i.
Today, I got out of bed.
This was a big deal.
It's the first time in months
that I've actually tried to heal.
The pain is still there,
I believe that's evident.
My mind; my heart,
my soul; so delicate.
ii.
Today there was more progress;
I finally said your name.
But you're not there to answer me;
it's just not the same.
Your name escapes my lips,
now relentlessly, consistently.
A desperate, quiet cry
awaking me from my sleep.
iii.
Today, I mistakenly
thought it was you that I saw
But that was foolish of me;
because you are long, long gone.
But it still hurt
just to see "your" face.
The mere idea of it
sent my heartbeat into a race.
iv.
I heard your laugh today,
and it was bittersweet, I've found.
Even though it brings me pain,
it is still my favorite sound.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
I want to heal, I do.
But I'm afraid I can't
if I do not have you.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello, Rachel. Firstly, I' d say that this poem is vey well written. The rhyming is very nice and it is hard to find such lovely rhyming poems. Your starting and the end were perfect. In fact, I don't have any criticism. My favourite stanza would be:
"But it still hurt
just to see "your" face.
The mere idea of it
sent my heartbeat into a race."
I really liked this poem and hope to read more of your work.
- Anshira.
Hey there RachelLeeAnn
Supernb here to review!
Firstly, great job with the poem. I really liked it
You expressed your feelings and your condition so aptly.
And your rhyming pattern is perfect!
This poem is about moving on after a failed relationship and a broken heart. A condition that many of us had to go through and its definitely not a easy task. But you managed to express all this in your poem so easily and wonderfully. Brave for that!
"Today there was more progress;
I finally said your name.
But you're not there to answer me;
it's just not the same.
Your name escapes my lips,
now relentlessly, consistently.
A desperate, quiet cry
awaking me from my sleep."
- this is my favorite stanza from the whole poem. It describes your condition and what you are going through.
And the last stanza is just the perfect end to your poem! Cherry on a cake
The introduction, body, conclusion- everything is alright
oh yeah here is a small nitpick i found, but it is just a typing error i guess.
"But it still hurt"
- It should be " But it still hurts".
Other than that there is nothing else i could find.
So overall a job well done!
Keep up the good work
I would love to read more from you.
Cheers!
-- Supernb
Hi! there RachelLeeAnn
The words—in every line of each stanza, flow in coordination that your emotions affect your readers. We, as well, feel your hurt and your want to have him back at your side.
With your last stanza, it was much evident and it wrapped up the whole poem.
Looking forward to your upcoming works..
Keep writing
Really nice poem, you're a natural writer
I like how you broke the poem down into different parts, and the numbers (that kinda made it into chapters almost) was really creative and I hope you keep it.
You wrote:
Maybe write:
The pain is still there;
I believe that's evident.
because "I believe that's evident" is a full sentence, and a comma isn't strong enough to separate two sentences.
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I think you can just put commas instead of semicolons. Semicolons are used to separate sentences, and in this case "My mind" or "My heart" doesn't need to be disconnected with a semicolon.
instead of this, how about "today there was more progress: I finally said your name."
A semicolon works fine, but I think this could be a kind of a better approach?
would be a bit more fluent if it was written like:
"Today, I had you mistaken
for someone else."
Well but then that would ask you to change the rhymes for the other ones, but it's not that hard, right?
I know you had to write some sentences awkwardly to fit it into the writing scheme. I think you managed to still put everything beautifully, better than I could have done!
Keep writing!
Wow. This is an incredible poem. The emotions dealt with throughout it leaves you feeling... emotional...
Should there be a semicolon after "my heart," also?
This final, concluding stanza is my favorite. Throughout nearly your entire poem, the ABCB rhyme scheme flows perfectly, and here it is just powerful. The simple do/you rhyme just fits perfectly.
You are such an amazing poet! Just wait, you're going to be famous one day! You already are famous on the Young Writer's Society... Keep it up!
Aw, you're making me blush ^^ thanks for the review!
Hai there,
Star here to dish out a review!
First of before I begin I want to say that this was so beautiful. It was so emotional and it brought me back to some of the pains in my past (in a good way) and it was so real. The flow was wonderful and as much as I usually don't like rhyming, it really worked here.
Second,
I don't know but I feel like the second line kinda threw me. The flow was pulling me a long and then we hit this little speed bump, I think there are to many syllables in it and it makes it clunky...yeah.
Also,
I don't know about do not. I seems so...formal. Especially if the MC is talking about someone they loved, I think they would be more informal than that. Like make it into the contraction.
Alright, that's all for now!
Keep on Keeping on and much love,
Star
Thanks for your input!
would the last line sound better if it were "can't" instead of "do not?"
I like don't. It keeps with the slow and your meaning.
First off I think you nailed the five stages of a break up heads down. The speaker in your poem you can feel the hurt and the sudden urge to be healed throughout which I enjoyed. I liked how you broke up the parts of her thinking in different lines instead of just one big duper mess of words. I like your jargon and how you can tell that its like an ordinary person's thinking. Not quite sure what the roman numerals had to do with anything though. I see no grammical errors or anything I did not like of this poem so well done on that part. I enjoyed how you said " "your" face." I thought that was a nice touch you don't always need a name and you took advantage of it. Over all well done and I hope you continue writing