Isaac Johnson was standing at a disaster sight. fourteen houses had burned down, and nobody knew why. It had happened too fast to have been an accident, so Isaac's boss had sent him over to investigate. Isaac was sixteen years old and very introverted, so he didn't talk to any of the police. The only people he felt comfortable talking to were his family, Josh, and his boss.
I don't need their help. I can figure this out myself, was the excuse he gave himself for not asking the police what they knew already. He ducked under the caution tape and walked over to the remnants of one of the houses.
"Hey, kid! You're not allowed in there!" came the command of a police officer. Isaac sighed. He would have to talk to a cop after all. He walked back from under the caution tape and pulled out his wallet, showing the police something that was inside.
"What do you think you were doing in there? You could've been... " The police officer trailed off as he looked at Isaac's qualifications. "Oh. Sorry, I didn't know you were an investigator."
Isaac didn't say anything. The police walked off as Isaac ducked back under the yellow-and-black tape, over to the wreckage.
He looked around keenly, inspecting the damage. He noticed something abnormal. Why are the pieces scattered so far? Even if it was windy enough, which I checked the weather and it wasn't, the pieces would've been blown in one direction, not multiple directions.
The pieces of the house were scattered all over in every direction, with almost no pieces in the middle, like something had blown them outward. The witnesses said they saw an explosion. Maybe bombs blew up these houses, thought Isaac. But where's the motivation? Who would want to blow up fourteen random houses in some ordinary neighborhood? Terrorists? That was the best option Isaac could think of. There's only one way to make sure the culprit was bombs.
Isaac pulled out a strange looking device that had a sensor and a screen on it. He pushed a button, tapped various areas on the screen, and pushed a different button.
It made a buzzing noise, and Isaac waved it back and forth over the wreckage.
When he was finished, he looked at it again. Yep, it was definitely bombs. There's traces of mercury everywhere, he thought. He pulled out his phone, typed his nineteen-digit pin, and called his boss.
"Yes, Isaac? What did you find out?" said the voice through his phone.
"It was definitely bombs, sir," replied Isaac.
"Good work. Did you find out who did it?"
"Not yet."
"Did you notice anything... unusual?"
"Not yet, sir. This may just be the work of terrorists or something."
Isaac hung up, and exited the scene. It's been destroyed too much to be able to find out anything more, he thought.
He checked the other houses, but they were the same; blown outward with readings of mercury. He decided to ask some of the witnesses what they saw. One of their testimonies was of special interest to Isaac.
"The houses were all burning down, and it was absolutely horrible... " sobbed an old lady. "But it was afterwards that was weird. There was this strange lightning bolt... "
"Yes?" asked Isaac. He hated talking to people, and this was torture.
"You'll... you'll think me crazy... the police did... " she said warily.
"Just tell me, I won't judge you," Isaac said excitedly.
"The lightning bolt, well, it turned into... into a... a... well, a person," she said. "with these creepy, shining blue eyes... I really did see it, I'm not hallucinating. It... "
Isaac had already left, desperate to escape having to be with a stranger. He was also excited. It's the mysterious figure we're after! he thought. He whipped out his phone and called his boss again.
"Did you discover anything more?" asked his boss eagerly, with his gruff voice.
"Someone had seen Unknown number one. You know, the guy with blue eyes. Apparently he came down in a lightning bolt," answered Isaac.
"Really? Come to the nearest I.S.U.E. office immediately, while I send some men to secure the area," commanded Isaac's boss.
"Yes, sir," said Isaac. He hung up, and ran over to his investigator's car, whereupon he started it and began to drive off. He drove all the way to downtown Chicago. He arrived at a small building near the edge of the city, and when a pad with numbers on it stuck out of the side, Isaac pushed a combination of them.
As a robotic voice said "Access granted," the pavement under Isaac's car's tires lowered until Isaac and his car found themselves in a large, dimly lit parking lot area, with about twenty cars parked already. Isaac parked his own vehicle and went into an elevator. We're so close to catching this guy, he thought. The next time he shows up, we'll be waiting for him.
After he had gone even deeper into the ground via elevator, he walked into a hallway. In bold print on the wall it read;
I.S.U.E.
Investigation/study of the Unusual/Extraterrestrial
Isaac grinned. he loved his job.
End of chapter
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139,516 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night,
And chapter 2 time.
First Impression: You really like tonal shifts. Great. So do I. Introduces a new element into the story. It's done pretty well but the character might need a tad bit more three dimensional.
Isaac Johnson was standing at a disaster sight(Site).(Capitalization-(I know someone else pointed it out but you haven't changed it so I'm pointing these out again)) fourteen houses had burned down, and nobody knew why. It had happened too fast to have been an accident, so Isaac's boss had sent him over to investigate. Isaac was sixteen years old and very introverted, so he didn't talk to any of the police. The only people he felt comfortable talking to were his family, Josh, and his boss.
Seems like a bad character trait for an investigator who would have to talk to a lot of people but okay.
"Hey, kid! You're not allowed in there!" came the command of a police officer. Isaac sighed. He would have to talk to a cop after all. He walked back from under the caution tape and pulled out his wallet, showing the police something that was inside.
i'd say he could have just flashed his qualifications without coming out from the yellow tape but that's a very small point.
He looked around keenly, inspecting the damage. He noticed something abnormal. Why are the pieces scattered so far? Even if it was windy enough, which I checked the weather and it wasn't, the pieces would've been blown in one direction, not multiple directions.
WARNING!!! Extreme Nitpick: Now to my knowledge literally every explosion explodes outward in multiple directions unless it has been rigged to blow in a specific direction.
But where's the motivation? Who would want to blow up fourteen random houses in some ordinary neighborhood? Terrorists? That was the best option Isaac could think of. There's only one way to make sure the culprit was bombs.(a bomb)
Isaac pulled out a strange looking device that had a sensor and a screen on it. He pushed a button, tapped various areas on the screen, and pushed a different button. (Sudden narrator like voice. If this is Isaac POV I don't think he'd find it strange because you'd expect him to be familiar with the device.)
When he was finished, he looked at it again. Yep, it was definitely bombs. There's traces of mercury everywhere, he thought. He pulled out his phone, typed his nineteen-digit pin, and called his boss.
"Yes, Isaac? What did you find out?" said the voice through his phone.
"It was definitely bombs, sir," replied Isaac.
"Good work. Did you find out who did it?"
"Not yet."
"Did you notice anything... unusual?"
Neat bit of foreshadowing.
"The houses were all burning down, and it was absolutely horrible... " sobbed an old lady. "But it was afterwards that was weird. There was this strange lightning bolt... "
"Yes?" asked Isaac. He hated talking to people, and this was torture.
"You'll... you'll think me crazy... the police did... " she said warily.
"Just tell me, I won't judge you," Isaac said excitedly.
"The lightning bolt, well, it turned into... into a... a... well, a person," she said. "with these creepy, shining blue eyes... I really did see it, I'm not hallucinating. It... "
Isaac had already left, desperate to escape having to be with a stranger. He was also excited. It's the mysterious figure we're after! he thought. He whipped out his phone and called his boss again.
"Did you discover anything more?" asked his boss eagerly, with his gruff voice.
"Someone had seen Unknown number one. You know, the guy with blue eyes. Apparently he came down in a lightning bolt," answered Isaac.
"Really? Come to the nearest I.S.U.E. office immediately, while I send some men to secure the area," commanded Isaac's boss.
Really interesting. Love this part.
As a robotic voice said "Access granted," the pavement under Isaac's car's tires lowered until Isaac and his car found themselves in a large, dimly lit parking lot area, with about twenty cars parked already. Isaac parked his own vehicle and went into an elevator. We're so close to catching this guy, he thought. The next time he shows up, we'll be waiting for him.
After he had gone even deeper into the ground via elevator, he walked into a hallway. In bold print on the wall it read;
I.S.U.E.
Investigation/study of the Unusual/Extraterrestrial
Isaac grinned.(He) he loved his job.
Another great ending. Keeps the reader hooked.
And that's it.
Overall a good chapter. We learn a couple of things about Isaac. It introduces some interesting elements. Imma keep reading.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Necromancer14
Back again with a review.
Again interesting chapter. Not quite as interesting as the last one, but still kept me locked onto the words. I have a feeling I'm going to like Isaac. I'm an introvert too and boy does this sound like me. Lol.
So he's part of a secret organization. Interesting. This could play out in so many different ways.
I also like that we found out that the boy came down in a lightning bolt. I'm thinking he changed shape from what he was back into the human form? Maybe?
Anyway, love reading this so far.
Keep writing
Felistia
Thanks for the review! And yeah, writing Isaac's introvertness was quite easy as I'm also introverted.
Hey there! I'm slowly making my way through your chapters!
I think you know how I structure these now!
Nice opening, but I think you meant 'site'
You forgot to capitalize the first letter of the sentence.
I assume you explain later on, but a 16 year old investigator?? That would have been my dream job at 16, I wish!
'...to make sure the culprit was a bomb' makes more sense.
I'd say '... and then pushed a different button.'
Lovely ending! But you forgot to capitalise 'he'
Okay, so I liked this chapter! Very well paced, we got a lot of information and we were introduced to Isaac in a better way and know his job. Which I think is an awesome job!
I can totally see this as a TV show! A very nice idea, like I said before.
Once again, some more personality on Isaac's part would've been nice. He was more characterised than Alice but I think it still needs a little work. Same thing with the descriptions too. You seem to skip over any perfect opportunities to introduce us to where they live, describe the burnt down houses etc.
The dialogue part was nice. I kind of wish there was more!
Keep writing
Thanks for the review! Yeah, I have trouble with remembering to capitalize a lot. And also I had "tv show" in my brain when I began writing this, so that's kind of my intent. Again, thanks! I'm impressed how fast you're pumping out these reviews!
Hey Necromancer14! Katja here to review chapter two. As always please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions if you find them unhelpful. Onto the review~
Overall thoughts
In this chapter, we are introduced to the character Isaac Johnson- a 16-year-old working for an organization known as "ISUE: Investigation / Study of the Unusual / Extraterrestrial". He comes to investigate the destruction of the 14 houses in the previous chapter and concludes due to questioning an older lady that this involves "Unknown Number One" the figure with glowing blue eyes. He is introverted so much so he tried to avoid talking to the police or witnesses if possible.
I'm not sure if Isaac is supposed to be likeable- because to be honest, I'm not a fan of him. He's introverted which I get, but to a degree, he completely disregards the way people around him feel. The way he interacted with the old lady was rude, unempathetic and cold. If that's intended, no complaints here. I just don't know if he's supposed to come off as *good* or not.
I like the progression of the plot and the switching POVs which play in with one another instead of jumping around and confusing the reader. I'm a big fan of POV changes ever since binging Dean Koontz books- which your story kind of reminds me of in a more teen-fiction version of his style. Very cool~
Suggestions
Overall I don't have too much to suggest... maybe focussing on further characterization of the characters mentioned so far and to delve more into the organization. For example- what do they know about "Unknown Number One" and are there more? *Eventually* It would be good to expand on how the prologue ties into the rest of the novel- for example, how much time has passed since then and how much the organization knows about it if at all. The pacing is good so far and I'm not suggestion rushing into providing this information at all. Just the questions I have so far and would like to see answered somewhere in the novel
That's all for comments/suggestion~
Summary
I'm loving the plot and the POV switches. I hope my review was helpful~ I'm heading to the next chapter for sure, you have me hooked.
Keep Writing,
~Katja
Okay, so I had finished reading chapter 1 and I clicked back, after reviewing and viola! Chapter-2. Early Christmas.
When you jumped into Isaac's character I had this "anthology series" feeling, but cooler, cause these are the characters from the same world though I believe it's going to be one set-piece. Now this chapter makes me appreciate the first chapter because like a dumb person i am, I didn't read the genre, so I was thinking of fantasy or romance, but now it is pretty clear.
Okay, heading into the real review...
Your chapters are short, the first one gets a pass because its job is to basically set the world up and introduce an exciting incident, which it does greatly, but I feel as though you should increase the length as you go on, but this issue is merely a drafting one.
I feel as though(from a writer's perspective) that I should be scared of the blue monster and his introduction was dry. A great tool to impale horror into your readers is to first introduce something completely bland and then twist it on its head. For example:
"The last man on earth sat in his empty room, windows closed from the gone world, books, wood and candles, taking in his solitude, there was a knock on the door."
You might have read something like this before and I am not sure if it applies but I still feel as the blue monster is scary. or at least should be.
You could show some testimonies from the boring ones, and like add humor to it so it becomes bearable for the reader and even enjoyable, then you introduce the blue creature and it would become more impactful. This would also increase the length of the chapter. But that's just an opinion, what you say goes. You might make it all upside down, making the blue creature a cute mooncake, and I would sound stupid then, but if you don't decide to do that, make it the scariest fucking thing in the story. (OR do whatever, its your story)
The tonal consistency(more importantly the subversion of it) also matters if you want chills in the story.
The Introverted Investigator: Isaac, is a very interesting character. I smiled at the last line, with Isaac when he says "he loves his job" Because he is an investigator and an introvert, you have the potential to create comedic elements with this character, will have to wait and see what you do with it though.
The only thing I'd want is more of it, and flesh out the world a little bit more, but I guess we have a lot of pages to discover that. Also, don't stop please, cause I so want to discover more of this figment of your imagination.
I am very pleased with the idea of varying the point of view between different main characters! This could honestly be the trope that gets the story a win from me. (Although, it would still be nice to make sure every character is well-developed in their respective chapter.)
Now, I enjoyed Isaac's character far more than I did Alice's, but I still think more development couldn't hurt. He's intelligent/observant, and introverted. That's great, but there either needs to more to him, or at least these things expanded upon. I mean, you even write about him deciding to talk to witnesses without talking about the conflict in his mind that his introversion would produce! Stuff like that seems to be lacking in your characters -- remember that they're meant to be actual people, not outlines that are filled in certain paragraphs but left as outlines in others. especially since this is going to be a character driven narrative.
Regarding the narration, however, I thought it was superb. I think it's a marked improvement from the previous chapter, and really helps the story feel like what it's supposed to. I'm genuinely excited to find out about unknown number one and how the ISUE works this case!
Here's a plot nitpick: was Isaac meant to be looking for Unknown number one? If so, why weren't his theories less orthodox than simple terrorist bombs? Or did he not really have anything to do with Unknown number one, and had just heard about it in the ISUE until now? Just how common are cases about Unknown number one in the ISUE? Info about that would really help world-build!
Excited to see where the next chapter goes
And this is more curious than before! If the view tends to switch between multiple characters, then I would be more inclined to see where else this goes - but I hope that all the characters: Alice and Isaac are expanded on later.
Besides that, this was quite different than the last two chapters - but I think it's quite good that these characters have such an analytical fellow in Isaac, even though he's not quite an adult - I don't think so, yet. This whole alien investigation team I didn't expect at all, so that brings an interesting twist to this story!
I think this chapter did a better job at adding to the setting and to the tone of this whole thing - in between bursts of teen moments and I am quite curious to see where this will go next.
I hope that Isaac's character gets a little more expanded on besides more of an analytical mind, which I imagine might happen once he starts interacting with either the alien guy or with other characters, so that's something I'm looking forward to.
I'm excited to see what happens next!