Young Writers Society

I really loved this! It's really unique because even though I don't personally know you, I felt like your personality naturally flowed through your writing and that I got to know you better in a sense (which I can't say the same for every writer I come across). It's also very relatable and funny because my best ideas come to me when I'm half asleep too.

Thank you for sharing!

Hi Phillauthet!
Nice job with this poem! I loved the imagery that came from the line "it'll slip through my fingers." I, too, have tried keeping a dream journal for surprise ideas in the night, but as I begin to write it down it completely dissipates from my mind.

I only have a few suggestions. Firstly, "I get plans on my plate of most wonderful themes." I think the "most wonderful themes" is a nice phrase, so I wouldn't change that; however; "I get plans on my plate" doesn't really flow well to me. Maybe it could be something like this?: "I see plots which I create of most wonderful themes." I know you're trying to make every line rhyme, so I tried to find a word that makes sense and still rhymes with "state". Secondly, you don't have to rhyme all the time. I think you did very well with the word choices and keeping it in rhyme, but I feel like doing so restricted your writing and flow a little bit. Try every other line!

I'd say my favorite part of the poem was the last line "in which I try my best to cram the what, where and when." I really like the way the three w's roll off the tongue. Overall, great job and keep writing!

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!

POSITIVES:

First and foremost, this poem is extremely relatable in the best way. The poem is very cheeky and clever. Everything here makes sense, and everyone can resonate with this poem one way or another. I know I do.

Your poem is clear and concise due to your choice of diction. The simple vocabulary and wording allows the reader to fully understand and relate to the poem, which is very smart on your end. This keeps the theme and mood front and center. Nothing is clouded. Your choice to forgo excessive figurative language is smart as well because it adds to the mood of the poem. I like it!

You chose to keep a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme. Thank you for that. When I see poems that rhyme, you have to choose to keep it consistent unless for a more stylistic approach to create layers. Here the structure is needed and important. Rhyming is always something I struggle with, so kudos to you for trying it out and succeeding.

Your punctuation is overall good. I like that you chose to keep standard punctuation rules since they allowed the poem to flow better. Poets sometimes leave out standard grammatical rules for style and depth, but here the punctuation is necessary.

My favorite lines in particular were

But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.

So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen,
in which I try my best to cram
the what, where and when.

But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.

Hi Phillauthet! I hope you are having a good morning/day/afternoon/night, wherever you are. hannah0528 here for a quick review. I hope it is helpful!

Haha, wow. This was funny and clever. I can completely relate, except most of the time the things that come to me are responsibilities and remembering the procrastinating that I did throughout the day. That happens to me all the time, though where I wake up and good ideas just come flooding through my head and I can't go to sleep.

"So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen,
in which I try my best to cram
the what, where and when."

That is funny, and good advice. I will have to try that!


I hope this review was helpful! Keep writing and have a great day. I hope to hear more from you!


Sincerely,


hannah0528

Hi, BrokenHeartsAri here for a short review!!


So first I would love to say I thought it was cool that you thought and wrote a poem when your mind was an open door.


¨So when I go to bed, I am
armed with a book and pen¨

I loved that you use the word choice of ¨armed¨ it keeps the flow going


¨And that isn't the worst of it!
The bigger problem lingers,
if I don't write it down in bits,
it'll slip through my fingers.


But some ideas I can't preserve.
They dissolve in the sun.
As they come in dreams and serve
purposes, none.¨


Yes, when your mind is in an open state it tends to come and go like you really can't tell if you're dreaming or if you're awake. You never want to miss your chance to get the juicy ideas down. But if it's really something that's gonna keep you up at night then it would most likely come back to.





¨My best ideas tend to spark
in the dead of the night.
Only when I'm in the dark
do I finally see the light!

Only when I'm in that state
between waking and dreams,
I get plans on my plate
of most wonderful themes.¨


I loved this part because you state what going on then you move on and describe in each stanza how and what you do to prevent it.


This poem was a joy to read. I haven't gotten a chance to read anything else of your work but when I get a chance I definitely will!!


Keep up the great work~ BrokenHeartsAri