The scientist was looking through a large window into a large room. The window was huge and made of extremely thick fiberglass, while the room was a circular shape and made of titanium. Inside the room was a giant, complex looking machine, with very small intricate parts. The scientist was staring at it very intently, hoping against hope that it would work.
Around her were other scientists, in their white lab coats. There was a control panel next to the window, and other scientists were running scans and adjusting settings.
"Ma'am?" said a voice behind her.
"What?" she asked, turning around. The speaker was a nerdy-looking scientist with round glasses and a clipboard.
"We're all ready," he told her. She took a large breath and tried to calm her nerves. "But," continued the pimply nerd. "Are you sure this is going to work? It's never been tried before..."
"Then we'll have be the first. Give the order to start the X-portal."
"Yes ma'am," he said, and went to alert the other scientists. This better work, thought the scientist. It has to.
The X-portal had taken a decade to make, and the scientist had poured her heart and soul into the building of it, not to mention her finances. The lab she had built in secret, to hide it from the government, who would have taken it over for their own means. She had hired the brightest minds she could find, which wasn't easy. Her project had seemed just too ridiculous for most of them.
If the X-portal worked, it should create a portal to the Andromeda galaxy, which was about 2.5 million light years away. The scientist's plan was to send a camera into space there and take pictures of the galaxy, which would then be sent back through the portal.
Just imagine everything that could be discovered in another galaxy! thought the scientist. She felt both excitement and dread filling her, excitement for the possibility of scientific discovery, and dread for the fact that it might not work. She turned her head and looked back at the X-portal, which was shaped like a U.
Just then the X-portal began powering up, making a whirring noise. All the scientists stared at it in rapt attention. The buzzing from the flickering white lights began to get drowned out by the whirring of the high-tech X-portal. Sparks began flying from the inside of it, and every once in a while everybody got blinded by a burst of purple light that flew from it. The whirring got both louder and faster and roared in the scientist's ears.
"It's working! It's working!" yelled someone.
Wow. I did it. After all these years, I did it. I finally did it, Thought the scientist, who almost couldn't believe what was happening. Intense light began flickering from the X-portal even more, which would have blinded everyone if they hadn't put on their shades.
Suddenly, everything began to go wrong. The light turned from purple to white and the inside of the X-portal began turning red from the heat.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
"Code red!" someone somewhere screamed. The nerd guy ran back over to the scientist.
"We have to turn it off!" he yelled over the noise of the alarm and the roaring of the X-portal.
"No!" She answered.
"We have to!" he yelled back.
"No!" she cried again, desperately. "This is my life's work! We can't shut it off!" It has to work, it just has to! her head screamed.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!
"Wait, look!" said a different scientist, pointing at the X-portal. A glowing circle of energy had begun flickering in the X-portal's ring. The scientist stared at it, hoping it would work after all. The machine began to stabilize, and time seemed to slow down. Then the scientist saw the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. An actual portal had appeared in the X-portal's ring. There was all the colors of the rainbow, swirling around in the illuminated portal. Behind that, however, was what truly caught the scientist's attention.
Behind the transparent rainbow portal were glowing stars, on a pitch black background.
There was something else, too. The scientist couldn't make it out clearly, just that it was a large black shape. She then realized that it was stuck in the portal, and that it was... moving? It's alive! she realized.
"Turn it off!" she yelled.
Nobody listened. They were all too enraptured by the wondrous portal. She uncomfortably noted that the alarm was still going off.
Beep! Beep! Beep!
The X-portal's rim was now white hot, and it was starting to melt. Uh Oh. Thought the scientist. After she thought that, the portal shut down, and all the lights turned off. Somebody screamed.
"Don't worry... it's... it's just a power outage," said the scientist shakily.
Everybody who had flashlights turned them on, and a few of the other scientists left to get the power back on. The scientist turned on her own flashlight and opened the door to the portal room.
I hope that that organism, whatever it was, went on it's own side of the portal when the portal collapsed, she thought, remembering all the alien movies she had seen. she swept her flashlight back and forth, assessing the damage to the X-portal.
The lights turned back on, and the scientist gasped. Lying on the floor under a fallen piece of metal was a teenage boy. She ran over to him, along with some other scientists and looked at him. He had black hair, and he was wearing a white shirt and a pair of jeans. His features were flawless, unnaturally so.
He opened his eyes, and he groaned. Everybody gasped. His eyes were glowing blue, two balls of light in his eye sockets. What on Earth? Thought the scientist. The teenager looked up at the scientist with a piercing stare and frowned. He looked around at everybody, and opened his mouth awkwardly, as if he had never done it before.
"Where am I?" he demanded.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
I love sci/fi fantasy novels, so this is right down my alley! I love your descriptions of the rainbow lights inside the portal, the uncomfortable thought that the beeping is still happening, the changing colors of temperature for the portal, and the unnatural flawless features of the teenage boy whose mouth opens awkwardly, as if he has never done it before.
I'll echo other reviewers here for the critique of some repetition in words like 'large' and 'scientist'. Also, some descriptions are a little oddly general, when you almost want more details, such as, "giant, complex looking machine, with very small intricate parts". What does the machine look like? What are the small, intricate parts? Are there gears? Does it look prickly? What is the main shape? I want to be able to visualize it in awe in my head.
I love the plot so far - really grabbed my attention right away in just a few paragraphs. The chapter jumped right into action, with the addition of some satisfying character development of the lead scientist through her revealed thoughts. I can't wait to read what happens next!
*Cracks knuckles* Alright let's discuss
Fairly attractive opening line, cutting right to the fortified minerals of a Lab. However, you stated the window was large and then huge in the next sentence. I don't see a reason to do it twice. Same with reiterating nerd shortly after, albeit I'm glad you slowed to mention the pimples, that's a sign of good flair.
Nice you've made a flurry of commotion with the assistants adjusting dials and diagrams. Would've been cool if you had been a little more fancy and put forth a Fuel/circuit ignition dynamic, an intricate chart, or tactical aiming relay system. That's okay if you want to be brief for now, but it makes me wonder how curt you'll be on coming methods & physics later in the story too.
I would suggest referring to the Lead Scholar scientist as such, or as Director/Visionary/Progenitor to distinguish from all the other assistants. As for the alien organism, I'm surprised it replicates jeans and a white T shirt, unless it is very abreast of current earth fashion. And I'm surprised also, that it is taking the form of a teenage human -- I mean I assume it is a dragon from the Title -- so perhaps to appear more innocent than it may be? In that case I would still wonder how it shifted to blend in so swiftly. Or does it just naturally absorb the essence of the surrounding organisms to imitate?
At the end, you could say, the teen looked up at the crowd, as opposed to scientist which has been a massively hammered term this chapter.
I certainly have been left with suspense and suspicions, and I would have liked to hear a little more dialogue with Andromeda boy, but I guess let's hope that catches up later on. I definitely got some good imagery in my minds eye, so I'm anticipating to see where this goes and how!
I love the story so far! It got me hooked!!! I would recommend using a larger variety of words because the repetition can be boring. I'll give an example:
"She took a large breath and tried to calm her nerves." and the line "The scientist was looking through a large window into a large room."
You used the word large quite a lot to describe. I would replace this with other words that mean the same thing or first the first line, say:
"She took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves."
That makes a lot more sense in the context and doesn't repeat the same word. Do something similar for the other line.
Then, there are too many characters with no names or way to identify them. I got a bit confused because they were all just referred to as scientists and I couldn't keep track very well.
Other than those few things I really enjoy the storyline and the description so far. The ending makes me want to read more. I would give this around a 6.5/10 maybe a 7. Keep up the good work!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whatever it is in your part of the world),
Hi, I saw your latest chapter in the green room and thought I'd give the whole thing a read. So I have to review my way through all of these (Yaay! me)
First Impressions: Very Vague Prologue but considering it is a prologue that's probably okay. The thing is you have a lot of characters. No names and two or three characters in a vague prologue can work very well but with a lot of characters its hard to keep track both for the reader and the writer.
Anyway considering this has been reviewed several times I might repeat a few things but I'll try to point out new things.
So on with it,
The scientist was looking through a large window into a large room. The window was huge and made of extremely thick fiberglass, while the room was a circular shape and made of titanium. Inside the room was a giant, complex looking machine, with very small intricate parts. The scientist was staring at it very intently, hoping against hope that it would work.
That's a catchy opening.
Around her were other scientists, in their white lab coats. There was a control panel next to the window, and other (some of them instead of "other scientists" would sound better I think) scientists were running scans and adjusting settings.
"Then we'll have be the first. Give the order to start the X-portal."
I think the have doesn't belong there.
The X-portal had taken a decade to make, and the scientist had poured her heart and soul into the building of it, not to mention her finances. The lab she had built in secret, to hide it from the government, who would have taken it over for their own means. She had hired the brightest minds she could find, which wasn't easy. Her project had seemed just too ridiculous for most of them.
"How rich is the woman? Titanium is like super expensive and would require a lot of specialized equipment to build a room with. Not easy to do while hiding it from the outside world."
If the X-portal (I think after you mentioned X-portal that one time jut calling it a portal should work. It's not like there are other portals here. Just repeating X-portal gets awkward after a while) worked, it should create a portal to the Andromeda galaxy, which was about 2.5 million light years away.
She turned her head and looked back at the (U shaped) X-portal, (which was shaped like a U- putting it this way seems a little off)
Just then the X-portal began powering up, making a whirring noise. All the scientists stared at it in rapt attention. The buzzing from the flickering white lights began to get drowned out by the whirring of the high-tech (that seems like a bad adjective) X-portal. Sparks began flying from the inside of it, and every once in a while everybody got blinded by a burst of purple light that flew from it. The whirring got both louder and faster (and roared in the scientist's ears.) "This feels a bit repetitive."
Wow.(I somehow don't see a scientist saying wow but that might be just me) I did it. After all these years, I did it. I finally did it, Thought the scientist, who almost couldn't believe what was happening. Intense light began flickering from the X-portal even more, which would have blinded everyone if they hadn't put on their shades. (Maybe just say they put the shades on. The fact that the light was blinding would be implied and it would flow better)
Suddenly, everything began to go wrong.(Just describing things going wrong would be better here. You were maintaining the POV of the scientist so suddenly sounding like a narrator is odd)
"Code red!" someone somewhere(somewhere should probably be chopped) screamed. The nerd guy(this is fun when you used it the first couple of times but now its a little grating and disturbs the seriousness of what's going on) ran back over to the scientist.
"We have to turn it off!" he yelled over the noise (of the alarm and the roaring of the X-portal.)- We already know why there is noise. No need to mention it again.
"No!" she cried again, desperately. "This is my life's work! We can't shut it off!" It has to work, it just has to! her head screamed. (Maybe have her think why this can't be shut off)
"Wait, look!" said a different scientist, pointing at the X-portal. A glowing circle of energy had begun flickering in the X-portal's ring. The scientist stared at it, hoping it would work after all. The machine began to stabilize, and time seemed to slow down. Then the scientist saw the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. An actual portal had appeared in the X-portal's ring. There was all the colors of the rainbow, swirling around in the illuminated portal. Behind that, however, was what truly caught the scientist's attention.
That's a lovely description.
Nobody listened. They were all too enraptured by the wondrous portal. She uncomfortably(seems an odd word to use here) noted that the alarm was still going off.
"Don't worry... it's... it's just a power outage," said the scientist shakily. (Okay here's a problem with not mentioning names. We have no idea who this is)
I hope that that organism, whatever it was, went on it's own side of the portal when the portal collapsed, she thought, remembering all the alien movies she had seen.(seems like a scientist wouldn't be thinking of movies but I won't judge) she swept her flashlight back and forth, assessing the damage to the X-portal.
He opened his eyes, and he groaned. Everybody gasped. His eyes were glowing blue, two balls of light in his eye sockets. What on Earth? Thought the scientist. The teenager looked up at the scientist with a piercing stare and frowned. He looked around at everybody, and opened his mouth awkwardly, as if he had never done it before.
"Where am I?" he demanded.
And that's a pretty good ending. Makes you want to read me.
So that's it for this.
Overall thoughts: Nice description. Good descriptions of the emotion. Bit too vague. Intriguing enough to work as a good prologue.
So I'll just keep on reading then. Sorry if I was being a bit nitpicky or harsh. Just telling it like I see it. Take what you think will help and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Necromancer14
Here to read your story.
Love this opening. It's certainly got me hooked.
I'm anxious to read the next chapter and I've got 11 to read. Lucky me.
Just one critic for the chapter. If you read through you'll find that you repeat a lot of the same descriptive words. For instance in the first sentence you use large to describe the window and room. In instances like this try to find a different word that means the same thing. I find it makes a story more interesting.
Also I thought in this case you could actually remove the descriptive word large used to describe the window initially since you say straight after that sentence in the next one, that the window is huge.
Anyway, just a thought.
Please tag me for the following chapters. I'd like to follow the novel.
Keep writing,
Felistia.
Thanks for the review! And yes, these early chapters need a LOT of revising for various reasons, including lame/repetitive descriptions. And sure, I'll tag you when I write new chapters.
Overall this is a really good first chapter, it's interesting and grabs a reader's attention pretty well. I saw one of your newer chapters but I thought I'd go back to the beginning to read through. I try not to criticize too much, but there were a few things I'd comment on. In your first paragraph you mention a 'complex machine" but don't go into too much detail other than that, which you might want to consider. Also in the same paragraph you have his line:
"The scientist was staring at it very intently, hoping against hope that it would work."
I don't know if its just for me personally, but that didn't really make sense and is a bit cryptic. To me that would be implying she's hoping against the hope of it working, which contradicts her desire. Also, about your main character, the scientist. The narration seems to be centered on her but you don't expand a lot on her and leave her name out. If she's not an important character later in the story or we learn her name in a scene later thats fine, but if she is the main protagonist you definitely want to add her name in. Other than that, there are a few awkward sentences/phrases in general. I'm just using this as an example:
"She uncomfortably noted the alarm was still going off."
In this sentence it's hard to tell if she's just noting this to herself or the other scientists, because it could go either way. I think too if you added a bit more description to some aspects it could strengthen your story more as well, and of course like anything proofread it and such. Other than that it's pretty good and I enjoyed reading it.
Thanks for the review! It was quite helpful. Also, no, she is not the protagonist.
Hello! I have a few points to make. First of all, in the first paragraph, you mention that the scientist is looking through a window at a complex machine. The first impression that I got was that she was looking at a robot of some kind. But when you mentioned the X-Portal, I was a bit confused, because then I thought that there was both a robot and an X-Portal. At first I didn't get the connection, but eventually I did. I suggest when you are describing the X-Portal in the first paragraph, you could do something like, "Inside the room was a giant, complex looking machine, which looked like a door of some kind." Something to indicate that it's a door, (A door to another galaxy!) not a robot.
Also, I was extremely uncomfortable with the 'nerd guy.' Why not give him a name? Whenever you mention him, you refer to him as the 'nerd guy.' It would be much better if you gave him a name. I just felt really uncomfortable with it. Either that, or give him a different description. Something like, 'engineer' or something. The 'nerd guy' just seems really obvious that you just gave up on a name or a description. Same thing goes for when ever you write 'said someone.'
I really liked the part where you are describing the part where the portal turns on. It was very realistic, and the best part about it, (to my opinion) was that I was stressed. I felt that I was in the same kind of mood that the scientist was in. I could feel her excitement as the Portal was turning on, and I could feel her disappointment when the portal started melting.
The description of the guy that supposedly came from the Portal was good. You made me feel uncomfortable. That was good. Because everybody in the room was feeling uncomfortable, and the reader generally wants to be enveloped in the book. Of course, a hint of excitement doesn't hurt either.
Overall, I liked it. It definitely had a certain sense of momentum. Hopefully I'll read the next chapters soon!
Thanks for the review! As for the people's names, I didn't tell you on purpose. This is the prologue, and you're not supposed to know who they are yet.
Your Welcome!
Hey there!
So I know you asked me to review chapter eight, but I decided to start from the beginning and so here I am.
I'll start with any place I think you could do with improvement, then I'll more onto my general thoughts
So, whilst this is a nice opening, it kind of repeats itself? Like, the first sentence is essentially the same as the last, and you could very easily cut it down into two sentences. Something like "The scientist was staring intently at the giant, complex looking machine that sat inside the circular room. She was hoping against hope that it would work." That's just my suggestion though!
Since you used the phrase 'the other scientists" in the sentence before this, I'd suggest replacing it with 'they' in this sentences. It's just a little repetitive.
We KNOW it's a scientist, so I'd suggest replacing it with "a nerdy-looking man"
Although I know who you are referring to here, it could be confusing to others since you've used the noun scientist to describe everyone so far. I'd suggest just changing it to 'she'
She doesn't sound too excited her, despite her experiment having worked! Maybe add some exclamation marks or rephrase it a little, since I'd expect her to be ecstatic!
SHOW, don't TELL! Show me how everything began to go wrong, don't tell me!
It should be 'There were' not 'there was'
I'd say you don't need the 'she realized' part, as it takes away from the 'It's alive!" part which is shocking!
You've now established that whenever there is writing in italics that it's the main characters thoughts, so you don't need to say 'thought the scientist' as it's getting repetitive.
The beginning bit 'after she thought that' makes the rest of the sentence less sudden and shocking. It'd be more dramatic to just say 'Then the portal shut down..."
'Its' is the correct version here. You've used it's which is 'It is' which doesn't make sense
I assume it's just a typo, but you forgot to capitalise the 'S' in 'She'
[/quote]
You don't need the 'he demanded' bit. Once again, it takes away from this dramatic revelation! You don't always need to put 'she said' or whatever after speech. It can get boring.
Okay, so, I enjoyed this! It's not the kind of genre I'd ever read, but I'm glad I did. It was well paced, exciting and mysterious. I want to know what happens next! There were some nice descriptions, but I would have perhaps like some more. The portal thingy seems like the point of focus here but you haven't described it in a way to make me picture it in my head!
The dialogue was great, and it flowed pretty well.
However, I felt like you didn't give the main scientist ANY characterisation. I don't know if she's going to be a main character, but her thoughts added nothing because she just felt like another background character. Even if she's not going to be in it again, I think you should have given her a name as it got a little confusing trying to figure out who was who. That's my main criticism, as aside from that it was great.
I'm looking forward to the next part
Thanks for the review! I see you've caught me on some typos XD
Hey Necromancer14! Katja here to review your prologue. I decided to review your fourth chapter so I wanted to go through and read the whole story first! I hope you don't mind as I will review each chapter as I go. With that being said, please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review!
Overall Thoughts
This was definitely action-packed and straight to the point which is ideal for a prologue. We get a glimpse into the story and it doesn't shove too much information into the reader's face- just enough to draw us in.
So far we have a group of scientists opening an "X-Portal" to the Andromeda galaxy in order to take photographs and learn more from it. They start up the portal and it begins to overheat and melt but not before they see that it worked. Once they shut it off a boy is seen and clearly came from the other side of the portal.
I like the plot so far, it is very interesting and I can't wait to read more~
Suggestions
She reacts as though shutting off the portal will be permanent- If that is the case the previous line where the other scientist stating "we have to shut it off" should make it more clear by saying something more like "We have to shut it down" or something similar. If it isn't permanent the scientist's reaction could give more motive into why she wants to keep it running. For example, it could be that she has come so far and it is working- she doesn't want to stop it now even with the risks. Just my thoughts on that part~
Overall I think there should be names for the scientists as well and more formal thought process for the main scientist used here. I know it's only a prologue but it can really help to give us a better picture of the event that seems to shape the coming chapters~
That's all I have for suggestions~
Summary
I'm definitely hooked and I'll be reading the next chapter after this review! I like the plot the far and the prologue was well-done. I hope my review was helpful!
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Hey there! I just wanted to leave a couple of notes to think about for the rest of this story. ^^
1. I think giving a name to these scientists would help in giving the reader some semblance of characters to picture in the head. Whether this is a prologue or not, and if these characters will appear later in the story, I think giving names and giving more of a specific perspective to this situation would help add to the tone and how this story will seem like.
2. In addition, that leads to my next point. Pick a point-of-view - whether you change it later on to the newly arrived teenager boy, or to some of the other scientists, I'd like to get some perspective just from a single character for now. This helps the reader in multiple ways, including getting an idea as to who this one person is, and learning more about the setting/society of this scientific world in general.
3. There is a lot of repetition in this one chapter alone - even the same adjectives seem to be used quite often, and that "portal" or "x-portal" are repeated in nearly every sentence. I do understand that certain words will probably appear multiple times, but so often can distract the reader into wanting to read something will slightly more variety.
Perhaps some of these ideas will be addressed in your next chapter, which I will be reading right after this, but either way, I do like this idea. I think it's interesting enough, but it does seem a little similar to other sci-fi out-of-this-world with aliens and the like. I guess I'll have to see where this story goes!
I have some specific notes on your story and then some more general ones.
In the first line, you say the window was “huge” twice. I would suggest only saying it once, since the reader gets the idea after you say it the first time.
You describe the X-portal as a “giant, complex looking machine, with very small intricate parts”. This is a very vague description that could apply to a lot of things. Could you be more specific?
In the 4th paragraph you describe another scientist as
“nerdy looking”. Would a scientist really call another scientist “nerdy”? I feel like, as adults, they would be beyond such terms.
In the 8th paragraph you describe what the scientist had put into this experiment. To me, it seems unrealistic that this scientist would devote, everything not to mention hide from the government, just to take pictures of the Andromeda galaxy. I would understand if she was building a time machine or creating a machine to make man immortal, but to take pictures? What is so special about these pictures?
In the 10th paragraph, you say the scientist felt both “excitement and dread filling her”. This is a bit of a vague description of her feelings. Could you show, and describe what those feelings were like? Are there any metaphors or similes that could describe how she is feeling?
This is a minor detail, but why is an X-portal shaped like a U?
In the 11th paragraph, you describe “sparks flying from the inside of” the X-portal, and “a burst of purple light that flew from it”. It’s hard for me to imagine this, because I don’t really have a clear picture of what the X-portal looks like in my mind. Could you describe more what the X-portal looks like?
Where is the beeping the 15th paragraph coming from?
Why did the power go out in paragraph 29? I would think the scientists would have been extra careful to make sure they had enough power when they were designing the X-portal.
When you say the teenager’s eyes are glowing blue, do you mean glowing like a computer screen, as in unnaturally glowing? Or are they just very bright?
For my general notes, I would just like to know more about your story. More specifics, more detail, more about who is doing what and why and how. I don’t even the scientist’s name. There are so many points in the story where I feel really important details were just glossed over. Adding more detail would entice the reader even more and make your story seem more real. I do like, however, that there are so many questions and possibilities floating around your story. What will happen if the government finds out what the scientist is doing? Who is the teenager? Where did he come from? What will happen next? There’s always suspense in your story, especially at the end, when the teenager comes through. That’s something that was definitely unexpected. We expect a strange being or an alien to come through, not someone from Earth. Keep using that suspense factor and really leaving the reader biting their fingernails!
Hi Necromancer! Welcome to YWS.
I'm Querencia here to review your work today.
While your opening pulls readers very quickly into a science fiction setting, I would love to see more about the main scientist character. Of course, this is a prologue, and I don't even know if she'll be coming into play later, but just a few sentences and chunks of imagery could help to characterize this scientist. Then, when the boy from the other galaxy comes in and looks through her memories, readers might understand the scientist more or feel for her.
You don't even have to characterize her outside of this setting--saying "Everyone had called her crazy, but she still believed it was possible," or, "Accomplishing this could make her famous, but if she had her way, the world would never find out about this portal." Not that either of these are necessarily what you want to use, but can you see how each of those might reveal something about her character as well as the work she's doing? That would be cool to incorporate.
Finances... might be a serious issue. Even normal science is usually dependent on government funds! Maybe she inherited some money, or has a contact in the government who believes in the project and funnels money to her? It's understandably hard to do what she did, but I think it would be cool to see some specifics on how she accomplished the difficult things.
Is this just a one-shot deal? Otherwise, I'd imagine it's better to shut down the portal than to have it explode from malfunctions or something more destructive like that.
If she managed to get all of these scientists to join her team, I imagine that they're well aware of the potential consequences of this project. Plus, she's probably very aware as well! I doubt any of these very smart people would believe it's a power outage, nor would it do them much good.
I'm a little conflicted about this. "Going through all of her memories and knowledge" sort of skims over something very quickly that I think could be expanded upon. What was that like? Also, that's a very invasive gesture, whereas "Where am I?" is more innocent and confused. It puts this character at odds with himself--I'm not quite sure what to think about him, whether to be threatened or not. Even if he is to remain mysterious later, it might be good to heighten the tension surrounding him. He appears, but he doesn't seem too remarkable as of yet--he has glowing eyes and goes through minds, but neither of these things has been expanded on at present.
That's all I have for specifics! The one general thing that I want to mention to you is how familiar this looks. The "scientist building a secret portal" set-up and the dialogue are things I feel like I've seen before in movies and literature. Is there anything you can emphasize that makes this different and yours? The way you've written it is great, and I think it really pulls the reader in, but I just wanted you to know that I think it feels like it's been done before, in case you want to push it to be a little more unique.
Other than that, the action here is really good! You set up the expectation, the need to have this experiment go right, and then it goes... well, pear-shaped.
Have a fantastic day!
-Q
Thanks for the review! Actually, I'm changing the end a little bit. I realized that having the teenager being able to read minds would mess up my plot later on, so I removed that bit.