all the world
-
delight of my demise, who could have dreamt of you?
and yet I do.
sunrise knows the breath of your name,
sunset the color of your eyes.
the stars open notes passed between
two different skies--- our cosmic class.
heavens behold
what horizons belie:
that hours and years and miles away,
you'll open your eyes
to mine.
-
(drops dead)
-
it seemed the stars themselves aligned,
a cosmic love, beautiful and blind,
twixt light and shade laid perfect bower.
now to stand outside that paradise
where loved such hopeful eyes
and so much laughing joy was showered--
the heart cannot survive.
no longer will her love arise
to greet the sun or kiss away a glower--
and if she does, she is a lie;
for only those that love can die.
lay her to rest, leave her a flower;
see her to the heavenly guide and hope
that those you love will have more time,
or find you at their final hour.
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139,815 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Hello! Plume here, with a review! It's been a while since I reviewed poetry, so forgive me if none of this is helpful.
I really enjoyed these two poems! You really write them both so well. You've got really interesting language and rhyme schemes that play off each other so well. It's really nice.
One thing I think you did really well was the rhyming of it. It didn't feel too rhythmic, which is usually something that would be necessary, but something about the way you phrased this made it work really well. I especially love the first little bit of the poem. You combine alliteration and slant rhyme so stupendously. I absolutely adore it. Your first line is probably one of my favorites. I love the repetition of the words starting with D, and the contrast between the syllable counts of it with the following line. It's really remarkable how you play with words in this poem. I think it's definitely something to be proud of.
The second part really reminds me of something I'd be forced to analyse in school, to be honest. (That's a compliment. It sounds really professional, and even though I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it, I think it sounds lovely). I think this part really allows your diction and impeccable description to shine. I especially loved the part where you said "and if she does, she is a lie/for only those that love can die/lay her to rest, leave her a flower/see her to the heavenly guide and hope." It's truly beautiful. The flow was great.
I don't really see any issues, but like the other review pointed out, there's not really a clear narrative. I'm pretty sure that's intentional, and it definitely didn't impede my enjoyment of the poem, but it might for other people. It's just something to think about!
Overall: really nice job! I enjoyed reading this tremendously, and I hope to read more from you in the future!!
Hiya,
I absolutely adore the contrast between the destructive and heavenly imagery in these poems. I think that your language is beautifully descriptive and the way that this is written, even though there isn't a clear narrative, the message still rings clear. I think that you could work to improve the distinction between the sections, I love the structure and the break that you have, but I think that could be greatly enhanced by a shift in the imagery or the narrative. Additionally, as I said before, your message is clear despite the lack of strong narrative themes, but I think that if you are looking to improve on this a good starting point would be to look at the story you are trying to tell and figure out how to maybe rearrange or rewrite some of the lines to make that more clear. Again though I love the imagery you bring forward and I think that this is a beautifully written poem with great use of language.
Best- Gravity
These two poems have such nice vocabulary in the lines and it sounds so nice to speak. The message of love accompanied by the heavens, space, time it really brings that romance in nature.
I can't think of much to say, other than that I think it is beautiful. Well done!