I walk by the pool
trying to feel fresh breeze;
but I find only the pungent smell
of chlorinated water.
Why did I ever leave the woods?
I try to hear the crickets chirp,
but all I find is the nauseating noise
of traffic honking
on the road.
Why did I leave my home?
For development?
For comfort?
For opportunity?
I don't know.
I was told the cities were
easier to live in;
a life of comfort;
at your fingertips.
What was I thinking?
I simply... left
the simple pleasures of the village
for the posh, claustrophobic
life of the urban.
Would I ever
find that peace again?
In this fancy concrete jail,
probably not.
Okay so this is not my best and I'm not really good at writing free verse so I'd love your thoughts on how I can put it better :D
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You did a good job with the way you potrayed your idea of the city , posh, claustrophobic and a fancy concrete jail. I also liked the way you found a replacement for each, like when you said " I walk by the pool trying to feel fresh breeze but I find only pungent smell of chlorinated water" with the part of nauseating noise too. It was a good read you passed out your ideas vehemently. Have a nice day
Thank you!
Hey there, Philauthet, Rebel here for a short review!
This is a short and concise piece of poetry in free verse. I like how the urban imagery is created in the first few lines and is continued in the rest of the poem with constant contrast provided by the imagery of the woods and rural life. The longing of the narrator to return back to their home, the woods, and their disappointment in the urban lifestyle is clearly represented in the poem. I think the poem does leave a bit of ground for improvement however, you could have put a fresh imagery of the woods before the last four lines, that would have made the contrast between the two different imagery even sharper. All in all, it's a well-made poem, and you are still good at writing free verse, don't worry. :p
Thank you for the review!
Newer isn’t always better.That’s why people can be upset.They’ve traded everything they had for something new.In the end new doesn’t always equal nicer,better,or easier.It can actually be worse and change can be harmful for your well-being especially like in this poem.You can miss your whole home where your life took place.Leaving it all behind and for what? I hope that you have a lovely and free day/night.
Thanks for the review!