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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hey Rosan,
Here is my review.
Your longing feel is envisioned to me not just literally but by heart. You have tried to get the rhythmic count and it has it righteously. Though it is contented with too many stanzas it proved the requisite here. When you have achieved a while in punctuation, rhythm , and structure of a good enthralling poem you can try a wide range of diction and work on for it's flair.
As a part of my review let me get through every stanzas.....
" You said you'll be gone
just for a short while.
You gave me a hug
and showed me your smile."
This being a first stanza blooms romantically and picturizes your love.I definitely liked this.
" As I remember,
it was snowing too.
The mansion was warm,
furnishings were new."
Here I don't think explanation about your furnishings being new is more appropriate. You could have chosen some other to describe to make your love shown more porous. Otherwise it is good.
" The rose in your vase
smelled as sweet as can be
and so was your scent
when you were still with me."
This can give the feeling of some freshness about your feel.
"But now look at this,
the glass and the frames,
they have all darkened
like burns from the flames.
The couch you sit on
is buried in dust,
so please hurry up,
to come home you must.
The winter had left
but the cold had remained
and deep in my chest
I feel awfully pained.
Here by the window
I'm still waiting for you,
hoping you'll find me,
hoping you're going to."
From the above lines, I can clearly see how you miss a person. And I am sure everybody else would have got the same while reading it.
Such a love for such a beloved one is so quenchy and fills the thist of every feeble personalities. Hope to see more of your works. And even much more better kind of it.
GOOD LUCK. Bless you..!!!
This poem flowed so beautifully! Everything with the breaks in the lines and the stanzas was perfect. I enjoyed reading this because I could feel her sadness. The description of everything was on key and it was all in all, just a beautiful read. Great work.
Hi there!
Firstly I would like to begin by saying I loved reading this poem! The flow of the whole piece is perfect, which is quite hard to master so well done!
I could really picture the story in my head, it was so sad and sorrowful but believable.
Okay, points to maybe improve on:
Well... I think you need to try to include why and where has her partner gone? At the moment we are left to come up with our own explanations (which isn't necessarily always a bad thing) But has he found another partner? has he run away? is he dead? Maybe give us a tiny bit more detail on this, that way the reader will have a better understanding and maybe they will relate more to the character/situation?
HOWEVER, like I said, adding elements of mystery is not something that should be discouraged, so if anything I advise you to include it (just not too much).
One suggestion I would like to add is about your very last line. I like the subtle and sad atmosphere of the last stanza, it's a great ending but to me the last line doesn't really fit?
Maybe instead of saying "Hoping you're going to" Maybe try " Hoping you'll find me, This girl you once knew" ? Just a suggestion?
Apart from this I think overall you have done a great job and you really have the voice of a poet!
(Sorry if I rambled on a bit)
Well done I really liked it
Keep writing,
~*Annapurna*~
Hello there here is a me with a review for you although it is going to be a little one sorry for not making it bigger but I don't have the time.
and you put an extra r in "Buried".I really hope it helps you out.
The first problem I saw was the you showed me your smile like you showed me your car see it would be better I think like this you showed me your teeth.
This here sounds really weird to
OK this is a bit wired a problem is that in the same sentence above you wrote that he was siting on the couch.
Well I can't see anything else wrong good writing and grammar and spelling and punctuation.
Until later "Good bye and may god be with you."
Keep writing and good luck.
I hope that it helped you out some although it was kind of small.
Forgive me if I rambled you out of your house or something I am sorry if I did.
~Jon~
The poem flowed well. The feelings were well expressed. It had good readability. I would give it a 4 out of 5.
The poem flowed well. The feelings were well expressed. It had good readability. I would give it a 4 out of 5.