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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey Rosan! Me again! Why is it like that? I always fall into one or two of your works...anyways, here's my review.
First, I would like to commend on your partial rhymes. I rarely do rhymes because they impede fluidity sometimes if one is not aware of his verses, but in here, it seems not so. Your rhymes in two verses per stanza is enough to make this upbeat rhythm in the piece which made it fun to read. I also like how you kept that rhythm for the rest of the stanza. That rocks like pop rocks (TM).
Anyways, there are some stanzas in your piece that didn't do well with the others. I mean, the verses in each stanza, they was fluid, but if you peruse stanza by stanza, some aren't doing well off with each other. Stanza one, three, four, seven and nine are quite detached from the tone of the piece. From the other stanzas, you seem to be describing the general feeling of lost and being curses and all that, but in those stanzas, you have described somebody else, or you expressed more of your personal touches. What I mean is that the stanzas seem to be jumbled focus-wise. So what I advise you to do is to find the focus in each stanza, then reorder them. Rewrite if you must.
Well, that's all I can review for now! Thanks for such a good read; I enjoyed it!
Good luck writing!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
Hi there!
I think you have done a great job with it!
It leaves the reader hanging and the words seem to drift away along with the reader. I like that.
I really liked this poem!
You have made the whole piece flow really smoothly, which can be quite hard, also the story is very clear and meaningful. I particularly like the last stanza because for me the ending is, to some degree, the most important part of a poem and I think you have done a good job of it
If I can make a suggestion, maybe in the firth stanza change the word "weakness" as it doesn't really rhyme with "flawless". This will maintain the smooth flow of the poem.
Also in the eighth stanza, the lines "he tore your feathers and took your every right" are a little bulky and needs shortening so it doesn't stick out awkwardly, for example you could alter it slightly like "he tore out your feathers and took away your right"? Try to balance these two lines so they both have the same number of syllables, this helps me sometimes.
Apart from this though I didn't really come across any other issues.
You have built up a strong atmosphere and story throughout so well done!
I really liked this poem so keep it up!
Hope this helped,
~*Annapurna*~