back then,
we moved like
dappled sunlight in a breeze;
shadow reaching for shadow
closing the spaces between
choking light to love despite
the death of life
beneath.
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139,815 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
I like the truth that the poem speaks, you did a good job on that. It is a short poem, but it is long enough to have its purpose. I liked how you ended the poem the way you did, I felt like the ending lines made it more meaningful. The way you made the end of one line, fall into the start of the next, seemed to work fairly well for yourself.
This was a grand poem, keep writing!
-Winchester19867
Hey there! I just wanted to say, I thought this was really cool as a poem. I loved the flow - how there was little punctuation- perhaps to resemble the flow of the leaves moving in the wind from the tree to the ground. Also, some of your language use is great... like the "choking light" is really powerful. In addition, the ending of your poem is also really definite and powerful "despite the death of life beneath" obviously talking about the shedding of leaves in the winter - I thought that was really creative and beautiful... so well done!
My only criticism is that it's a bit short for me and would've have loved to read more - but that's just me being picky! Loved it!
Thank you so much! I never thought of that interpretation. I originally meant for the poem to illustrate how the shadows of leaves come together when the wind blows, and these shadows keep light from getting to the grass beneath the tree, causing the grass to die. I thought it's sort of a metaphor for a toxic relationship, but I like the leaves falling in the winter; I think that's more interesting. Thanks!
Hello, Royal! Wonderful evening, isn't it? Aaannnddd, I'm here to review.
Overall, I actually really enjoyed this poem. It's very peaceful and put my mind in a place of real ease. That said, I thought that the way that the actual poem was put together was a bit odd. See, take this little area for example:
"shadow reaching for
shadow"
^^ Though this a very nice image and the words sound natural and mesh nicely together, the actual sentence sounds off and choppy. Like there's this sort of unnecessary pause right before the second shadow. The piece would have sounded and felt a lot smoother had it's structure been put together a bit differently. This note applies to the poem as a whole.
That's basically my one big issue with this, but otherwise it's a pretty good poem with nice images and thought put into it. Keep up the great work and stay writing!
I made the corrections you suggested; what do you think now?
I was playing around with that structure before, but I didn't know which I preferred. Thanks for the review!
The structure's great. You're a great poet.
The changes really made it a smooth read. Kudos.
Thank you so much!
This poem is so beautiful, even in its sadness. I think it's very well done and circles back nicely to the idea of light from beginning to end. If you wanted to, you could expand on the death of life, because that might be a little hard for the reader to understand. But this poem is perfect without any changes, and amazing work!
hi
this is exhilarating for me personally.
even though it is telling; narrating something actually.
it is somewhat abstract in my imagination.
the whole poem, for me is convoluted in many definitions
i love it.
Keep writing. you are a talent