The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 12

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whatever it is when you get around to reading this),

And one more (the end is in sight. Me happy)

First Impression : Uh oh! Things getting serious up in this joint. I really like this chapter from Isaac's perspective. Pays off some nice hints laid out earlier. That makes the story seem well thought out. And the writing is much better than what it was in the first chapter.

He hopped into the elevator and headed to floor five to cut off the prisoner. Floor five? That’s where they’re keeping Unknown number one! (Neat exposition method) Adrenaline pumped through him as he stood in the elevator.

It was Alice, but… not Alice. Isaac was pretty sure she wasn’t supposed to have green veins running all over her body and a Frankenstein-ish appearance. Not only that, but she seemed to have both ninja skills and super strength, as she was beating up a bunch of armed I.S.U.E. agents. Isaac winced at the sound of gunshots as people attempted to shoot her down. Isaac saw that the wall already had a lot of holes in them, though Alice didn’t seem to be hit.

So Alice seems to be playing bigger part from now on or at least that's what I think. Also if they are firing machine guns with reckless abandon in the walls wouldn't they have come up with something that does not get a lot of holes each time a bullet is fired.

Donnovan glanced at him sharply, and for a moment Isaac had the unsettling feeling that his boss was looking into his soul and knew his doubts. “Well, head inspector, she seems to have been corrupted by Unknown number one,” Donnovan stated.

Isaac didn’t reply, mostly because Alice had fought her way all the way down the corridor. He stared at her, terrified, as she glared at Donnovan. “Get out of my way,” she ordered in a low voice.

Donnovan just frowned at her. Neither of them said anything, and both of their expressions changed as if they were having a tense conversation. Isaac didn’t know what was going on. Finally, Alice’s face contorted in anger, and she leapt at Donnovan. Isaac jumped out of the way and watched in scared amazement as he witnessed them fight.

Alice and Donnovan fought with such speed and ferocity that Isaac couldn’t even follow what was happening. It lasted for only ten seconds though, ending with Alice being hit in the face so hard she was launched into the air and twirled 180 degrees before falling onto the floor. She had a big gash on her face. Donnovan walked towards her and Isaac suddenly felt an incredible feeling of dread. Donnovan’s hands were glowing a familiar blue.

Another excellent fight scene

Isaac thought back to a bunch of instances before, starting with when those houses, including Alice's, had been burnt down in that neighborhood in chicago. He remembered the old lady’s testimony; “But afterwards that was weird. There was this strange lightning bolt…” Of course. Isaac almost smacked himself. Unknown number one arrived after the explosion! Why would he come back to the crime scene after committing a crime? I’m so stupid! thought Isaac.

Then there was the incident with the warehouse. How could Unknown number one have blown it up the moment he entered? And why would he purposely hurt himself and not leave before activating the bomb? It didn’t make sense; at least, it didn’t make sense that Unknown number one had been the one to blow up the building.

Isaac thought back to the file on the computer that said You don’t know what you’re getting into. Leave now while you still can. He turned back to Donnovan. His world was being turned upside down. Was Donnovan the culprit? Isaac hoped that Donnovan wasn’t, but then what was the boss hiding? Plus, there was Alice. She had insisted that Unknown number one had been innocent, and now she was all ugly-looking and powerful.

Like I said above great segment to just tie the whole story together here. Love it.

Now for the ultimate question; now that Isaac had deducted all this, what was he going to do? He looked at Donnovan who was reaching down to touch Alice on the forehead with his glowing hands, and Isaac did something that was extremely stupid. He knew that it was stupid, but he did it anyway. (I think you don't need to that last line. The previous line is enough)

He pointed his assault rifle at his boss, and he pulled the trigger right before Donnovan could touch Alice’s forehead. The sound of repeated gunfire popped his eardrums as Donnovan staggered with bullets in his back and shoulder. Before the boss of I.S.U.E. could turn to attack him, Isaac opened the door to the room with Unknown number one and ran in.

Okay the boss man seems to be a seriously powerful character. I hope we get some backstory on him as time goes on.

Unknown number one then disentangled itself from the unlocked cuffs, roared, and ripped off all the tubes attached to itself. Just then, Donnovan came in with a gleeful smile, followed by Alice. “Nice, Isaac. Few people discover that I am not all that I seem so soon. Unfortunately for you, that means I’ll have to kill you like I did to the last head inspector and all the other traitors.”

Isaac looked up at the obsidian-colored dragon that sat beside him, its head touching the ceiling. Isaac was too terrified by this whole situation to say anything. He ran back behind Unknown number one and for once in his life hoped that the dragon was powerful enough to defeat Donnovan. Isaac recalled earlier that Donnovan had taken out Unknown number one. Hopefully that wouldn’t happen this time.

Just then, Donnovan’s eyes glowed blue, just like Unknown number one’s human form. Donnovan gave an evil smile.

Aaand the usual amazing ending. I'm starting to really like this story. Can't wait for when you finish this and get the second draft started. This has potential to be amazing.

So that's it for this chapter. Three more to go.

As always not trying to be harsh. Take what you think is useful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hello again! This was a quick update, so I'm excited to read more. ^^

I'm hoping that we shall see the outcome of the previous chapter, such as Alice being mutated into an alien-ish-dragon thing? Ooh? Let's go then.

Back to Isaac's view, I see! I am glad he has some form of suspicions towards Donnovan, as just his boss's simple actions seemed a bit, odd, and I kind of forgot that he was the big chief in I.S.U.E., so that last scene of chapter eleven makes a little more sense now. I think it would be hard to not be a little curious about anyone working in such an industry, as being one of the few to know about extra-terrestrials and what that could mean for the regular people living on Earth.

And so, Isaac is finally revealed to what the "truth" is --> that Donnovan actually caused the whole disaster that Shadowscale had been accused of. Things make a lot more sense now because I kept thinking that the timing had been wrong, in terms of "Unknown number one" arriving and the description of Alice's home/neighborhood getting destroyed. I'm glad to know at least a little more of the actual storyline now.

Alice! My gal! Who now looks totally different, is acting totally different, and carries herself in a lot different matter than before. Although I imagine some of this can be attributed to her being experimented on and somehow losing her memories, I hope there's an explanation for what could be influencing her now - whether Shadowscale had told her how to fight, or the things came "naturally" that could mean she has synthetic memories, or instructions from an outside source, as she did not know how to fight like this when she was a regular human.

Isaac was a little dumb in this, as he kind of just watches the fighting going on, between first Alice and the guards, and then Alice and Donnovan. I am glad he has now realized that his thinking might have been a bit eschewed, and that Shadowscale might actually be his best bet in getting out of here, as he is neither an alien posing as a human, or somehow who magically got powerful. Good luck to poor human Isaac.

I also can't imagine that Shadowscale has much of a clue as to what to say here either -- the girl who had initially accused him of killing her parents is now changed with her memories gone, the boy who arrested him in the first place thinking he was a bad guy now realizes some of the truth, and the actual bad guy seems way too overpowered and could probably kill them all.

What a time to be reading this book! I like the anticipation/build-up between the fights and Isaac being a little overwhelmed by all of his swirling thoughts and what is going on around him. Nicely done as ever!

Hi ! Im here for a review! Just want to point out a few things ya,
So basically,your story was nice,but you can improve on a few things, like

On every speech,you should leave a line!


Like so.

“‘Leave now while I still can’?”

wondered Isaac aloud. What was this? He stared at the message, thinking back to what Donnovan had said earlier;

“Our last head inspector had been disposed of- I mean fired.” Isaac hadn’t noticed it at the time,

You should leave a line because it is hard to differenciate anfd this makes it easier fo rreaders to read.

but as he stared at the message some unpleasant thoughts began drifting through his head, and his sense of unease heightened. He was an inspector, and a good one too. Now that he had a case, the puzzle pieces began forming in his head, and he didn’t like what he was seeing. Something’s fishy about Donnovan, he pondered. Something he doesn’t want found out.

and you should write,Something he does not want to FIND out,not found out.

Isaac had always looked up to the boss of I.S.U.E. as sort of his personal hero. If he had been scared of the man before, it was because he didn’t want to make a fool of himself. Now, however, a cold chill darted up his spine. The fact that he was by himself and the lights were rather dim also didn’t help.

“Attention, all personnel! Prisoner no. 29 has escaped! I repeat, prisoner no. 29 has escaped!”

The sound came from his computer, along with a picture of an exclamation mark inside a triangle. Isaac jumped and almost fell off his seat. He barreled out the door, his previous thoughts about Donnovan put on hold.

Though Isaac didn’t know who prisoner no. 29 was, he did know where to go, as he had a tracking grid on his wrist that had a beeping red dot where the escapee was. First, however, he charged into the emergency weapon room on his level and grabbed a gun. After that, he ran towards the red dot.

He hopped into the elevator and headed to floor five to cut off the prisoner. Floor five? That’s where they’re keeping Unknown number one! Adrenaline pumped through him as he stood in the elevator. Never before had it seemed to be going so slow. More people piled in, but Isaac didn’t mind so much right now as he had other things to worry about.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, it came to a stop at floor five and Isaac charged out, staring in horror down the hallway at prisoner no. 29.

It was Alice, but… not Alice. Isaac was pretty sure she wasn’t supposed to have green veins running all over her body and a Frankenstein-ish appearance. Not only that, but she seemed to have both ninja skills and super strength, as she was beating up a bunch of armed I.S.U.E. agents. Isaac winced at the sound of gunshots as people attempted to shoot her down. Isaac saw that the wall already had a lot of holes in them, though Alice didn’t seem to be hit.

“You’re probably wondering what happened to her.”

Isaac flinched involuntarily as Donnovan spoke. Where did he come from? And why am I so jumpy right now anyway? he thought grumpily.

“Uh… yeah, I guess,”he said nervously.

Donnovan glanced at him sharply, and for a moment Isaac had the unsettling feeling that his boss was looking into his soul and knew his doubts. “Well, head inspector, she seems to have been corrupted by Unknown number one,” Donnovan stated.

Isaac didn’t reply, mostly because Alice had fought her way all the way down the corridor. He stared at her, terrified, as she glared at Donnovan. “Get out of my way,” she ordered in a low voice.

Donnovan just frowned at her. Neither of them said anything, and both of their expressions changed as if they were having a tense conversation. Isaac didn’t know what was going on. Finally, Alice’s face contorted in anger, and she leapt at Donnovan. Isaac jumped out of the way and watched in scared amazement as he witnessed them fight.

Alice and Donnovan fought with such speed and ferocity that Isaac couldn’t even follow what was happening. It lasted for only ten seconds though, ending with Alice being hit in the face so hard she was launched into the air and twirled 180 degrees before falling onto the floor. She had a big gash on her face. Donnovan walked towards her and Isaac suddenly felt an incredible feeling of dread. Donnovan’s hands were glowing a familiar blue.

Isaac thought back to a bunch of instances before, starting with when those houses, including Alice's, had been burnt down in that neighborhood in chicago. He remembered the old lady’s testimony; “But afterwards that was weird. There was this strange lightning bolt…” Of course. Isaac almost smacked himself. Unknown number one arrived after the explosion! Why would he come back to the crime scene after committing a crime? I’m so stupid! thought Isaac.

Then there was the incident with the warehouse. How could Unknown number one have blown it up the moment he entered? And why would he purposely hurt himself and not leave before activating the bomb? It didn’t make sense; at least, it didn’t make sense that Unknown number one had been the one to blow up the building.

Isaac thought back to the file on the computer that said You don’t know what you’re getting into. Leave now while you still can. He turned back to Donnovan. His world was being turned upside down. Was Donnovan the culprit? Isaac hoped that Donnovan wasn’t, but then what was the boss hiding? Plus, there was Alice. She had insisted that Unknown number one had been innocent, and now she was all ugly-looking and powerful.

Isaac didn’t know what had happened to make her like that, but something told him it was Donnovan’s fault, not Unknown number one’s. After all, Unknown number one was incapacitated! Even his psychic abilities were blocked. How could he have transformed Alice from that distance, and if he could, he would be so powerful that he could have escaped already, and easily too.

Now for the ultimate question; now that Isaac had deducted all this, what was he going to do? He looked at Donnovan who was reaching down to touch Alice on the forehead with his glowing hands, and Isaac did something that was extremely stupid. He knew that it was stupid, but he did it anyway.

He pointed his assault rifle at his boss, and he pulled the trigger right before Donnovan could touch Alice’s forehead. The sound of repeated gunfire popped his eardrums as Donnovan staggered with bullets in his back and shoulder. Before the boss of I.S.U.E. could turn to attack him, Isaac opened the door to the room with Unknown number one and ran in.

The extraterrestrial dragon lay there, chained down. Isaac knew that he didn’t have much time to free the dragon, as again his instincts told him that Donnovan wouldn’t be down for long. He grabbed his ever-so-useful key and unlocked the locks to Unknown number one’s cuffs. The dragon opened its eyes and stared into Isaac’s. Isaac felt both like he was staring into the dragon’s soul, and that the dragon was staring into his soul. It was quite mesmerizing and strangely peaceful.

Unknown number one then disentangled itself from the unlocked cuffs, roared, and ripped off all the tubes attached to itself. Just then, Donnovan came in with a gleeful smile, followed by Alice. “Nice, Isaac. Few people discover that I am not all that I seem so soon. Unfortunately for you, that means I’ll have to kill you like I did to the last head inspector and all the other traitors.”

Isaac looked up at the obsidian-colored dragon that sat beside him, its head touching the ceiling. Isaac was too terrified by this whole situation to say anything. He ran back behind Unknown number one and for once in his life hoped that the dragon was powerful enough to defeat Donnovan. Isaac recalled earlier that Donnovan had taken out Unknown number one. Hopefully that wouldn’t happen this time.

Just then, Donnovan’s eyes glowed blue, just like Unknown number one’s human form. Donnovan gave an evil smile.



Just remember
to leave a line to make it easier to rad for speech bubbles and your past and present tense! Overall i found it great and nice to read!:] Keep it up!