Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is when you read this),
HALFWAY!!! *goes offscreen and does happy dance*,
First Impression: Best Chapter so far in my opinion. Has more personality and description. I'm liking this plot so far.
Okay getting right to it,
Alice didn’t know what to do. Should (Could) she escape? That didn’t seem very plausible, as she wasn’t healed yet. She sat up, deciding that she would at least give herself a tour, even if it was just out of curiosity.
“What are you doing? You should be resting,” she said.
“Who are you?” asked Alice.
“You can call me Jane, but you need to be resting,” said Jane.
“Why? It’s just a few burns,” replied Alice.
“Oh, fine, but there’s not much to do here,” Jane told her.
That was a quick 180. Maybe have them argue about that a tad bit more.
“Woah, Shadowscale, you need to get to the emergency room!” exclaimed Jane.
“I know, that’s where I’m going,” the alien replied. “I.S.U.E. and their annoying machine guns, not to mention landmines.
“Wait… I.S.U.E. was there?” asked Jane.
“Mm-hm. They were “protecting” the place from “Unknown number one,” as they think that I’m the one who’s been destroying buildings and murdering people, as you know. Then, when I got past them, the building blew up right when I entered. Which, I must say, wasn’t very fun, I can assure you that,” explained the dragon. He glanced at Alice. “Is she healed? If she is, we should probably wipe her memory of me and this place and put her back on that sidewalk.”
This is some of the best dialogue you've had so far.
“Uh, my criminal record is clean?” said Alice hopefully. Suddenly, she felt a throbbing headache in her skull, and the alien’s eyes glowed twice as bright as normal. “Ahhg!” went Alice, clutching her head in her hands. Then, as fast as it had come, the headache dissipated and she felt normal again. However, the dragon didn’t look normal, he looked completely exhausted.
“She’s not a spy,” he said.
“Huh? But just a second ago you said…” then Alice remembered her headache and the extra-glowy eyes, which made her recall a strange feeling of someone being in her head. “Wait, did you just read my mind?” she yelled.
That was quick. Either he did a surface level skim through or he can process things much faster than humans. Interesting set of powers. Good to see that those are being nicely developed.
“I’ll have to check with Dr. Remington,” answered Jane, and she briskly walked off. After Jane left, Alice just sort of stood around, not knowing what to do. She was still standing there an hour later.
Really? Fifteen year old teenager actually listens and stands in one place for one hour. That's unlikely.
Just then, something not boring at all happened. The sound of an incredibly loud explosion rocked Alice’s eardrums, and she fell to the floor as the whole building shook. Red lights began flashing in syncopation with an alarm, and Alice grabbed her head to keep it from banging against the vibrating metal. She screamed in pain as she landed on her burns, her clothing feeling like sandpaper.
Now this paragraph is a perfect example of what would have made that previous chapter much much better. Lovely description.
Horrifyingly, the wall caved outward as Alice heard another explosion, and she glanced out through the gaping hole. On the other side of the wall was a huge room, larger than a gymnasium, and the corridor that Alice was in was along the ceiling of the room. Alice momentarily forgot her pain as she stared at the strange sight.
More good description.
The whole thing was pretty much covered in wires and other such stuff, (that seems like a gloss over again. Don't just say "other stuff") but on the inside of the U, there was a slit that went all the way around, from tip to tip.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got the girl. You humans just make sure everybody else makes it out. I’ll be back in a few minutes,” said the shirt-grabber. Thankfully, it was only the alien. Wait, since when am I thankful to see the alien? wondered Alice. (Now we get some good Alice character development) Before she could ponder it any more, she was scooped up onto the alien’s back, and he ran at an incredible speed, practically flying.
“Hmm. I don’t like failed experiments. Especially when it causes the lab to blow up,” Alice heard Dr. Remington say as she was carried out by the dragon. (Wait she only talked to her once. She can already recognize her voice?)
“What? Armed helicopters? How did I not notice?”(Exclamation marks would help you out here) replied the scientist, panic rising in her voice. The whirring sound of helicopter began to be heard over the sound of the ocean, and when they came even closer, a speaker blared from one of them;
“We’ve finally found you Unknown number one. It’s over. You can either submit peacefully, or you’ll be shot on the spot, which is no less than you deserve anyway.”
And another amazing ending. You've got some awesome endings. Always making the reader want to read more.
As usual sorry if it was harsh but I think I didn't have much to say this chapter. It was the best so far. Take what you think will help and forget the rest.
So halfway done. I'm going to take a bit of a break and then tackle the other half before the day is out. Hopefully.
Stay Safe 
Harry
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