Cold Memories

“Breathe”

The air was cold. It stung my throat as it entered my lungs. I breathed in more air then exhaled through my mouth.

“Are you cold?” A gentle voice said coming from behind. It was the same voice I have been hearing ever since I can remember.

Icy hands reached for my shoulders and arms slipped around my neck. I felt a slight pressure on by back. I can feel the cold breaths at the side of my face.

“Don’t worry,” the voice whispered in my ear. “I’ll keep you warm.”

I kept my eyes closed and let my warmth be taken away.

My chest ached as I felt a painful longing. I wonder why, even though he was here with me. Still, I felt like he was going to leave.

“Sephir,” I sighed. “You’re cold.”

“Let me stay like this for a while,” he murmured.

I slowly opened my eyes just in time to see the sun rising in the horizon. The sun rose up little by little shading the sky with a golden glow. The trees cast long shadows from the light. Finally, the light reached me. It warmed up my body and made up for the heat I lost. The roses I held seemed to bloom even more with the sun shining on them.

I glanced to my right and saw Sephir leaning on my shoulder fast asleep. His long black hair fluttered in the passing breeze. I leaned back to him and closed my eyes.

Sephir has always been with me. As children we stayed together, after all, we were to be engaged. Our families agreed upon our marriage for two reasons. First is to elevate social status, fame. Second was to gain more riches, wealth.

He was older than me by five years. My parents rarely stayed home and his were always away. So at the age of five, he was the one who looked after me. The maids told him that it was their responsibility but he insisted on taking care of me. We were always together. Sometimes, we were even together when we sleep but that was precisely the reason why the maids wanted him to leave me in their care. They nagged about how improper it was for a lady to be in a man’s room.

I came to love Sephir in a way that a child loves a friend but Sephir looked at me differently. At that time, I didn’t know what it was.

When I turned five, I was informed about our engagement. Although I was still young, I knew what it meant but I didn’t know what to make of it or how to look at him that way. I felt troubled by the fact that I had shallow feelings for him. When Sephir came, I told that we were to marry. From the look on his face, it seems like he already knew about it. After a moment of silence, he looked at me with sadness and disappointment in his eyes and told me that he would tell his parents to break off the engagement if I didn’t want to marry him. I tried to say something but I didn’t know what to say. Sephir left without saying a word. I was filled with remorse.

From then on, Sephir only visited when there were occasions. Every time I tried to approach him, he noticed me and went away, and each time, it made more me certain that he didn’t want to see me anymore. It also made me feel terribly hurt. For some reason, I can’t help but think about him.

On the night of our berothal, I was dressed rather elegantly than normal but I guess it was more than enough to draw attention. I left the hall unnoticed and went to the balcony to get some fresh air. Sephir leaned on the parapet. He saw me approaching and headed for the hall. We passed each other silently. My eyes started to tear. I glanced at him and saw him staring at me. He looked different than normal. I didn’t notice it before but now that he didn’t avert my gaze, I realized how much time has passed since we started avoiding each other. I realized how much has changed. I could tell that he was thinking the same.

Sephir walked closer and wiped my tears away.

“Don’t go,” I said with desperation.

My chest tightened. If I let go of him, I felt like I’ll never see him again. I swallowed back my tears and tugged at his shirt before he could go. He paused for a moment.

“Sephir,” I called his name.

I felt a warm embrace. Sephir held me tightly. His scent lingered around me. My heart throbbed. We stayed that way for a while until I calmed down. I looked up at him. I looked at him differently than how I did before. It was then that I understood what I had been feeling these past few years. I had to tell him.

I parted my lips but before I could say anything, he hushed me with finger on my lips and shook his head then looked away.

“If you say anymore, I won’t be able to bear it any longer,” he said.

There was agony in his voice. It was my first time hearing him that way. There was a stabbing pain in my chest. Am I causing him pain too? Perhaps it is hate he feels for me, not love. After all, all I did was make him wait. My grip on him loosened. We were silent. He drew back his hands and turned his back towards me. We gave each other what seemed to be one last look. His eyes shown with sorrow, mine with anguish. We parted ways. Tear drops fell from both our eyes.

The day after, a messenger came to inform me that the engagement was forfeit. Sephir left the mansion. He disappeared.

I opened my eyes. I was breathing hard, my palms were sweating.

Sephir’s worried look greeted me as I blinked the sleepiness off my eyes.

“Don’t make that face,” I comforted. “It was just a dream.”
He smiled then gazed at me. I stared at his deep dark eyes. I smiled back at him then went back to sleep, no, I tried to go back to sleep. My mind was unsettled. I felt his hand stroke my hair. There’s no need to worry; Sephir is right by my side.

Ah, now I remember. A few years after, we received a letter. I told the maids to open it and read for me. They didn’t exactly read the letter to me but they told me what it was about. They told me where Sephir was. My mind was filled with nothing but him. I wanted to meet him. Isn’t that why I’m here?

No, it isn’t. I remember what the letter said. I opened my eyes. How could I forget something so important? Reality is harsh, the world is just too cruel, maybe that is why I wanted to run off to a far off place and enjoy the comfort of my fantasies. But I cannot go on like this. The truth becomes harder to bear; much more tormenting the longer it is neglected. I have to face it before the pain it causes drives me to insanity.

I sat up straight and turned my body towards what I was leaning on. It wasn’t Sephir. What I saw was merely an illusion, what I heard was a misconception, and what I felt was probably just my imagination. I stroked the petals of the roses I had on my lap. Their fragrance was spread by the wind.

I lay the roses on the ground next to the granite I was leaning on. My tears fell as I bent forward and felt the letters engraved on it. I stood up, staring at the blue sky, took a deep breath and started to walk away. Farewell.

The next year, on the same day, I will come to this place again, lean on the stone that marks where he lay, cry myself to sleep, and wallow in memories of the times I spent with him. But the next time, I hope he takes me with him leaving my body to rest in eternal slumber. And by then, maybe I could finally say the words I failed to tell him that night.

“Sephir, I love you.”