Hi there, Phillauthet!
This was a nice introspective poem with a contemplative tone. I thought the speaker had a personal and earnest voice, especially with how they almost seem to sympathise with the “pit” in the end, and also personifies sleep.
Subject, Themes, Narrative
I read the last stanza as an interesting take on nightmares. I honestly hadn’t expected the speaker to accept the fact that nightmares exist, and so it was a pleasant surprise to see an uncommon position.
But I don't at all blame the pit
for the scares intensified by it.
These lines stood out to me whenever I read the poem, because that’s where the ‘turn’, the unexpected reveal happens. It also just feels like such a nice and concise way to link back to the image of the “pit” that was used earlier on and to summarise the ‘point’ of the poem.
I also thought it was interesting how the “protective sphere” at the end could link back to the idea of “a world made just for Me”. I think it could be interpreted as a narrative about sleep being an escape from problems in the waking world, but only for a short period of time, with the story ultimately concluding that it is better to face one’s fears (and so even nightmares are a-okay).
Language and Imagery
I’m just going to zoom into two stanzas that I had stuff to say about regarding imagery:
It tries its best to calm me down,
erase from my face, crease and frown.
And give me a smile, be it
one of amused mirth, or legit.
In this one, I was impressed by how you were able to use words that both painted a specific image and made a natural, smooth-flowing rhyme. “erase . . . face” and “down . . . frown” for instance created this idea of sleep as a whimsical, simplistic solution. I was a bit confused by the use of the word “legit” at the end there, though. I wasn’t quite sure how that related to “mirth” or facial expressions, generally.
I glide in the flow of things,
the wonders my mind brings.
And dream up amazing landscapes
of great sizes and shapes.
Here, I loved the first line and how it led into the second one. The verb “glide” matches “flow” so well and conveys that sense of lightness that is associated with sleep at the beginning of the poem. The transition to “landscapes” I thought was also fitting, recalling maybe a body of water next to land, though I did find myself wondering what exactly these landscapes looked like. Green valleys or rocky mountainous regions? And what great sizes and shapes exactly?
As a side note, the first time sleep was described as a “pit” I was a bit confused as to what “pit” was referring to. The line just begins “The pit . . . “, so I would suggest maybe adding something that connects that to “sleep” or the “world’ mentioned in the end of stanza 2, if you ever do a revision of this piece.
Structure and Sound
Structurally, the regular AABB rhymes in this unmetered poem stood out to me. There were a few points where the choice of words to rhyme was unexpected and made me think ‘hey, I’ve never seen those rhymed before, I didn’t even know they rhymed!’ which is a fun feeling when reading rhymed poems. One of my favourites was:
The pit itself isn't very cold
It amplifies my thoughts manifold.
I wasn’t so sure about the quotations in the second-to-last stanza here:
territories 'I wish I hadn't gone there'.
I get what you might have been going for, and I just think the line felt a bit clunky to read aloud, especially since there’s no connecting word or something similar between ‘territories’ and the speaker’s direct speech. It also makes it seem as though the rhyme with ‘scares’ was a bit forced, if that makes sense.
Finally, I liked how you used enjambments in stanzas 2 and 6. In stanza 2, the enjambment creates this more fragmented feel to the speaker’s thoughts, which matches the motion of flight suggested by “wings” and also seems to work together with the idea of the speaker “breaking free” in a dream. Meanwhile, in stanza 6 the enjambment at “can” gave me the impression that the speaker was feeling regretful, resisting the idea at first that the good dreams couldn’t solve all their problems.
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
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