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Young Writers Society



Sleep

by Phillauthet


I plop down on my bed.
There's nothing much in my head. 
And I fall down deep,
deep into sleep.

And then, all of a sudden
I remember I have wings, hidden
under my thoughts. I break free,
and fly to a world made just for Me.

I glide in the flow of things,
the wonders my mind brings.
And dream up amazing landscapes
of great sizes and shapes.

The pit itself isn't very cold
It amplifies my thoughts manifold.
It lets me create a world, where
I can escape little affairs.

It tries its best to calm me down,
erase from my face, crease and frown.
And give me a smile, be it
one of amused mirth, or legit.

Though it tries so hard, it can 
only continue what's been begun.
It can't change my thoughts, it can't 
give me more than I have ; what I want.

So I can't change the ingredient,
or abandon what is abundant.
I remember in detail my great scares,
territories 'I wish I hadn't gone there'.

But I don't at all blame the pit
for the scares intensified by it.
Without it, I'd never face my fears.
I'd never leave my protective sphere


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Mon Jun 14, 2021 8:00 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there, Phillauthet!
This was a nice introspective poem with a contemplative tone. I thought the speaker had a personal and earnest voice, especially with how they almost seem to sympathise with the “pit” in the end, and also personifies sleep.

Subject, Themes, Narrative

I read the last stanza as an interesting take on nightmares. I honestly hadn’t expected the speaker to accept the fact that nightmares exist, and so it was a pleasant surprise to see an uncommon position.

But I don't at all blame the pit
for the scares intensified by it.


These lines stood out to me whenever I read the poem, because that’s where the ‘turn’, the unexpected reveal happens. It also just feels like such a nice and concise way to link back to the image of the “pit” that was used earlier on and to summarise the ‘point’ of the poem.

I also thought it was interesting how the “protective sphere” at the end could link back to the idea of “a world made just for Me”. I think it could be interpreted as a narrative about sleep being an escape from problems in the waking world, but only for a short period of time, with the story ultimately concluding that it is better to face one’s fears (and so even nightmares are a-okay).

Language and Imagery

I’m just going to zoom into two stanzas that I had stuff to say about regarding imagery:

It tries its best to calm me down,
erase from my face, crease and frown.
And give me a smile, be it
one of amused mirth, or legit.


In this one, I was impressed by how you were able to use words that both painted a specific image and made a natural, smooth-flowing rhyme. “erase . . . face” and “down . . . frown” for instance created this idea of sleep as a whimsical, simplistic solution. I was a bit confused by the use of the word “legit” at the end there, though. I wasn’t quite sure how that related to “mirth” or facial expressions, generally.

I glide in the flow of things,
the wonders my mind brings.
And dream up amazing landscapes
of great sizes and shapes.


Here, I loved the first line and how it led into the second one. The verb “glide” matches “flow” so well and conveys that sense of lightness that is associated with sleep at the beginning of the poem. The transition to “landscapes” I thought was also fitting, recalling maybe a body of water next to land, though I did find myself wondering what exactly these landscapes looked like. Green valleys or rocky mountainous regions? And what great sizes and shapes exactly?

As a side note, the first time sleep was described as a “pit” I was a bit confused as to what “pit” was referring to. The line just begins “The pit . . . “, so I would suggest maybe adding something that connects that to “sleep” or the “world’ mentioned in the end of stanza 2, if you ever do a revision of this piece.

Structure and Sound

Structurally, the regular AABB rhymes in this unmetered poem stood out to me. There were a few points where the choice of words to rhyme was unexpected and made me think ‘hey, I’ve never seen those rhymed before, I didn’t even know they rhymed!’ which is a fun feeling when reading rhymed poems. One of my favourites was:

The pit itself isn't very cold
It amplifies my thoughts manifold.


I wasn’t so sure about the quotations in the second-to-last stanza here:

territories 'I wish I hadn't gone there'.


I get what you might have been going for, and I just think the line felt a bit clunky to read aloud, especially since there’s no connecting word or something similar between ‘territories’ and the speaker’s direct speech. It also makes it seem as though the rhyme with ‘scares’ was a bit forced, if that makes sense.

Finally, I liked how you used enjambments in stanzas 2 and 6. In stanza 2, the enjambment creates this more fragmented feel to the speaker’s thoughts, which matches the motion of flight suggested by “wings” and also seems to work together with the idea of the speaker “breaking free” in a dream. Meanwhile, in stanza 6 the enjambment at “can” gave me the impression that the speaker was feeling regretful, resisting the idea at first that the good dreams couldn’t solve all their problems.

That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review! I did find it helpful to see my poem in a way I couldn't as the writer.

In the 5th stanza, I meant 'legit' as a contraction of 'legitimate', expressing that the smile might be an amused one, or a real one of joy. But yeah, I get your point.

Thanks again!



Liminality says...


Ah, I see! That explanation makes sense! I guess it might have needed a few more words to convey that nuance? I think I also tend to associate 'legit' with internet-speak, which is probably why I got confused the first time. And thank you for sharing your poem!



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Sat Jun 05, 2021 1:45 pm
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anne27 wrote a review...



Hi Phillauthet!! I'm here to review your work!!
So lets begin

FLOW
I really have to compliment you on this!! Amazing rhymes - seriously, the rhyming scheme was so demanding, yet you succeeded to make it work!! The rhymes made the poetry flow so well! And till the last it was so enjoyable to read! (Maybe you can give me tips too :))

LANGUAGE AND MEANING
The language was apt. Some words gave the poem a very classy look. Which was great. Furthermore,as some people associate sleep with laziness, the message of the poem was contradicting that notion- which was something I really liked. After all, if sleep only meant dumb things- we wouldn't still have it after natural selection. So naturally, there are plus points to it. I maybe saying nonsense now, please excuse me !!

The poem is really admirable, however I did find it kind of broke off in the middle somewhere. In the 2nd stanza, we're talking about wings- but in the 4th stanza, a pit suddenly appears. How can you fall in a pit when you have wings? What kind of pit is it and how is it related with sleep? Those parts were a little vague.

Overall though, I enjoyed reading your poem. Keep writing!!:D




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for reviewing!
Yeah... I too think that the wings part was a bit vague... But I meant that I fell into the pit of sleep, and then I remembered that I have wings (dreams), so I glide around in the pit without falling to the bottom.

I thought of adding that our wings get weaker as the years pass... And one fine day we fall into eternal sleep... But I wasn't exactly getting the words so I left it (now I'm speaking nonsense but whatever)

Anyway, thanks!



anne27 says...


No problem!! :)
OK thanks for clarifying.

Hmm good idea! But it looks great as it is. So I don't think its a problem to leave it as it is. :)



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Fri Jun 04, 2021 4:49 pm
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Ruthie wrote a review...



Hello :)
Nice poem!
Some improvements I think would be nice are:

- It needs more of a sense of rhythm, which you could do with the syllables of the words
- Some of the rhymes seemed a bit strained. If you can't think of a word that rhymes with it you could try changing the starting word to something similar.

Over all, it was quite good!
The third stanza was my favorite.
I like the imagery and general mood.

Keep up the amazing work!!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review!




Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White