Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever it is when you get around to reading this),
And Chapter 5, let's get right to it then,
First Impression: We get some backstory. That's pretty good but it all seemed to dumped on us in a bit of an exposition dump. Maybe space it out a bit more. But overall nice little twist on things though to be honest I kinda saw it coming.
And on with it,
“Y-you don’t look like a dragon,” stammered Alice, still terrified.
“Well, that’s because I have a natural ability to adjust to my surroundings. I would be quite conspicuous as a dragon clomping around noisily on this planet of miniscule inhabitants,” was the blue-eyed alien’s reply.
Okay Nice look at this dragon's personality.
All this time Alice was trying to wrap her mind around what the stranger had said. If he hadn’t killed her parents, who had? She decided he must be lying. He was the only suspect, and she was still certain it was him. In the back of her mind, Alice knew that that was simply her anger talking, but she didn’t listen.
I'd suggest showing this thought process of her deciding he is lying rather than straight up saying it.
She was suddenly startled from her thoughts when she heard a loud crackling noise coming from the alien/dragon. The alien’s already glowing eyes started glowing even more. He’s about to leave, realized Alice. Then something strange happened in her. The first thing was that something inside of her snapped, and her fear melted away. Next she felt distant, like she was a spectator watching a movie. What was happening was just too unreal, and since it was unreal, only a bad dream that she would wake up from, she felt a burst of reckless courage flow through her. She felt invincible, like nothing could hurt her.
That's a nice paragraph.
Melissa raised her eyebrows. “You think I won’t believe you. I was just checking to see if you knew or remembered what happened to you, which apparently you do.”
“Wait… you know about the alien guy?” asked Alice, surprised. Then a scary thought struck her. What if this woman is some sort of accomplice?
“Of course I know who he is. In fact, he’s here right now,” said Melissa, confirming Alice’s fear.
“Why did he burn down my house, badly injuring my parents? Why?” demanded Alice, tears welling up. A lump formed in her throat.
“He’s not the one who killed your parents, in fact, he was trying to stop the killer. Unfortunately, he was too late, and the killer burnt down a bunch of houses, including yours, and escaped,” said Melissa calmly.
Like I said pretty neat little twist.
“W-what?” Alice just sat there, not comprehending what she had just heard. “How… how do I know you’re not lying?” she eventually said weakly. Two people telling her was just too much.
“I guess you’ll just have to either trust me, or not believe me,” said Melissa. She got up, about to leave the room.
“Wait!” called Alice. “If the alien wasn’t the killer, who was?”
“You have a lot of questions,” avoided Melissa, and she walked out the door.
Here Melissa comes off pretty rude. She just dropped a lot of information on the girl who has just been through a whole lot of trauma. She should be prepared to answer a few questions at least. But maybe that's the character you're going for?
Shadowscale sighed as he stared out of a window. He didn’t really like going on these difficult missions to save people. He just wanted to catch the bad guy and be done with it. Unfortunately, the mysterious villain behind the attacks was too slippery to be caught. In fact, he was so smart that he had managed to frame Shadowscale as the culprit, and now this I.S.U.E. organization was after Shadowscale, thinking he was the villain, instead of the actual villain. (Too much Shadowscale usage. Use he)
Shadowscale thought about the circumstances that had led him to being trapped on this planet called “Earth.” He had been flying through the atmosphere of his own planet, on his way to a tournament. The tournament building looked like a gigantic silver piece of macaroni, with the ends sticking into the ground. Shadowscale had swooped down, landing in front of the entranceway, which was on the left end of the macaroni-building. Doors on his home planet were much larger than the ones here on Earth, which made sense, considering that his kind are much larger than these tiny humans.
As I said above too large of an exposition dump here. Breaks the reader from the story.
Fortunately, Shadowscale’s psychic abilities had kept him from being ripped apart as he had gotten dragged to a different part of the universe. He had looked ahead through the mix of rainbows and stars to a different planet, one that was polluted and failing.
Shadowscale had seen the beings on the other side, and his psychic abilities caused him to transform and adapt into one of them. He had immediately noticed that they were weak and flimsy compared to him, even when he had taken on their form. His psychic powers and dragon fire blazed in him much too strongly to be contained in so weak a body, so it had been continually venting out of his eyes since he had morphed.
This part is nice. I'd suggest mentioning a little bit of this but chopping the other stuff and sprinkling it in later in the story.
The moment the portal crashed he had noticed all the pollution in the air, mainly an unbalanced excess of carbon dioxide. Not to mention the unhealthy radio waves going to and fro from the being’s devices.
Radio waves? Unhealthy? Also extreme nitpick but most devices like phones, T.V.'s use microwaves not radiowaves.
After these strange beings, which he later learned were called humans, got over their fear of Shadowscale, they had gotten curious and had continually asked him questions about where he was from and what it was like there. He had answered a lot of their questions, and had asked a bunch of his own.
The humans had done a bunch of tests on him, but then one day some of the information was hacked and stolen. That was when the seemingly random attacks started, which Shadowscale was still trying to stop. He had gotten ambushed by the instigator of the attack’s thugs unexpectedly multiple times since then, though they weren’t much of a match for him.
This should be explained a bit more detailed. This feels like a large chunk of backstory being dumped with a lot of parts being skipped over.
Shadowscale nodded, opened the window, and jumped out. In a flash of energy(light? energy sounds weird to put there) he transformed into his natural, more powerful self. He zapped up above the clouds, and began to soar on his wings.
Shadowscale had arrived.
Lovely punchline of an ending there. I'm starting really like your endings.
So that's it.
Now overall really interesting chapter even if it was a bit packed with backstory. Asks a lot of questions and keeps the reader wanting more.
And as usual sorry if I was harsh. Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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