I know this is rather long... please take the time to read it! I'm kind of proud of this one!
It’s just me on this mountain;
I forget that you’re here.
In trials and struggles,
I hide you with fear.
I stumble and trip;
I’m sure it’s a pity to see.
I look nothing at all like
who I thought I would be.
I pictured a hero;
someone who doesn’t need help.
But now I’ve come to realize
only You can make me well.
“What are you doing?
I need you!” I cry.
My words leave a silence;
You give no reply.
Bloody and battered,
I can climb no more.
Broken and bruised,
straight down to my core.
“I’m done!” I yell.
“I’ve tried for too long!
Why do I deserve this?
What did I do wrong?!
“Forget the mountain top.
Forget the dreadful climb.
I don’t want to see the peak,
I’ve lost the will to try.”
The silence hangs there as
You give me my moment.
I’m down on the ground
lying still, as if frozen.
You finally respond
to my desperate cries
as I bow my head,
and shut my eyes.
“Why are you afraid,
oh, ye of little faith?
Why are you crying?
Lift up your face.
"I’ve put you here with purpose.
I won’t let you be a waste.
Pick yourself up
and finish this race.
"I dare you, child:
get back on your feet.
I believe you’re more,
now prove it to me.
"I say to you, darling:
I’m commanding you to move.
Push til the end;
you’ve nothing to lose.
"I've said it before:
to be bold, and to go.
So get up, my dear child,
and do what you know. ”
I let Your words sink in,
and tears roll down my cheeks,
You always have a way
of speaking to me.
And as I slowly ascend,
I look up to the sky.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“Anytime,” You reply.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
That was truly awesome! It was a simple topic, but you brought it to life. I can relate perfectly to your poem because of the way it is drawn out. I saw the play by play. I like the dialogue, especially between God and yourself. When I face obstacles, I imagine a literal mountain like this, and pretty much the exact thing happens too. It doesn't look like the poem needs any work. It flows. Awesome!
Thank you!
)
Hi there, Rachel. Subtle here for a review, now, allow me to say you must be proud of yourself for this one. This is a wonderful poem. I really liked the idea behind this poem, is not an easy one to write but you've somehow pulled it off, magnificently. The rhythm was perfect in this poem, absolutely flawless I have nothing to say about. Everything line flows smoothly and rhythmically, the language here is also wonderful. I absolutely adore it, like this one here.
I didn't exactly expect, 'oh, ye of little faith' in a poem like this. But it fits the poem so well, that I was truly wordless of it.
I really have no constructive opinion on how you should edit or change this poem, is beautiful the way it is and I truly adore everything within it. Great work, I'm going to look out for your future works now.
-S.s
Thank you!:)
Rachel! Another beautiful poem! You sure have a way with words! I loved the flow, it was smooth, mind settling in a way. Your rhyming scheme was absolutely superb. You are a truly excellent writer, and after looking your poem over several times I saw no grammatical errors, though I didn't expect any from you.
The second and third stanzas really worked for me, the way they flow, the way I relate to them. People never end up the way they expect, and you captured that beautifully. "Oh, ye of little faith?" I absolutely loved this line, there is just a certain aspect to it that you managed to flow into it. Another line that I loved more than I should, "So get up, my dear child, and do what you know."" You always manage to have such, story telling lines inside your poems, and that is what I love about them.
Overall it is a truly beautiful and excellent poem, and you should be proud of yourself for making such an artwork. Keep writing poems Rachel, you're amazing at it!
Thank you so much! That means a lot to me.