I am a shell.
No, not a shell from a shotgun,
nor one you'll find by the sea.
No, I am a shell
of who I once used to be.
I look the same on the outside,
as far as both friends and strangers can tell.
They can't see I'm no longer myself;
I suppose no one knew me very well.
I'm a shell that shows no feelings.
I am a shell of a person who used to sing.
I'm a shell that is not healing.
I'm a shell who no longer does anything.
Every so often, if moved,
I will stir.
But, far too quickly,
to my shell state I return.
Enclosed in my mind
and lost in my thoughts.
This is where I am found,
more often than not.
Not only am I a shell,
but I am hollow inside.
I've no hopes, dreams, or desires;
I have no will to try.
The dimples on my cheeks
can't seem to find their way back.
And the light once in my eyes
has faded to black.
Day to day,
I sit and I stare.
I don't even want to try.
I don't even want to care.
Yes, just one final time,
again I will say:
I am a shell.
and I am not okay.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,041 Literary Works • 672,928 Reviews
Oh my goodness. That was incredible.
I have to agree with 'giuliaarmiero' when I say I slightly envy your talent.
The depht in your writing is phenomenal, I could relate from start to finish.
I know what it's like, especially when you say;
'I've no hopes, dreams, or desires;
I have no will to try.
(...)
Day to day,
I sit and I stare.
I don't even want to try.
I don't even want to care.'
I have been there (and I feel like, in a way, I still am) far too many times, and I sympathise with your feelings.
Very well written!
Thank you! I'm glad you feel you can relate.
Hey,
This is a really good poem and I really related to it.
It was written well and you managed the rhyme well. There are only a few places in which the rhyme is a bit askew so to say.
I suggest you change this to
"No, I am a shell
Of who I used to be"
It simply keeps in rhyme with the rest of the rhyme in the stanza and sometimes if you can say something in fewer words the better.
You can see this in fewer words, making it flow better. Something like,
"I look the some on the outside,
As far as most can tell"
You have written a poem that doesn't have overly long lines, so when you put a longer line in there a lot of the time it ruins the flow. Of course you don't have to listen to my suggestions at all, but they may help with rhyming.
You don't need italicise or bold words or lines, you are welcome to, but I've always had the opinion that you should be able to get your message across or put emphasis on a word or line without making it obvious. Readers don't need lines to be pointed out to them through a change in font or what have you to know that they are important. If you want to draw emphasis on a certain line or word or idea you can use a varying amount of techniques, such as, line breaks, rhyme, pauses etc.
Apart from those few things you have written a very good poem, simply watch rhythm and rhyme and you will be great!
Keep writing
Nargles xx
Thank you!
Your edits have been noted. Im glad you enjoyed it otherwise!
At first, the meaning behind this piece was a little hard to grasp I think.
But it hit me here:
'I am a shell.
and I am not okay.'
This seems to be some kind of reference to someone who is feeling empty, devoid of emotion like a shell. A caged human being who is wandering around mindlessly is the impression I get after reading this piece. It is quite a depressing thought.
But well written.
Yeah, you nailed that. Haha I'm glad you enjoyed it
A shell of yourself....ah, I can relate. This is really well written, your feelings expressed in the form of a rhythmic poem is a very ingenious ways to do it. All your descriptions are also very accurate and acute, well, you must know. How it feels. I feel the same most of the time.
But well done.... well done...
Wow.
I could never write such a beautiful and meaningful poem and I just really want to congratulate you.
Am I even going to mention how jealous I am of you?
First of all, the rhythm of it is almost what struck me the most. I've always preferred poems which rhyme, and this one had such a lyrical beat; plus, with those words it wouldn't take much to just start singing it!
With your words you transmitted such a clear feeling it could almost make time stop to really get you thinking of the poem and how you relate to it. I think that's a gift.
Brilliant start, love how you opened by describing the different shells there are and I think that by starting like this the reader can immediately understand the metaphor behind your poem.
Only one single thing I could comment on: I don't know if you had a syllable formation in your poem but since I like the way you repeat 'I am a shell' I think it's best to write I AM rather than I'M.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you so much.
I really like this poem and the subject matter it deals with. You have great grammar and spelling and all of that. But, the rhymig scheme is way off. I'm not on a computer right now so it is kind of difficult to copy and paste. If you want though, I can pick out which lines need a change in rhyme later on when I get on my computer. But yeah the only issues I found were with structure really. Besides that it's very nice
I would really appreciate that!
I liked this poem,and the consept behing it of you being "a shell of yourself"
That is smart.
Wow this was a great poem!!
Sooooo inspiring!
RachelLeeAnn, your works are really good!!
Keep writing and stay strong!
This is a poem which is full of feeling, and feelings I can relate too as well! You've done a great job of communicating with the reader and getting your thoughts and message across.
I particularly like how you've put the last "I am a shell" in bold, as it really emphasizes your point and gets across what you mean, which also sorts of brings the poem to a close.
I like the lines:
"The dimples on my cheeks
can't seem to find their way back."
Which I found really powerful, and well done!
How you say this is close to home, then I really hope you're okay soon, and I really really really hope you feel better. I can relate to this feeling, as I've been through something recently which wasn't very nice at all, but we can all struggle through these things, right?
-CFG
Thank you so much!
I hear what you're saying. Your emotions and voice are strong throughout the poem; even if the poem had no flow, I would like it simply because passion built up from the beginning to end. Not a heartwarming piece by any stretch of the imagination, but it is beautiful, much like the shell you refer to so often in the poem.
I have no complaints, and I apologize for that.
Keep writing, please. Your poetry does, indeed, strike close to home.
Thank you. I'm glad you can feel you can relate.