lighted our hearts and, come what may,
Know that our sun was beautiful when it was low.
And oh, how I've loved the way these days have flown.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
The poem is so calm and so smooth. I really like it!
I like the last stanza:
[quote*]The sky of these years has helped us to grow.
Life has lighted our hearts and, come what may,
Know that our sun was beautiful when it was low.
I know now that love is where the time did go.[/quote*]
It has a sweet end to it. And its very pure, I would say. But there would be some changes I would like to suggest
Since the last part is the end of the poem, so you give something that made it look the ending
Wow, this is really quite touching.
I loved how lyrical it was. You did a good job with rhythm and rhyming.
I'm going to mention a couple small things and then talk about the poem overall
I think you meant "glow" there, because I'm pretty sure gloam isn't a word, plus it rhymes with "low."
Because of the "come what may" in the previous line, this sounds a little like the narrator is speaking to someone, which I'm not sure is what you intended. Did you really want to tell the reader to "know" or did you mean "I know"? It just feels a little jarring.
Overall:
Like I said above, the rhyme and flow of this is really good.
However, the whole poem is a bit vague. I get that it's supposed to be metaphorical, but it could use a couple more details. The main spot I think you could elaborate on is "The sky of these years has helped us to grow."
That line basically needs to be explained more. Why would a sky help them to grow? I honestly have no idea. You could probably make another 3-line stanza out of it, and then your last stanza would also be three lines.
Anyway, great poem, looking foward to more of your work!