z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Ideas in the night

by Phillauthet


My best ideas tend to spark
in the dead of the night.
Only when I'm in the dark
do I finally see the light!

Only when I'm in that state
between waking and dreams, 
I get plans on my plate 
of most wonderful themes.

And that isn't the worst of it! 
The bigger problem lingers,
if I don't write it down in bits,
it'll slip through my fingers.

But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.

So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen,
in which I try my best to cram
the what, where and when.

(In fact, the idea of this poem itself came to me in the night. That exasperating habit of my brain!)


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 120
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun May 30, 2021 9:01 pm
MAWilliams wrote a review...



I really loved this! It's really unique because even though I don't personally know you, I felt like your personality naturally flowed through your writing and that I got to know you better in a sense (which I can't say the same for every writer I come across). It's also very relatable and funny because my best ideas come to me when I'm half asleep too.

Thank you for sharing!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks!



User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 3026
Reviews: 41

Donate
Tue May 25, 2021 9:53 pm
View Likes
MayCupcake wrote a review...



Hi Phillauthet!
Nice job with this poem! I loved the imagery that came from the line "it'll slip through my fingers." I, too, have tried keeping a dream journal for surprise ideas in the night, but as I begin to write it down it completely dissipates from my mind.

I only have a few suggestions. Firstly, "I get plans on my plate of most wonderful themes." I think the "most wonderful themes" is a nice phrase, so I wouldn't change that; however; "I get plans on my plate" doesn't really flow well to me. Maybe it could be something like this?: "I see plots which I create of most wonderful themes." I know you're trying to make every line rhyme, so I tried to find a word that makes sense and still rhymes with "state". Secondly, you don't have to rhyme all the time. I think you did very well with the word choices and keeping it in rhyme, but I feel like doing so restricted your writing and flow a little bit. Try every other line! :)

I'd say my favorite part of the poem was the last line "in which I try my best to cram the what, where and when." I really like the way the three w's roll off the tongue. Overall, great job and keep writing!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
66 Reviews

Points: 4785
Reviews: 66

Donate
Tue May 25, 2021 6:10 pm
View Likes
aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

POSITIVES:

First and foremost, this poem is extremely relatable in the best way. The poem is very cheeky and clever. Everything here makes sense, and everyone can resonate with this poem one way or another. I know I do.

Your poem is clear and concise due to your choice of diction. The simple vocabulary and wording allows the reader to fully understand and relate to the poem, which is very smart on your end. This keeps the theme and mood front and center. Nothing is clouded. Your choice to forgo excessive figurative language is smart as well because it adds to the mood of the poem. I like it!

You chose to keep a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme. Thank you for that. When I see poems that rhyme, you have to choose to keep it consistent unless for a more stylistic approach to create layers. Here the structure is needed and important. Rhyming is always something I struggle with, so kudos to you for trying it out and succeeding.

Your punctuation is overall good. I like that you chose to keep standard punctuation rules since they allowed the poem to flow better. Poets sometimes leave out standard grammatical rules for style and depth, but here the punctuation is necessary.

My favorite lines in particular were

But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.


CRITIQUES:

First of all, it's a major pet peeve of mine when poems have lines that are capitalized. Auto capitalization is the bane of all poets, and sometimes we forget to fix it. Lines that utilize enjambment or broken sentences don't all need to be capitalized. It's an easy fix.

Your effort to keep a consistent rhyme scheme is wonderful, however it also takes away from the rhythm a tad bit.

For example these stanzas:
So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen,
in which I try my best to cram
the what, where and when.


and

But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.


Here the transition between "I am" and "armed" is a bit awkward. It's easier to spot these issues when you read your poetry out loud. Although, it might be hard to fix this when you want to keep the rhyme scheme consistent, which I believe you should. So, if you choose to fix this, make sure to experiment a lot. Don't get frustrated if it doesn't come to you immediately.

And for the last line of the stanza I pointed out last, the flow was wonderful. However, the last line "purposes, none." is a bit more abrupt than the others.

I suggest maybe "purpose, there are none."

If you try it out, I think it might work. There is a chance it could get a bit wordy, but I think it's worth the risk. If not, like I stated beforehand, experiment!

Overall, great poem! Loved reading it! Keep on writing!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks!



User avatar
93 Reviews

Points: 2211
Reviews: 93

Donate
Tue May 25, 2021 3:24 pm
View Likes
starbean wrote a review...



Hi Phillauthet! I hope you are having a good morning/day/afternoon/night, wherever you are. hannah0528 here for a quick review. I hope it is helpful!

Haha, wow. This was funny and clever. I can completely relate, except most of the time the things that come to me are responsibilities and remembering the procrastinating that I did throughout the day. That happens to me all the time, though where I wake up and good ideas just come flooding through my head and I can't go to sleep.

"So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen,
in which I try my best to cram
the what, where and when."

That is funny, and good advice. I will have to try that!


I hope this review was helpful! Keep writing and have a great day. I hope to hear more from you!


Sincerely,


hannah0528




Phillauthet says...


Thank you!



User avatar
42 Reviews

Points: 12
Reviews: 42

Donate
Tue May 25, 2021 1:12 pm
View Likes
EsmerayaRose wrote a review...



Hi, BrokenHeartsAri here for a short review!!


So first I would love to say I thought it was cool that you thought and wrote a poem when your mind was an open door.


¨So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen¨

I loved that you use the word choice of ¨armed¨ it keeps the flow going


¨And that isn't the worst of it!
The bigger problem lingers,
if I don't write it down in bits,
it'll slip through my fingers.


But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.¨


Yes, when your mind is in an open state it tends to come and go like you really can't tell if you're dreaming or if you're awake. You never want to miss your chance to get the juicy ideas down. But if it's really something that's gonna keep you up at night then it would most likely come back to.





¨My best ideas tend to spark
in the dead of the night.
Only when I'm in the dark
do I finally see the light!

Only when I'm in that state
between waking and dreams,
I get plans on my plate
of most wonderful themes.¨


I loved this part because you state what going on then you move on and describe in each stanza how and what you do to prevent it.


This poem was a joy to read. I haven't gotten a chance to read anything else of your work but when I get a chance I definitely will!!


Keep up the great work~ BrokenHeartsAri




Phillauthet says...


Thanks a lot!




"Beneath this mask, there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask, there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
— V for Vendetta