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Young Writers Society



The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 5

by Necromancer14


“Y-you don’t look like a dragon,” stammered Alice, still terrified.

“Well, that’s because I have a natural ability to adjust to my surroundings. I would be quite conspicuous as a dragon clomping around noisily on this planet of miniscule inhabitants,” was the blue-eyed alien’s reply.

“Oh yeah? What about your eyes? Th-they seem just a tad conspicuous!” Alice felt so angry she just had to yell at him about something.

“That is not my choice. Your puny bodies are so fragile that I have to be continually venting my dragon fire out my eyes to keep from exploding,” explained the supposed dragon.

“Okay, well… Wha… why did you hurt my parents?” demanded Alice shakily. “Why?”

“Hmm? Oh, you think that was me? Well, that explains why you seem so angry,” said the alien. “You see, that wasn’t me, that was…” He stopped as the Doctor Who theme song began playing. He pulled a phone out of his pocket, looked at it, and swiped the screen, stopping the music abruptly. He then held it up to his ear. Alice just stood there, watching him as he listened intently. After a few seconds, his expression abruptly changed to one of dismay.

“Oh no! I’ll be there immediately,” he said into the phone. He hung up.

All this time Alice was trying to wrap her mind around what the stranger had said. If he hadn’t killed her parents, who had? She decided he must be lying. He was the only suspect, and she was still certain it was him. In the back of her mind, Alice knew that that was simply her anger talking, but she didn’t listen.

She was suddenly startled from her thoughts when she heard a loud crackling noise coming from the alien/dragon. The alien’s already glowing eyes started glowing even more. He’s about to leave, realized Alice. Then something strange happened in her. The first thing was that something inside of her snapped, and her fear melted away. Next she felt distant, like she was a spectator watching a movie. What was happening was just too unreal, and since it was unreal, only a bad dream that she would wake up from, she felt a burst of reckless courage flow through her. She felt invincible, like nothing could hurt her.

She leapt at the alien, grabbing his wrist right as he zapped up into the sky amidst a bolt of lightning.

Alice felt a flash of pain, and then she blacked out.

She woke up lying in a hospital bed. Where on Earth am I? she thought. She tried to move, but instead she screamed from pain. She looked down at her arm, and noticed that it was covered in burns and blisters.

The door to the room she was in opened, and a gray-haired woman in lab clothes walked in.

“Hello, I am Doctor Melissa Remington. I see that you are now awake. Do you recall anything about what happened to you yesterday afternoon?” asked the woman.

Alice frowned. “Um…” Of course she’s not going to believe that there’s an alien going around with blue eyes that can turn into lightning, thought Alice. “I touched a… er… fallen electrical line?” she said hopefully.

Melissa raised her eyebrows. “You think I won’t believe you. I was just checking to see if you knew or remembered what happened to you, which apparently you do.”

“Wait… you know about the alien guy?” asked Alice, surprised. Then a scary thought struck her. What if this woman is some sort of accomplice?

“Of course I know who he is. In fact, he’s here right now,” said Melissa, confirming Alice’s fear.

“Why did he burn down my house, badly injuring my parents? Why?” demanded Alice, tears welling up. A lump formed in her throat.

“He’s not the one who killed your parents, in fact, he was trying to stop the killer. Unfortunately, he was too late, and the killer burnt down a bunch of houses, including yours, and escaped,” said Melissa calmly.

“W-what?” Alice just sat there, not comprehending what she had just heard. “How… how do I know you’re not lying?” she eventually said weakly. Two people telling her was just too much.

“I guess you’ll just have to either trust me, or not believe me,” said Melissa. She got up, about to leave the room.

“Wait!” called Alice. “If the alien wasn’t the killer, who was?”

“You have a lot of questions,” avoided Melissa, and she walked out the door.

***

Shadowscale sighed as he stared out of a window. He didn’t really like going on these difficult missions to save people. He just wanted to catch the bad guy and be done with it. Unfortunately, the mysterious villain behind the attacks was too slippery to be caught. In fact, he was so smart that he had managed to frame Shadowscale as the culprit, and now this I.S.U.E. organization was after Shadowscale, thinking he was the villain, instead of the actual villain.

Shadowscale thought about the circumstances that had led him to being trapped on this planet called “Earth.” He had been flying through the atmosphere of his own planet, on his way to a tournament. The tournament building looked like a gigantic silver piece of macaroni, with the ends sticking into the ground. Shadowscale had swooped down, landing in front of the entranceway, which was on the left end of the macaroni-building. Doors on his home planet were much larger than the ones here on Earth, which made sense, considering that his kind are much larger than these tiny humans.

He had walked into the building, only to find the strangest sight he had ever seen. A tiny rainbow-colored swirl-sphere thing was fluctuating in the middle of the entrance hall to the building. Shadowscale had walked up to it, wondering what it was. Suddenly, to Shadowscale’s horror, it had expanded to massive proportions, enveloping Shadowscale inside it, where he had discovered that it was bringing him to somewhere far away.

Fortunately, Shadowscale’s psychic abilities had kept him from being ripped apart as he had gotten dragged to a different part of the universe. He had looked ahead through the mix of rainbows and stars to a different planet, one that was polluted and failing.

Shadowscale had seen the beings on the other side, and his psychic abilities caused him to transform and adapt into one of them. He had immediately noticed that they were weak and flimsy compared to him, even when he had taken on their form. His psychic powers and dragon fire blazed in him much too strongly to be contained in so weak a body, so it had been continually venting out of his eyes since he had morphed.

He had then met the creatures who had apparently made the “X-portal” as they called it. Shadowscale had used his psychic abilities to effortlessly learn the language spoken by the beings.

The moment the portal crashed he had noticed all the pollution in the air, mainly an unbalanced excess of carbon dioxide. Not to mention the unhealthy radio waves going to and fro from the being’s devices.

After these strange beings, which he later learned were called humans, got over their fear of Shadowscale, they had gotten curious and had continually asked him questions about where he was from and what it was like there. He had answered a lot of their questions, and had asked a bunch of his own.

The humans had done a bunch of tests on him, but then one day some of the information was hacked and stolen. That was when the seemingly random attacks started, which Shadowscale was still trying to stop. He had gotten ambushed by the instigator of the attack’s thugs unexpectedly multiple times since then, though they weren’t much of a match for him.

Because Shadowscale was always showing up at the crime scenes, I.S.U.E. had thought he was the one committing the crimes, and now not only was the real villain trying to kill him, but a secret government organization was trying to kill him as well.

He was startled out of his thoughts when Melissa, the scientist who had made the X-portal, entered.

“It’s time to go,” said Melissa. “Good luck.”

Shadowscale nodded, opened the window, and jumped out. In a flash of energy he transformed into his natural, more powerful self. He zapped up above the clouds, and began to soar on his wings. I hope I’m not too late again, thought Shadowscale, dampening his delight to be flying again. He flew for several hours, finally coming to Sioux Falls around midnight. He dipped below the clouds, and saw lights coming from a large building further out. There it is, he thought. Shadowscale flew up above the clouds, and angled his body downward. He dove, whooshing downward amidst a flash of lightning.

Shadowscale had arrived.


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Sat Jun 13, 2020 7:07 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever it is when you get around to reading this),

And Chapter 5, let's get right to it then,

First Impression: We get some backstory. That's pretty good but it all seemed to dumped on us in a bit of an exposition dump. Maybe space it out a bit more. But overall nice little twist on things though to be honest I kinda saw it coming.

And on with it,

“Y-you don’t look like a dragon,” stammered Alice, still terrified.

“Well, that’s because I have a natural ability to adjust to my surroundings. I would be quite conspicuous as a dragon clomping around noisily on this planet of miniscule inhabitants,” was the blue-eyed alien’s reply.

Okay Nice look at this dragon's personality.

All this time Alice was trying to wrap her mind around what the stranger had said. If he hadn’t killed her parents, who had? She decided he must be lying. He was the only suspect, and she was still certain it was him. In the back of her mind, Alice knew that that was simply her anger talking, but she didn’t listen.

I'd suggest showing this thought process of her deciding he is lying rather than straight up saying it.

She was suddenly startled from her thoughts when she heard a loud crackling noise coming from the alien/dragon. The alien’s already glowing eyes started glowing even more. He’s about to leave, realized Alice. Then something strange happened in her. The first thing was that something inside of her snapped, and her fear melted away. Next she felt distant, like she was a spectator watching a movie. What was happening was just too unreal, and since it was unreal, only a bad dream that she would wake up from, she felt a burst of reckless courage flow through her. She felt invincible, like nothing could hurt her.

That's a nice paragraph.

Melissa raised her eyebrows. “You think I won’t believe you. I was just checking to see if you knew or remembered what happened to you, which apparently you do.”

“Wait… you know about the alien guy?” asked Alice, surprised. Then a scary thought struck her. What if this woman is some sort of accomplice?

“Of course I know who he is. In fact, he’s here right now,” said Melissa, confirming Alice’s fear.

“Why did he burn down my house, badly injuring my parents? Why?” demanded Alice, tears welling up. A lump formed in her throat.

“He’s not the one who killed your parents, in fact, he was trying to stop the killer. Unfortunately, he was too late, and the killer burnt down a bunch of houses, including yours, and escaped,” said Melissa calmly.

Like I said pretty neat little twist.

“W-what?” Alice just sat there, not comprehending what she had just heard. “How… how do I know you’re not lying?” she eventually said weakly. Two people telling her was just too much.

“I guess you’ll just have to either trust me, or not believe me,” said Melissa. She got up, about to leave the room.

“Wait!” called Alice. “If the alien wasn’t the killer, who was?”

“You have a lot of questions,” avoided Melissa, and she walked out the door.

Here Melissa comes off pretty rude. She just dropped a lot of information on the girl who has just been through a whole lot of trauma. She should be prepared to answer a few questions at least. But maybe that's the character you're going for?

Shadowscale sighed as he stared out of a window. He didn’t really like going on these difficult missions to save people. He just wanted to catch the bad guy and be done with it. Unfortunately, the mysterious villain behind the attacks was too slippery to be caught. In fact, he was so smart that he had managed to frame Shadowscale as the culprit, and now this I.S.U.E. organization was after Shadowscale, thinking he was the villain, instead of the actual villain. (Too much Shadowscale usage. Use he)

Shadowscale thought about the circumstances that had led him to being trapped on this planet called “Earth.” He had been flying through the atmosphere of his own planet, on his way to a tournament. The tournament building looked like a gigantic silver piece of macaroni, with the ends sticking into the ground. Shadowscale had swooped down, landing in front of the entranceway, which was on the left end of the macaroni-building. Doors on his home planet were much larger than the ones here on Earth, which made sense, considering that his kind are much larger than these tiny humans.

As I said above too large of an exposition dump here. Breaks the reader from the story.

Fortunately, Shadowscale’s psychic abilities had kept him from being ripped apart as he had gotten dragged to a different part of the universe. He had looked ahead through the mix of rainbows and stars to a different planet, one that was polluted and failing.

Shadowscale had seen the beings on the other side, and his psychic abilities caused him to transform and adapt into one of them. He had immediately noticed that they were weak and flimsy compared to him, even when he had taken on their form. His psychic powers and dragon fire blazed in him much too strongly to be contained in so weak a body, so it had been continually venting out of his eyes since he had morphed.

This part is nice. I'd suggest mentioning a little bit of this but chopping the other stuff and sprinkling it in later in the story.

The moment the portal crashed he had noticed all the pollution in the air, mainly an unbalanced excess of carbon dioxide. Not to mention the unhealthy radio waves going to and fro from the being’s devices.

Radio waves? Unhealthy? Also extreme nitpick but most devices like phones, T.V.'s use microwaves not radiowaves.

After these strange beings, which he later learned were called humans, got over their fear of Shadowscale, they had gotten curious and had continually asked him questions about where he was from and what it was like there. He had answered a lot of their questions, and had asked a bunch of his own.

The humans had done a bunch of tests on him, but then one day some of the information was hacked and stolen. That was when the seemingly random attacks started, which Shadowscale was still trying to stop. He had gotten ambushed by the instigator of the attack’s thugs unexpectedly multiple times since then, though they weren’t much of a match for him.

This should be explained a bit more detailed. This feels like a large chunk of backstory being dumped with a lot of parts being skipped over.

Shadowscale nodded, opened the window, and jumped out. In a flash of energy(light? energy sounds weird to put there) he transformed into his natural, more powerful self. He zapped up above the clouds, and began to soar on his wings.

Shadowscale had arrived.

Lovely punchline of an ending there. I'm starting really like your endings.

So that's it.

Now overall really interesting chapter even if it was a bit packed with backstory. Asks a lot of questions and keeps the reader wanting more.

And as usual sorry if I was harsh. Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe :)
Harry




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Sat May 16, 2020 8:56 am
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi Necromancer14

Felistia here to review your story again. :D

If he hadn’t killed her parents, who had?


Maybe I missed something in the previous chapter, but I'm sure you said Alice's parents were still alive, but in hospital?



Love this chapter. Shame poor Alice. This must all by quite confusing for her.

The highlight of the chapter was Shadowscale though. I guess we're going to be seeing the story form his point of view as well from now on? That would be great.

I like that you went back to the prologue from Shadowscale's point of view and gave a little information about his home world. Maybe we'll see his home world again?

Anyway, it was also interesting to hear that he's not responsible for the attacks. Maybe there's another dragon? Don't know. I'll have to keep reading to find out a guess.

Loved this chapter and look forward to reading the next.

Keep writing,
Felistia






Thanks for the review! and oops! I didn't mean to write "kill" lol I apparently wasn't thinking straight.



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Sat Mar 21, 2020 9:13 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'll keep this one short. It was fast paced like the last chapter, but not as fast. I like how we now learn about this Shadowscale being and how he's not the real culprit. I am intrigued to know who did it now! The speech was good and got Alice's character across more, but I still feel like something is missing with her.

He stopped as the Doctor Who theme song began playing. He pulled a phone out of his pocket, looked at it, and swiped the screen, stopping the music abruptly.

I LOVE this. I am like, the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, so this made me smile :-)

She woke up lying in a hospital bed. Where on Earth am I? she thought.

Well, considering she's in a hospital bed she must have a few guesses!

she eventually said weakly

Don't use two adverbs so close together like this. I'd suggest you get rid of one.

“You have a lot of questions,” avoided Melissa, and she walked out the door.

Well, of course she would? I think this line is kind of unneeded. Melissa isn't stupid - she's a doctor! She's just told Alice this huge, important thing and doesn't expect her to have question? :-)

In fact, he was so smart that he had managed to frame Shadowscale as the culprit, and now this I.S.U.E. organization was after Shadowscale, thinking he was the villain, instead of the actual villain.

Don't use his name twice in a sentence like this, it's repetitive and a mouthful. You just need 'he' as we know who it's talking about.


You've used Shadowscales' name so many times! We know who you're talking about, you can just say 'he'!

Keep writing!






Thanks for the review!
I LOVE this. I am like, the biggest Doctor Who fan ever, so this made me smile

I love dr. who too! It's probably my favorite show. :D



4revgreen says...


What did you think of the latest series? I saw so many people hating on Jodie Whittaker online, but I thought it was an improvement from the last series she did and I loved the finale!





I've only seen Season 1 and season 11 (I know. weird, right?) But yeah, I liked season 11, though not as much as season 1.



4revgreen says...


YOU REALLY NEED TO WATCH ALL THE REST AHHHH!!!!!!!
You've never watch any David Tennant, Matt Smith OR Peter Capaldi episodes??????? They're all on BBC Iplayer
David tenant has some of the best written episodes, Matt Smith is hilarious and Capaldi is a sarcastic angry Scottish man who I'll always relate to XD





Don't worry, I'll definitely watch them! They're prime on Amazon video.



4revgreen says...


When you do, you can talk to me about any episode at anytime! I honestly can quote literally every episode, it's kinda unhealthy.. same with Torchwood, the spin off about Captain Jack, who was my favourite companion





The last thing I knew about captain Jack was that he was left in the future right after the dalek invasion in the last episode of season 1. I've seen a little of season 2, but I haven't completed it.



4revgreen says...


He doesn't come back until series 3, but it's worth the wait! What he did before then is explored in Torchwood.





DONT GIVE ME SPOILERS!!



4revgreen says...


I won't, I promise!! XD



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Sun Jan 26, 2020 4:22 am
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

I admit I haven't read the previous chapters, but I CAN say that I really enjoyed reading this! I'm intrigued and would love to read more. After review day, I may find myself catching up properly so I can continue reading. :D

So from an outsider's perspective, I really like what you have here. I feel like this chapter is covering good ground with Alice confronting Shadowscale. This is presumably a critical moment for Alice, who's investigating the case behind her parents' deaths. And poor Shadowscale is apparently falsely accused for this and has to deal with it. I love these opposing perspectives.

And I REALLY just love your alien!dragon. Like how freaking COOL is he??

I love how Alice handles her confrontation with the dragon, too. She seems very straightforward and passionate, her grief and anger take over here as her emotions are poured out with her words, demanding answers. She even throws herself at him without a thought! She's got a lot of courage, and she doesn't think before she acts. I really like her, in fact. I love the energy behind her, and I feel like her personality is such a great contrast to Shadowscale's calm demeanor. So even as a reader who hasn't read more than this chapter, I couldn't help but adore this confrontation between Alice and Shadowscale. THeir personalities are so complementary -- they really feed off each other!

The scene with Alice in the hospital bed felt a little fast, and I think the dialogue just felt a bit rough. Alice didn't sound tired or groggy enough, and the doctor felt a bit stiff in the introductions. The discussion really just jumped IMMEDIATELY into the plot, where realistically, there'd be a little more of a "let's check your vitals, yadda yadda". What I DID love, though, was the end of the discussion and how the doctor's personality shone through her farewell. Particularly the "you ask a lot of questions" comment that really portrays her personality beautifully. Just the right amount of snark to make me like her character.

I enjoyed reading Shadowscale's perspective as well here. Getting his take on the confrontation after having viewed it from Alice's point-of-view was really refreshing and puts emphasis on Shadowscale's situation. I feel like the term "psychic abilities" was overused as an explanation. After a while, it shouldn't have to be explained so much that he has psychic abilities. Once the reader understands that, it's just a matter of show his abilities instead of just telling us over and over.

But that aside, I'm a huge fan of this alien!dragon concept. Shadowscale clearly has a large backstory about him, being stuck on earth and helping the humans survive case by case. He's in quite the predicament, and this whole story really tackles the issue of someone who "looks" different and the prejudice behind that. It's a sensitive topic in real life, making this a very relatable story. Plus, it's a fun spin on it with the whole lightning alien dragon thing. :D

I enjoyed this chapter! Keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!






Thanks for the review!



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Wed Jan 22, 2020 3:38 am
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hello there! Thank you so much for requesting a review, and I hope this helps in your writing journey.

So far, I had read all of these chapters at some point, leaving a review for all of the previous chapters, except for one, I think, so I remember most of what has happened so far. Alice was introduced as an unlucky passerby with her parents being hurt by a mysterious humanoid figure, while the unnamed dragon (until now) seemed to be going through parts of town, and everything felt a little bit convoluted. Never to worry for I am here to go through story details.

I think this chapter has a good purpose, in having Alice and Shadowscale (I think that's what name he is meant to be) meet face-to-face, and having her confront her supposed parents' attacker, but the dialogue does read a little off to me, especially in a few of Alice's replies. One in particular is quoted just to point it out:

“Why did he burn down my house, badly injuring my parents? Why?”
I don't think too many people would respond with that second portion especially. I actually think Alice would make more sense in being unable to finish any of her thoughts here, such as "Why did he do all of this?" and shake her hands uselessly in a circle to include all of the destruction she's seen. She does seem to say the word "Why," quite a lot, but I do think she has quite a lot to question.

I can understand that Shadowscale is a very stoic, non-emotional being, due to him being a dragon and viewing humanity as a far weaker form, but he sounds much like a robot, and that can lead to dull conversations. I would like to see his personality start to develop a little more, being influenced by the humans he has to interact with, and just because of a natural progression of things.

One last thing before I go is that the second half of this chapter is full on telling. All of his backstory. All at once. I would rather get a large amount of this sprinkled through the story, or at least have a cleaner lead through rather than Shadowscale flying around and thinking about everything that has ever happened to him. Even descriptions such as "The crystal reminded him of the one that sent him to this cursed place" fits a lot smoother in the story writing itself, rather than three paragraphs of him talking about his life.

I think this is a really fun idea to work with, and a lot of this story is meant for a future revision/editing of events, but I do enjoy this. I hope this helped!






Thanks for the review!




Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
— George Eliot