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The Beach

by Phillauthet


When you ever go to the beach,

You never come across a leech

The sunlight as it shines on the sea,

A wonderful sight to see!



Sometimes when there's a storm,

Bigger waves will form

But when the storm clears,

An amazing sight, my dear!



To see the rising sun,

Waking early you've got to learn,

It's worth, don't you think,

To see the sun without a blink!



But please keep the beach clean,

Don't ever be so mean,

What nature has gifted us,

We must care more, not less.


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38 Reviews


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Reviews: 38

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Tue Sep 15, 2020 5:42 am
nanda wrote a review...



Hello @Phillauthet
I have never been to the beach. But your poem really made me feel as if I was there itself. It's a beautiful work, I must say. And the topic is a unique one. The rhyming scheme has a great impact on the reader.
The sea, the leach, the storm ,the waves, the sun, the sand and everything else... Visualising all this was such a lovely experience!!
I am in love with the way you ended your poem. When one starts reading it, they can never imagine that a poem based on the beauty of the surroundings would end up giving a beautiful message about keeping them clean. But that was superb!! I really loved it.
Albeit, the vocabulary could have been better.
Overall your work was awesome. I enjoyed reading it.
And thank you for such a beautiful work and message.
Keep writing and good luck for future!




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 9:16 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi Phil,

warm welcome to YWS - I hope you're enjoying it so far! I'm here to review your poem with a method called the Review S'more!

So starting with the First Graham Cracker - Interpretation:

I think the poem was a little clear to get 1 consistent method from. The first stanza seemed to be a reflection on the good things about the beach, the second stanza was about sometimes things being difficult like when storms come in, but then in the third stanza the conflict from stanza two gets solved by the sun, and the 4th stanza was about how we need to do our part to help preserve the good things about the beach.

There was a little bit of a problem I think with those themes feeling disconnected. 1) beach good, 2) beach not good, 3) beach good, 4) keep the beach clean. I think if you could find a way to bring some of the environmental concerns into the earlier stanza and connect how each of the first three relates a bit better it'd strengthen and clarify the poem.

Another interpretation is that the "beach" is a metaphor for life -> sometimes life is good, sometimes it's filled with storms, but we need to take care of ourselves and our bodies to keep living on.

Next part of this review is the slightly burned marshmallow -> Critiques:

As I just mentioned I think an important point of improvement would be to connect your stanza's themes a bit more to add continuity to the piece.

Another critique is the second line of the piece quite confused me and seemed a bit silly / implausible compared to the rest of the poem ->

When you ever go to the beach,

You never come across a leech


I think people do run into leeches at the beach, especially if it's a lake-beach, so I'm not really following how this makes sense or why it's included, it seemed a bit like a stretch to find a rhyming word. The other rhyme that seemed a bit forced was "sun" & "learn" in the third stanza, they're close but not really working I don't think -> maybe something like fun, done, hon, run could be used instead. Beach is a little bit harder to find something to rhyme with but you could use reach, teach, meet, leap, preach...


The next part of the review is the sweet part, the chocolate - Praise:

I think you did a good job keeping the lines even and keeping a consistent rhyme scheme of rhyming couplets throughout the whole poem! That helps preserve the flow of the piece and gives it a nice clean order. The punctuation and capitalization seemed consistent and clear too, except I thought perhaps you could have ended the last stanza in an exclamation point as you end every other stanza with one and it's kind of the big finale of the piece.

I also thought you did a good job being specific with what you liked about the beach, rather than just describing vague waves, you used specific experience / imagery -> I think it could be even more specific if you put the speaker within the poem and used an "i" voice" or even evoked memories -> ie. "i remember the sand between toes" or something. But overall you did paint a picture with your poem in a way that was interesting to read, and the length of the poem felt long enough to say what you wanted to say without it being too long to get boring or tedious for the reader.

The conclusion of our review is where it closes everything up with that last graham cracker -> Overall thoughts:

Overall, the main thing I'd work on going forward is paying a bit more attention to those rhyming words and continuity. But you've got some great building blocks in your form and nice consistency in your writing. Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to reading more poetry from you!

~alliyah

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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:04 pm
Magebird wrote a review...



Hello there, Phillauthet! I saw you just joined YWS today, so welcome to the site. <3

Nature poetry often comes across as deep and philosophical, but this poem did a great job capturing the side to nature that other poems sometimes fail to describe: the fun side! The beach was a fun, adventurous place for me growing up. I still see it as the perfect place to go on a hot, sunny day. Part of what helped you capture that fun tone was the rhymes you used throughout the poem. Rhyming every line runs the risk of including words that don't really make sense in order to keep the rhyming scheme going, but every rhyme here matched the theme of the poem.

I love your descriptions of the more majestic sides to the beach (waves and sunrise) but my favorite part is actually this stanza:

When you ever go to the beach,

You never come across a leech

The sunlight as it shines on the sea,

A wonderful sight to see!


Specifically, I really love those first two lines! I've gone swimming in both the ocean and freshwater lakes; growing up, no leeches was the first major distinction I made between the two of them. It made me smile when I saw you did the same thing here.

I just have two suggestions for this poem. One of them is a nitpick, and the other is some formatting advice from someone who's posted poetry on YWS for a few years. :)

The nitpick is about the punctuation you used. You mainly used commas at the end of your lines, with the occasional exclamation point. There's also a period at the very end of the piece to signify its conclusion. Since you use exclamation points and have that one final period, I would suggest putting periods at the end of sentences throughout the poem as well. You can also take out the exclamation points and replace them with commas, but I think that would take away the fun energy you have in the poem.

Formatting wise, there's actually a trick for making the spaces between lines smaller! If you don't want that space in between each line, just hit shift and enter at the same time. If you hit enter on its own, you'll be able to get a line break without having to hit enter multiple times.

So instead of looking like it does in the poem, the stanza I quoted earlier would look like this instead:

When you ever go to the beach,
You never come across a leech
The sunlight as it shines on the sea,
A wonderful sight to see!


I hope my review makes sense! Let me know if you have any questions about it or the site as a whole - I'd be happy to help you out. :)

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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:02 pm
Stellarjay wrote a review...



Hello Phillauthet,
First off welcome to YWS! I hope you are enjoying the site so far. But that's not why I'm here. Let's get to the review shall we? This poem was a joy to read. I love the ocean too and I think you expressed it's beauty in the best way.

To see the rising sun,

Waking early you've got to learn,

It's worth, don't you think,

To see the sun without a blink!

This stanza made me smile. Seeing the morning sun reflecting off the water in the morning is a sight you wouldn't want to miss.

In all it's simplicity and beauty, this poem was perfect in it's own way. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
Stellarjay




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:46 am
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...



Hi @Phillauthet! I'm here for a quick review.
It's really a beautiful piece of poetry. I love reading this, it's a wonderful poem to read. It reminds us once again how beautiful nature is and how we've been forgetting to care about it every day. This poem is quite something to read with a simple title but unforgettable words decorating the simple and intriguing title. I don't know if this is imaginative or real expressions but it is truly impressive and I don't think I have anything critisim here. I loved reading this poem and would love to read more of your writings!

Thank you for writing this!
You made my day!

Keep on writing!

Best wishes,
Chris




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 11:21 am
UsonaNaciisto says...



This poem made me laugh. However, it was not out of derision. I quite liked this poem. It reminds me of simpler times. I appreciate the unending positivity that radiates from your work. I noticed a few small grammar issues, yet they are minor and can easily be fixed.

It is a simple, focused piece that I appreciate a lot. It genuinely brought me a sense of nostalgia and joy. Please keep up the great work, as you are a talented poet and works such as this are endlessly valuable in these uncertain times.





There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker