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The Greatest Risk of All

by Phillauthet


Risking getting trampled,
All the plants sprout
Risking pollution,
Water flows throughout.

Risking predators,
Deer go to graze
Risking discovery,
Rats spend their days.

Risking deadly fall,
Mountaineers ascend
Risking terminal war,
The soldiers defend.

So risk, indeed, we must
At times, big or small
For the risk of riskless living
Is the greatest risk of all.


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Tue Sep 07, 2021 1:48 am
silented1 says...



Very nice. I too don't want to live truly without risk but there is a limit.

Try not repeating the word risk so much, it really jarrs the flow of the poem and diminishes the ideas.

Your idea of a wilderness that is going into a war or something is not totally developed.




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for reviewing!



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Mon Sep 06, 2021 8:24 pm
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey Phil! Incoming review!

The title was really captivating for another captivating poem. I'll go stanza by stanza. Lets get on with the review!

Risking getting trampled,
All the plants sprout
Risking pollution,
Water flows throughout.
Before I talk about the poem itself, I want to talk about rhyming. I've found that you like to rhyme in your poems. It is not a bad thing, but I'd like to see you attempt to do something of a free verse poem to challenge yourself. You absolutely do not have to do it, but I'd like to see it ;).

Okay but now for the actual poem. I first interoperated the message as the value of life and the risks we go though to get basic needs. But reading further it is apparent that we need these risks to live a life. Your poems are pretty powerful in messages they send, when they have one. When the massage is voiced, I think that is a staple of your style. The themes aren't exactly mainstream so there is originality there and it's wonderful!

Risking predators,
Deer go to graze
Risking discovery,
Rats spend their days.
I like the line with deer grazing. They need to eat but are always at risk of being attacked. I guess the same could be true for circumstances today with the whole pandemic thing (please just wear your mask things are getting worse you know). But I have a grievance with the last line in the stanza. It's just not a complete thought so it doesn't translate well with the other lines that have complete thoughts. I don't have an idea as to how the line could be changed with keeping "rats." So if you were to edit it the whole "rats trying not to be discovered" might need to be re-done.

Risking deadly fall,
Mountaineers ascend
Risking terminal war,
The soldiers defend.
The first two lines just remind me of Tom Cruise climbing Utah's Dead Horse cliff. Free climbing mind you. It's something that reminds me of people climbing the tallest mountains to push the extend of human ability. I think it's admirable. And I don't really want to comment of the war aspect of this part so I'll move on.

So risk, indeed, we must
At times, big or small
For the risk of riskless living
Is the greatest risk of all.
I don't have much to say about this ending except for it's a great ending for the message of the poem. Sometimes we gotta risk something.

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! Keep on writing friend! Anyway byeeeee<3

Image




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review!
I have tried a free verse one, you can check it out here
But yeah, I try to rhyme my poems as much as possible. I think the best-rhymed one I've posted on YWS is this, but I'll leave that up to you.
Don't get me wrong, I love reading any poetry, rhymed or free verse. It's just that when I write a free verse one, it feels like I'm writing an essay "^_^

Thanks for that! I used to write poems on everything around me (fevicol, water bottles... anything!) before, till like when I was 11 or 12. It's only recently I started writing these quote-based poems ^_^

Yeah, maybe I need to redo the rats part.

Yes, your review was really helpful! Thank you!



FireEyes says...


It's always a pleasure to help!



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Sat May 08, 2021 7:03 pm
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aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review.
So let's get started!

POSITIVES:
I love the repetition of the word "risk" to add emphasis to what points you're trying to make here. Repetition is just what this poem and theme set needed especially. I love the theme you chose. The idea of what true risk is and what is the greatest of all risks. That's something very mature and very beautiful to capture through words.

I love the comparisons and examples of risk you chose.

Rhyming poems are something I don't see often nowadays. So great job giving that a try. THANK YOU for keeping it a consistent ABCB rhyme scale. The key to rhyme schemes is to stay consistent, unless it adds a necessary and meaningful depth to the poem. Here it needed the consistency. Also great use of punctuation.

My favorite line in particular is


For the risk of riskless living
Is the greatest risk of all.


CRITIQUES:

Most of the critiques I can give here are simple rhythmic and grammatical errors. Things that are an easy fix. Most of the edits I'm about to suggest are just suggestions, take them or leave them, it's up to you.

Rhythm wise, the poem does get a bit off beat. With a consistent rhyme scheme and tons of repetition, I think a more structured rhythm would make this poem better. A lot of the lines are awkwardly muddled, which is common for young poets, even myself.

And example is this line here:

Risking deadly fall,
Mountaineers ascend


and here

Risking getting trampled,


and here

For the risk of riskless living



Rhythm is something a lot of young poets struggle with, so don't fret. All you need is some practice, experience, maybe a formal class or two, and you'll soon learn the art of rhythm.

One tip I can give you is to read your poems aloud. It allows you to see the rhythm first hand. The main difference between prose and poetry is that rhythmic musical quality to poetry.

The last stanza is quite good with wrapping everything up. However the flow of the second line, needs something. I think grammatically it could use just a bit more fixing up. And add the period at the end, I think you missed that.

Like @HJYoung mentioned, the repetition is great with this poem, it does get a bit boring. Nothing a little figurative language, eloquent language, maybe a metaphor or image or two can't fix. However, keep in mind not to muddle or overcrowd the poem with too much. One of the hardest and most important skills of a poet is to know how much is enough, how much is too little, and when to take things out. Which comes with time and growth. Just have patience. And keep that rhythm and rhyme consistent if you choose to expand the poem.

And it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine when every line in a poem is capitalized. That's something that even I forget about. Auto cap is a pain for all poets. When two lines are part of the same sentence, they both don't need to be capitalized.

Overall, the idea and theme you brought out is spectacular. Great job on the rhyming and the consistency of it. You are very young, and many mistakes or quirks mature with time. You're quite talented for your age, so just give yourself room and time for growth as a writer. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

This was a good read! Keep on writing!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it.
I'll work on the mentioned points, hopefully I'll get better as I go on. I've been writing since I was 10, but my poems are always off-beat, somehow. And I've gotten into this habit of capitalizing the beginning of each line. I'll change that. But, anyway, practice makes a person perfect, so I'll just continue writing : )



aooborromeo says...


Don't give up! You're very humble and talented for your age.



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Sat May 08, 2021 3:23 pm
VintageGirl wrote a review...



Book_Dragon here with a quick review!

Oooh, I really like this poem. It sounds very nice, and I like the rhymes. It also kind of spoke to me... I needed the reminder to take risks sometimes! Anyway, I have to disagree with HJYoung. I don't think the repetition is boring at all. I think it connects and enhances the poem!

The only edit I can think of is getting rid of the comma in the line, "At times, big or small." Everything else is pretty good!

Keep writing,
-BD




Phillauthet says...


Thank you!



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Sat May 08, 2021 12:54 pm
HJYoung wrote a review...



HJYoung here with my first review in a very, very long time.

Before Reading: Hm, interesting name, and no reviews...

After Reading: nice

Now to the review

I think that your repetition is both a great boon and also a slightly boring part of your poem. Your rhymes are spectacular and I like how you compare risks in nature to risks with humans-war, fighting. I see no spelling errors nor grammatical errors. Maybe you should expand this poem. For now, I would give a 8/10, good start.




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the points, will definitely work on them : )

Glad you liked it!



HJYoung says...


Np!




What will live longer, you or your words? Something to think about the next time you abandon a project...
— Omni