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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Wow, i have a special connection with this, my boyfriend went to basic training for a summer and when he came back, he wasn't the same, i especially like the line "I've got a hundred words to say of sadness and torment and still a thousand to convey" I really hope that you can dig a little deeper into your poems, you have so much potential to exploit true emotions, but you seem to have a topical safety. nevertheless, i enjoyed this very much
please write more and let me know when you do:)
Hi Rosan! Overall, I think this is a great piece that flows well. The last stanza hit especially hard. Rhyming poems are hard to pull off well but I think this works for the most part.
Just a couple things.
The word lyre really stuck out to me. It feels like it was just thrown in for the rhyme. Plus, since lyres are generally associated with Ancient Greece and aren't around anymore, it needlessly ties the piece to a specific time/place. This gets even weirder since you later say "calls you didn't get", implying a more modern setting. I know it's hard to work within a rhyme scheme, but I suggest taking it.
I think "forced leave" is awkward. I think something like "you had to leave" or "they made you leave" would work better and still fit with the rhythm.
Overall, I think this is sad and powerful. A couple small changes would make it smoother. Good job and keep writing!
This is so sad! I wrote a poem about a soldier who didn't come home and the wife he left, but I think the last stanza in your poem is much more plaintive and sorrowful than my whole poem put together. The only thing is that yours is innocent and hopeful, and mine is more grieving. Mine is also a little detached, like she can't believe he's gone and is still patiently waiting for him to come walking up that path. Yours is more like a puppy happy that he's here, waiting to tell him all about your life since he left and eager to hear his story. I think I like yours better than I like mine :/