There exists a land,
With culture old as the seas,
Precious is her sand,
A home to all refugees.
Here, wisdom is not
Only for the wise
Even kids' tales are sought,
To guide, and advise.
Traditions are not only
For the orthodox throng
Practices followed nobly,
Thousands years long.
There are forts and temples
In the thousands and lakhs,
Each with own principles
And never any lacks.
Most people will doubt
The existence of such a land,
If they knew not about
Her greatness, firsthand.
This great mother,
With much proud fame
Like her, none other
For INDIA, is her name!
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Wow! I've never thought about India in this way, you paint a vivid picture in my imagination. India sounds so beautiful, now I want to go there!
Hey there Phil!
It's a nice poem you've got here, but I'd like to tentatively point out that its accuracy is rather questionable, and as such a lot of non-Indians won't be able to give all the feedback they could have normally, not unless they're really into current affairs of the world.
Perhaps an example of these noble practices could be provided. That would certainly build on what you're claiming.
This stanza feels more like an attack on anyone who tries to criticise what you've claimed earlier about the country; "You have doubts? That's because you've never been to India."
I recommend removing the stanza. It doesn't contribute anything as such.
Not the best way to end the poem. The grammar is a bit choppy, and the unnecessary capitalization doesn't add much to the feel of the poem.
My overall thoughts:
I like how you maintained your rhyme scheme throughout. Often people give up quality for a rhyme, using words that are out of context, but you don't seem to have done that, so good job.
Again, though, I'd like to point out that criticising this poem is a delicate task.
Have a good day!
~Lee
Thanks for the review! I was actually under a time and word limit when I wrote this, and I didn't have any idea of sharing it with non-Indians. I understand your points, and I'll try to build on them!
If you wrote this with limits, then it's actually very good.
Hi! I really loved to poem. It is simple and clear yet touches on the important points of the country and its features.
There are forts and temples
In the thousands and lakhs,
Each with own principles
And never any lacks.
I loved this para; however like illy7896 comments, I too feel that the last sentence, especially the word "lacks" could have been replaced with something more substantial. The lacks; although rhymes, doesn't flow well with the previous verses.
I also loved the last verse:
This great mother,
With much proud fame
Like her, none other
For INDIA, is her name!
Very aptly ended
All in all, a good piece. Keep it up!
Thanks!
Firstly, I love the fairly simple but very effective rhyming scheme that you have applied here and how each verse ties up together and each line corresponds with the other. I think that this is a very creative way to express your love for your country and to perhaps share your own personal view of Indian culture with others which is awesome!
I loved the verse:
because it gives such an explicit yet magical description of India's land and terrain and not only of the country's geographical nature but even her influence on others and how others people view her as indicated by the 'precious is her sand, a home to all refugees'. Maybe, when you said 'a home to all refugees', you can exclude the 'a' and just keep it as 'home to all refugees.' I reckon that this would diminish the amount of words used and make it more simple and sweet!
However, with the line:
I thought that though it was good and consistent, the last word 'lacks' could be replaced with something that gives greater imagery. Perhaps you could replace the whole last line itself to make it give more vivid context and link back to the idea of forts and temples; something spiritual or philosophical maybe?
Overall, I adored this poem and you have such a great vocabulary and I loved the way you wrote this. Keep writing!
Thank you : ) Will work on the points, glad you liked it!
No problem!