Leaving Life

Hey there Rosan! I remember reading your first post and now I am here to tell you how I felt about this one! Okay, first thing is first, I really enjoyed it, it reminded me a lot of how I started writing, and still write. It was short and simple and sweet. You never pointed out the exact message, which made it all the more better.

I haven't seen many mistakes within this piece, a few grammatical errors here and there, but not much. The first one I did see though was in the third stanza there should be a comma after "But even so" and same thing in the fourth stanza after the two lines that don't have a period, now that I have pointed this out, I am not going to go any farther with correcting it, but this is only because I am going to give you the little tip I was told not too long ago. When checking over your work, don't pause at the end of each line, pause after a comma or period, by doing this you will be able to smooth out the flow of your lines.

Next, I think that added the word "from" in the fifth stanza before "the palm of my hand" would also make your poem smoother. Next, I really loved the seventh stanza, but I think the last line should be "it had any harm" or something along those lines, it was just a bump along your perfectly cleared path.

My favorite stanza would have to be the eighth, I am not exactly sure why, I just felt a connection to those lines most. Like I said before though, I LOVED this piece, it was lovely and simple, and just all around beautiful. I can't wait to see more work from you!

~Skye~

When I review poems (especially when they are done in such format) I like to go from stanza to stanza, so here I go!

First stanza: I really like it. I think that your poem was based on simplicity, and though it was simple I liked it, and it has true meaning. My only advice would be to watch the past/present tense mix up, I do that all the time. And it actually sounds cool with the "I saw nothing at all" so I think it's better to put that since this is in past tense.

Second stanza: This stanza is nice. A good stanza for a good poem, honestly nothing wrong with it, again simple and telling.

Third stanza: This stanza, hmm, I did not really understand it. I am not sure if you mean the person was living a lie with their family and friends so they were glad to go? I also realize this could have been a typo so, perhaps just read it over? And here is another way that could have been worded
"But even so
I did not deny,
I did not want
to be living a lie." which I think is what you meant.

Fourth stanza: Again, simple and nice, good rhyming and I think this is a poem with a sweet ending, but I think more description would be great.

Fifth stanza: I like how you wrote "everything was leaving the palm of my hand" that gave the reader some imagery, and it was good wording.

Sixth stanza: I like the stanza, and am not too sure how to critique it except to say possibly add an extra saying from the Voice other than just "You've fallen hard". That is just my opinion though.

Seventh stanza: Nothing wrong with it, nothing exciting about it, but it was nice.

Eight stanza: I like it! This stanza flowed especially well with me in it's simplicity, and I really liked it.

The final stanza: Very sweet! I liked the ending the most.

So, overall my advice would be to use more description/descriptive words, and to look at the third stanza. Good job!

*I totally did not register the ending with the title and thought it was a good ending...so I had written AWWWWW on the front. Knowing now by the title this is probably about someone dying, I'll take that off the top and simply tell you that's what I had thought.

keeeeep dreaming of wonderful things! ~ thewritersdream