z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 21

by Necromancer14


Isaac was back in his bedroom. It had been about an hour since the interview had concluded, and he thought back over everything. After having been told to explain everything he knew about Shadowscale and Donnovan, Isaac had then proceeded to talk about how he had worked at I.S.U.E. and how Donnovan had been trying to capture or kill Shadowscale to get him out of the way for Donnovan’s plans to take over the world.

Oriella had then proceeded to further dig into the details of what Isaac was telling her while the bald man, who Isaac found was named Troy Colton, was writing down notes. As the interview concluded, Oriella had thanked Isaac for his time, telling him he had been a huge help. Isaac had given a polite response, and had stood up to leave.

Before he could exit however, Oriella had asked him if he was available for hire, saying her agency could use investigators like him. Isaac had replied that he would think about it, and so she had given him a piece of paper with a number that he could call and a job description.

Maybe I should take the job, thought Isaac, looking at the paper. It definitely pays well. A big increase over I.S.U.E. in fact.

As Isaac thought some more, he ended up making a decision.

***

Shadowscale lay prone on the ground, looking up with surprise at the glowing gold sword blocking Redslash’s claw. Redslash looked equally surprised.

“Global Defense agency? I’ve never heard of it,” growled Redslash, looking extremely perturbed. There was a hint of fear in his voice as well.

“We are a top secret agency that handles the defense of this planet against any outside threat. I’d be very worried if you did know about us, because that would mean we were no longer top secret,” replied Oriella. “In any case, I demand your immediate surrender, Mr. Gaver.”

Redslash had removed his claw, and Oriella had her sword at her side. Redslash looked at her.

“And why should I surrender to you?” he said.

Shadowscale could sense that Redslash was preparing to attack. He forced himself to move his head a bit so he could see Redslash and Oriella better. Oriella seemed completely at ease, whereas Redslash was tense and ready for battle. That woman is either clueless that Redslash is about to attack, or very overconfident. Who is she? Thought Shadowscale. She definitely isn’t a human, I can tell that much based on what I’m sensing. What species is she then?

Just then, Redslash launched himself at Oriella. However, he barely had the chance to move an inch when Oriella sprung into action. As Redslash and Oriella moved towards each other, Shadowscale realized that Oriella’s speed was only slightly faster than the red dragon’s was.

However, the moment they both struck their first blows, the battle was over, only lasting about half a second. Redslash had gone for an uppercut, and Oriella had jumped up and gone for an overhead swing. Redslash’s attack was unsuccessful as Oriella grabbed his claw with her free hand, wrapping her fingers around one of his nails. Oriella’s attack however was very effective, the flat of her blade slamming down on Redslash’s head. The blow was so powerful that Shadowscale could feel the shockwaves released as the blade cracked down on Redslash's skull. Redslash was knocked out instantly.

“Donny!” cried a voice. Shadowscale recognized the voice to be Lillian’s. Shadowscale heard a thunderclap, most likely from Lillian transforming.

“Don’t worry, he’s still alive. I only knocked him out,” said Oriella. “I don’t want to kill him; I’m planning on making him work for me. He already has this nice organization built in the U.S. with support from the government. It would be a shame to take it all down. Controlling Mr. Gaver from behind the scenes is an excellent scenario.”

“And how will you do that? How will you keep him from betraying you?” asked Lillian. Oriella smiled.

“That’s where you and your daughter come in. We will take custody of you and little Felicity, and if Mr. Gaver doesn’t comply with our commands, he will never see his daughter or wife again,” said Oriella. “It’s rather unfortunate that we will have to stoop to such a level, but I’m afraid it can’t be helped.”

“I won’t let you!” roared Lillian, hurtling towards Oriella. Oriella jumped up and kicked Lillian, sending her flying back towards Felicity.

“You’ll be able to visit him quite frequently; every day, in fact. Your daughter will finally be able to grow up with a father. Isn’t that what you wanted? We won’t hurt you or Felicity, you’ll live in a comfortable residence and Felicity will go to school like normal,” explained Oriella.

“And why should I trust you?” asked Lillian.

“Well why shouldn’t you? I am fully capable of overpowering you, why would I bother lying when I could merely get what I want with force? I’m just trying to make things easier on your end,” said Oriella.

At that moment, Shadowscale heard the door to the bunker open.

“These two nerds are the only victims of Donnovan’s project that I found,” came a voice that Shadowscale didn’t recognize. “One has already had her memory fixed by Shadowscale, but the other idiot is still brainwashed.”

“Excellent work, X,” said Oriella. “Shadowscale is right up here, but unfortunately he is badly injured. Lillian, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Lillian was staring in disgust at the newcomers, which Shadowscale guessed was Alice, Randy, and this “X” person.

“What in the world was my husband doing?” she asked.

“Mommy, are those monsters?” asked Felicity.

“No, dear, those are people,” replied Lillian. “Daddy was doing some not nice things to them.”

“Oh,” said Felicity.

Lillian walked up to Randy.

“He is the one with an altered memory, correct?” she asked X.

“Yes, do your thing babe,” replied X with a wink.

Lillian glared at X as she put her claw up to Randy’s forehead. Randy staggered back.

“What in the-” Randy began. He then sat down, with a very confused expression. “Wait, Donnovan is a- and Unknown number one… wait, huh?”

“Excellent. And ah, I see the transportation is arriving,” said Oriella. Shadowscale could hear the sound of vehicles pulling up. “Shadowscale and Lillian, if you wouldn’t mind, please transform into humans. It will make transportation much easier.”

Shadowscale looked over and saw several black vans, with people getting out of them. He suddenly realized that he recognized some of them.

Among the people exiting the vans were Dr. Remington and the scientists.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1485 Reviews


Points: 154066
Reviews: 1485

Donate
Sun Mar 26, 2023 9:17 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok two more chapters left to go!

I think the amount of jumping around between characters is a little confusing to me, and I'm finding it's taking away from the tension you build. The end of each chapter seems to be an interesting cliffhanger but because we then switch character in the next chapter that interest and tension is kind of lost, which seems a shame to me! That happens again with Isaac at the beginning of this chapter and then we move on from it very quickly. I think I'd suggest having a think through of that when you come to edit to see if you can't switch some scenes around.

I think the pacing of this chapter as a whole was much better, and more suited to the narrative. I'm able to keep up with everything that's happening and it makes the whole experience more enjoyable for me as the reader too.

The way the story is going seems to fit well too, like you have a clear direction in which you want to wrap things up. I'm struggling to see exactly who the good vs bad guys are here because everyone seems to have some questionable morals! I like that idea in a sense, because it's reflective of a more realistic set of characters but the general vibe of this story seems to be much more about good vs evil, so some of the motivations might require some extra thought.

I'm going to switch to mobile because it's late, but definitely going to try and read the last chapter of this this evening!

Icy




User avatar
425 Reviews


Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2023 9:15 pm
Nate wrote a review...



What decision did Issac make!? I don't really mean that as a matter of suspense. I just don't think leaving that on an ambiguous note really works here. Even if we learn of his decision in the next chapter, there's a point where leaving stuff unfinished becomes less about building suspense and more cause for frustration. I'd recommend adding either, "He crumpled the piece of paper," if he rejects the other, or "He made the call" if he accepts the offer. You don't need to say directly one way or the other, but giving the reader some indication of the decision would be helpful.

In the section involving Oriella, I'm finding myself wondering who the good guys really are. Good guys don't hold people hostage, even if the hostage situation is relatively loose. They also don't decide to just take over an organization that was built for a villainous purpose. As a reader, I'm thinking that either the Global Defense Agency are not what they seem, or they're just really hopelessly naive / incompetent. Redslash is a villain who had to be exiled from an entire galaxy! That is not someone you can control.

Beyond that though, I'm still having trouble with Redslash's wife and daughter. I understand now why you introduced them in the last chapter, but this seems to be a loving relationship, which softens Redslash to a very great extent. Would it be possible to simply get rid of the daughter, but keep the wife? I think it would make more sense if the wife was an accomplice.

Overall though, I like how you're wrapping things up. All story elements are being brought together, and a new path forward is being forged. I also do really like how the situation is resolving itself into cooperation. It might be forced cooperation, but no one here is truly defeated. Instead, everyone seems to be deciding that they can work together (and use one another for their own ends). That sets things up nicely for a second book.





If you are tired remember it's a sign that you haven't expired
— fatherfig