Lungs taking deep breaths, in and out.
A muffled heartbeat pounding behind ribs.
A roused mind, wandering about.
And your name upon my lips.
I can't remember the sound of your voice;
I can't remember you being here.
You used be my favorite noise-
but now, there is nothing left to hear.
Your laughter; your breathing.
The way you'd lay back and sigh.
I can no longer hear anything,
no matter how hard I try.
No, you left behind a calmness;
a quiet that chills my bones.
A silence that is deafening,
and that shows me I am alone.
I tried to fill the void;
believe me: I truly tried.
I started filling it with simple noise,
but there was no replacement I could find.
So now here I sit,
listening to nothing.
Waiting and wondering
when I will hear something.
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140,673 Literary Works • 673,588 Reviews
That word 'silence' doesn't really seem appropriate there.... But other than that I love it!!
I can't help but notice that you could write nice lyrics because you sound at ease with your rhymes.
Thank you! I've actually been told that before.
Hello Rachel!
First off, WOW JUST WOW!!!! This is incredible. My heart feels as if it has shattered also. This poem is so meaningful that it gave me the shivers and filled me with happiness and comfort. It was truly amazing, and oh so relatable for me. With hardships and breakups and broken hearts, this poem reaches out to all of that. Making it so anyone can read this and feel some type of feeling that brings back memories. Well, that's what it did for me.
Your words are also really good in this. Each one dancing in my head. I'm not going to lie, I was upset when it was over because it gave me a surge of adrenalin as I read it. The ending word was the homerun for me though and I really liked how you italicized it to give it more depth and meaning.
Overall: I don't really need to give you an overall, because like I have said about 100000000000000000 times within the last few sentences that this poem is amazing.
-Emily
P.S. I'm really tired, so if whatever I just said makes no sense to you, I am sorry. I ramble off when I'm excited.
Wow Rachel :')
It gives me a feeling of seeing a movie or reading a book, complete.
Its like you narrated a story which ofcourse got me emotionally bound.
I cannot really pick out lines I love, just because I love each one of them dearly.
I think you are a great poet and should write more of this kind.
The loss and the emptiness it creates is well expressed.
All the best
Keep writing!
Your description intruiged me.
I enjoyed this poem. I'm not as poetic as some other people who will doubless review this, but I know a good one when I see it. The emotion was plain; it was like I could touch it and feel it that way.
The rhyming scheme, however, needed just a little attention. I actually wasn't aware there was one at first, but I noticed it at the end. The fourth stanza's kinda lost the rhyming scheme in the first and third lines of the ABAB pattern. Same with the second to last stanza. The first and third don't rhyme the same as the others. Those are the only spots I see. The last poem didn't fit into the ABAB pattern, but that's probably intentional and there is likely a name for it I'm not aware of.
Once again, loved it, absolutely loved it. The emotion was there, the words flowed, and I didn't get bored (which is quite a feat, believe me). Keep it up.
Hope to see more from you soon!
~Questio~
P.S. Have you done any song lyrics? If so, PM me; I'm interested. If not, look into it. With emotion like this in a poem, you could definently write a good song.
Thank you! Your points have been noted.
No, I haven't done any song lyrics. I've toyed with the idea of it, though.