Like first-flight birds, the days together flow.
Breathing deeply, I know where I have been.
Life dapples the soul with flame and sorrow.
Helios’ disc in my eyes rises slow.
I stop and let (some) soft healing begin.
Like lazy waves, the days together flow.
Wind shakes songs from the trees, songs I used to know.
It takes just moments to remember my sins.
Life dapples the soul with flame and shadow.
The sun warms my back and I overflow
With hope that I’m not quite broken within.
Like prayer and faith, the days together flow.
Shades clutch my heart with frozen grip, and though
Once ignored, I now feel the weight of their din.
Life dapples the soul with flame and woe.
But look, though the Star sits back on His throne,
Hope that one day soon, He will come again.
Life dapples our souls with flame and softer glow,
But, oh, how I’ve loved the way the days have flown!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Wow, this is pretty. I'd love to hear this read out loud.
I love the image of first-flight birds, and your "Life dapples" lines are my favorite in the piece. (I could go on and on about those.)
However, in this stanza, your second line feels off. I think it's because the first line is general and non-specific, conveying time rushing by. However, the second line then thrusts the reader into a specific point in time. You do this throughout the poem, and most of the time it works, but here it doesn't for me. I think it's something to do with "where I have been." It doesn't make very much sense to me. Unfortunately, I don't really know how to fix it. You understand what you were trying to say better than me, so I'll leave that to you.
[quote]Shades clutch my heart with frozen grasp, and though
I once ignored, I now feel the weight of their din.
Life dapples the soul with flame and woe.[quote]
I'd change "grasp" to "grip." Grasp can work as a noun, but here it reads oddly to me.
Again, it's your second line that the flow is off. I think it's just the fact that "them" is missing from "I once ignored." However, I wouldn't put "them" in - that makes the line too wordy. You could take out "I" - that would probably work better, though you could do something completely different too.
I really can't complement you enough on your beautiful language. Your metaphors are delightful. I want to read this again and again to let it sink in.
I hope this helped. Thanks for the read!
Hey!
This is such a beautiful description, I love the deep meaning behind every stanza. You truly have a gift for painting a scene with words, and your imagery is emphatic and powerful. Well done!
I love the repetition of "life dapples the soul..." and the slight changes show the development of the subject well. The first four stanzas are breath-taking. The Helios imagery is fantastic, and the subtle references to a darker side give depth to the poem.
Grammar wise, you nailed it. It's so nice to not have to say anything here, so congratulations on getting it perfect!
I think my only criticism comes with the final two stanzas. They read as brilliant as the rest, but the change in tone comes quite suddenly, from one of happiness to a sort of dread and resignation to death. For me, the poem is about day turning to night and the reminiscing of nature, so the sudden change is a bit jarring. Perhaps a shorter stanza to ease the reader into the night like a steady sunset?
However, this is just my interpretation, and the poem still resonates beautifully. You have a talent with words, and I hope to read more from you soon!
Arathorth
Hey!
This is such a beautiful description, I love the deep meaning behind every stanza. You truly have a gift for painting a scene with words, and your imagery is emphatic and powerful. Well done!
I love the repetition of "life dapples the soul..." and the slight changes show the development of the subject well. The first four stanzas are breath-taking. The Helios imagery is fantastic, and the subtle references to a darker side give depth to the poem.
Grammar wise, you nailed it. It's so nice to not have to say anything here, so congratulations on getting it perfect!
I think my only criticism comes with the final two stanzas. They read as brilliant as the rest, but the change in tone comes quite suddenly, from one of happiness to a sort of dread and resignation to death. For me, the poem is about day turning to night and the reminiscing of nature, so the sudden change is a bit jarring. Perhaps a shorter stanza to ease the reader into the night like a steady sunset?
However, this is just my interpretation, and the poem still resonates beautifully. You have a talent with words, and I hope to read more from you soon!
Arathorth
HEYYYYYYY! So great job! I lovee the word choices and flow of the story. It's really pretty. I am still not sure the message you are trying to get across that could because i am trying not to be caught reading your poem. hehe. So okay my favorite lines!!
Shades clutch my heart with frozen grasp
life dapples our soul with flame and softer glow
So great job!!! keep up the good.