one life's careless artist
brushing
the final,
irrevocable
stroke
of a beloved
journey,
and I,
ceaseless wonderer,
standing
on the other side
of the canvas,
waiting.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,145 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Royalhighness!
Good luck with uni! <3
So, immediately here, what I liked was the lapping of the lines leading up to the final note of 'waiting' - the effect was nice and reflective, which I think is the theme of the poem. What ruins it for me is the first line - the "one life's careless artist". I feel almost dyslexic with this line. I want to read "life's" as the possessive case, but that wouldn't make sense. It's only after reading it a couple of times that I realized life is not possessive but a contraction: life is. I highly recommend just writing out the "is" to avoid the confusion xD
I also second Cailey's suggestion of added details. I know that this poem is meant more of a minimized, clean style. I think that you can still achieve the brevity of this and have room for the details. For example, "beloved journey" here is vague. I mean, what is the beloved journey exactly? A trip to grandmother's house? Journey to the moon? Suppose you write:
"the artist brushing the last cancerous splotch of a wrinkled hand" The detail there is still short and sweet, but fills in the poem with lots of context and specific images.
Hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Life's is supposed to be possessive, but thank you so much for the tips!! I'll get right on adding some details and re-wording that first sentence. Thank you for the review! I'm a huge Audy fan so this is exciting.
Hey hey hey!
So, my entire senior year was filled with these ridiculous panic attacks because going to college terrified me so much. But now I'm here and it's awesome and I'm so glad I stuck through that year and applied to colleges and all of that awful stuff... So hang in there, it'll hopefully be great once you get here too.
On that note, this was beautiful. I love the "ceaseless wonderer" because it's a great picture of like, being scared of college but also really excited and ready for whatever is coming even though you don't know what it is.
The whole image of life being an unpainted canvas is just really good, and while I bet it's been done before you managed to capture it in a way that was super unique and original.
However, a bit more detail would be great, maybe mention of colors, because, you know, paint?
Also the beginning line was a bit strange. I'm not sure exactly what it means even after reading the whole poem several times. So maybe a bit more clarification.
Anyway, I'm a bit tired so hopefully this all made sense and you got something out of my review. I just really like this and wanted to comment.
Happy Writing.
This is pretty. Really very pretty. It reminds me much of Fitzgerald. I admire your success in writing one word lines that work well. I find that immensely difficult. Your vocabulary choice is perfectly chosen. My only nitpicks would be the capitalisation and the first line. The capitalisation one is more of a preference this though... It is fine without it in such a short piece I think though. The first line, however, is a clarity thing. I think if that one line were a little clearer, the piece would move from a beautifully written group of words to a meaningful piece that gets its point across much more powerfully.
Thank you so much for sharing! Congratulations on the college acceptance!
*the grey reality