z

Young Writers Society



Horses

by Phillauthet


Horses are one of those
with whom you can bond deep.
They never add to your woes.
That joy, for money, is cheap.

Feeding them, in itself
is somehow so satisfying.
You can compare a whole bookshelf
to that feeling, electrifying.

Grooming them is a joy.
Brushing the smooth coat,
and that hair... Oh boy! 
It's a wonder they don't gloat!

Like the wind, you can ride,
forgetting worry and problem,
you can cast all that aside,
and ride, the horse in tandem.

I can't really put those feelings
into words. So all I say:
My favourite of all things,
Is a Horse with a spirited neigh!

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
93 Reviews

Points: 2211
Reviews: 93

Donate
Thu May 13, 2021 6:54 pm
starbean wrote a review...



Hi Phillauthet! Hope you are having a good day/night/afternoon/evening/morning. @hannah0528 here with a quick, hopefully helpful review. I hope you like it!

Grows:
"Grooming them is a joy.
Brushing the smooth coat,
and that hair... Oh boy!
It's a wonder they don't gloat!"

The first three lines are perfect! Great job! I did think that the last line was unfitting, though. I think the first three had so many syllables that that line seemed like it would go in the next stanza, and because of that how it would have rhymed with the second line didn't work out. Maybe just try to shorten it a little?


Glows:
YES YES YES. In my 5 months on YWS I have never seen a poem about horses and finally, finally I stumbled on this one! I love it! I have ridden a horse once, at a lesson for a birthday present and it was an unforgettable experience, one that I thought couldn't be put into words. Until I read this. Great job!

I hope this review was helpful! Keep writing and have a great day! I hope to hear more from you!


Sincerely,


@hannah0528




Phillauthet says...


Thanks! I'll change that line, didn't catch that point till I read your review.



User avatar
54 Reviews

Points: 1642
Reviews: 54

Donate
Wed May 12, 2021 12:43 am
Quillfeather says...



This is an amazing poem!




Phillauthet says...


Thanks!



User avatar
54 Reviews

Points: 1642
Reviews: 54

Donate
Wed May 12, 2021 12:42 am
Quillfeather says...



This is an amazing poem!




Quillfeather says...


Sorry about the double



Phillauthet says...


No prob



User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 32

Donate
Mon May 10, 2021 8:48 pm



Amazing! I sit in awe every time someone writes a poem that's beautiful and that I can understand and relate to. I honestly can't find anything wrong with it. It's very beautiful.




Phillauthet says...


Thanks!



User avatar
17 Reviews

Points: 948
Reviews: 17

Donate
Mon May 10, 2021 4:45 pm
View Likes
slubbs24 says...



A very relatable poem!




Phillauthet says...


True...



User avatar
137 Reviews

Points: 21503
Reviews: 137

Donate
Mon May 10, 2021 4:14 pm
View Likes
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



YES YES YES
A poem about horses !! This made my day <3333

It's clear you've been on a horse before, it's also clear you've also fed, and groomed some horses by the very accurate representation you gave about them.
I could never quite put my finger on what I was feeling when I was around horses, petting them, grooming them, feeding them.. but this poem described how it feels to the perfection.

I've seen so many people say that horses ride "like the wind", and yeah, maybe, but there's more to horses than just their speed. And you've clearly understood that. Finally !! Horses are being described in their whole majesty and heart.

Imagery in this was very vivid and understandable, the best example of this being :

Feeding them, in itself
is somehow so satisfying.
You can compare a whole bookshelf
to that feeling, electrifying.


Okay I won't analyse everything, but I'll just quickly skim through all the different techniques you used in this bit,
First off, metaphor, comparing feeding them to having/seeing a huge bookshelf
Then, sibilance, "Feeding them in itSelf/ is Somehow So Satisfying."
Then repetition of sounds with "feelING" and "electrifyING"
and so many other things, but those are the basis

As you can see, that quote from your poem is extremely musical, but so is the rest of your poem. The (almost) regular rhyming scheme also helps with the natural flow and elegancy of the poem, which makes it fluent and easy to read.

One thing I felt was lacking was the description of the horses.
The different colours, the hairstyles, the heights, all that. But mostly the colours.
That could've led to some more metaphors, maybe you could've said how one horse flew past you "like a dove", so we'd have known the horse was white. Or that "a horses's hair gently flowed around like a sail in the breeze",

Have a great day/ afternoon/ night/ evening !!

(by the way, I LOVE your profile pic. Horsies are the best<333)




Phillauthet says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah, I see that I could've added the description... Maybe I'll add it and update!




The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians