z

Young Writers Society



The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 8

by Necromancer14


“Everybody find cover! Now!” shouted Shadowscale.

“I said surrender! Nobody move!” came the voice from the helicopter, the sound warped from the speaker.

As fast as he could, Shadowscale leapt into the air towards the helicopters, a fireball forming in his mouth. As he came closer, two missiles launched from one of them. Shadowscale dodged the missiles easily, only to find that they were turning around and coming back at him. He flew around the helicopter that had shot at him, and the missiles crashed into the aircraft, detonating. The remaining scraps fell to the ground. I wish I didn’t have to kill them. He thought. Then as the next helicopter opened fire with guns, Shadowscale felt his shoulder rip open, blood spilling out.

Shadowscale gritted his teeth, ignoring the pain. He opened his mouth, releasing a huge fireball straight at the helicopter, incinerating it, all the while dodging more missiles. As the missiles chased him around, he ripped another helicopter to shreds with his claws. Unfortunately, he lost his focus for a split second, and more machine gun fire thudded into his tail, which caused him to lose his focus even more. A missile then struck him straight in the side, and he blacked out.

***

“You’ve been brainwashed. It’s as clear as day,” said Isaac.

“No I have not! You don’t understand, he’s not the culprit-” argued the girl, Alice, but Isaac interrupted.

“He’s killed tons of people, Alice. Don’t you understand? He’s evil.”

“He’s been framed is what,” was the stubborn girl’s response. “Anyway, how are you even part of these people? You’re like, my age.”

“Donovan Gaver cares about ability, not age,” answered Isaac. Just then, the helicopter jolted. The girl shrieked.

“What was that?” she demanded.

“Unknown number one woke up. Don’t worry, we’ll put him to sleep again, he can’t do anything to you anymore,” Isaac told her. Why do I have to have this job? Why can’t someone else have the duty of calming this girl down? thought Isaac, already knowing the answer. He was young, and he didn’t look “scary” like most of the other agents did.

““Do anything to me”? He hasn’t done anything to me!” she yelled. “You’re so thick!”

Isaac decided to just ignore her. Unknown number one has obviously messed with her mind. I’ll just wait for a while and see if she comes back to reason, thought Isaac. Maybe someone more “scary” would be a good idea.

Isaac and the girl sat in silence on their separate benches, opposite of each other. On either side of the benches were the walls of the helicopter, and in them a large glass window each. Isaac and the girl were sitting on the left side, and the girl had her back to the wall which separated them from the pilot’s seat.

Isaac watched the girl as she stared out the window angrily. She seemed so furious as she stared that Isaac began to expect the glass to shatter any minute under that gaze. However, he noticed a slight twinge of doubt in her eyes under all of the fury. So she’s coming back to reason a little, thought Isaac. He almost jumped when she asked him a question.

“How did you find us?” she asked.

“Hm? Oh, I just took your medical info, and we added them to all of the I.S.U.E. scanners. After we located all the possible options, we narrowed them down until we found where Unknown number one was making it’s residence,” said Isaac to her.

“Wait, you took my medical information?” yelled Alice indignantly. “Not cool!”

“As not cool as destroying your house?” asked Isaac. Alice just rolled her eyes exasperatedly.

Neither of them talked for the rest of the flight. When they finally arrived at the New York I.S.U.E. base, Isaac quickly exited, glad to be out of Alice’s stormy presence. Someone else can deal with her, he thought, with a twinge of guilt at not properly doing his job.

Isaac stood in the wonderfully empty elevator, heading to floor five. He arrived just in time to see Unknown number one being transported into the room via the H.E.R.D. (Helicopter Emergency Roof Door.) He must be too big to move through human-sized passageways, considered Isaac, the closest he ever got to a joke.

“Here you are, Isaac. Good work on locating Unknown number one,” said Freddy, addressing him.

“Thank you, though I was just doing my job,” replied Isaac. He watched as Unknown number one was fully moved into the room. The room was filled with all kinds of gadgets and instruments, and it overall reminded Isaac of going to the dentist, except much more extreme. In the center of the room was a stark white table, and Unknown number one was lowered onto it, belly down. Unknown number one’s wrists were locked down onto the table with metal cuffs that slid over and clicked into place. Then, his neck and tail were also retrained in similar fashion, only with much larger cuffs. Finally, there was a large, titanium muzzle put over his face.

“This should keep him restrained while we do some tests,” said an I.S.U.E. worker in the science department.

“Good. We don’t want him getting loose,” answered a man standing right in front of the table, looking down at Unknown number one. It’s Donnoven Gaver! thought Isaac. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised he’s here though. After all, this mission was our top priority.

“I find it interesting that it looks remarkably like a dragon,” said the scientist to Donnoven. “And it seems like one too, with an internal temperature of 1422°C., which is just barely hot enough to melt steel, though fortunately not hot enough to melt titanium,” he continued, staring at a screen. He abruptly turned back to Unknown number one as Unknown number one moved his tail.“Oh, wait, everybody stand back, it's regaining consciousness.”

“Blurg?” went Unknown number one. Then he seemed to realize what was happening. “Blurg!” he roared. He began thrashing against the cuffs, and the titanium muzzle began to turn red, with a wave of heat hitting Isaac in the face.

Unknown number one thrashed some more, and Isaac began to sweat profusely from the heat. Donnoven Gaver simply stood still, his suit unruffled. He didn’t seem bothered by the heat.

“It’s turning into an oven in here!” yelled an agent.

Unknown number ones’ muzzle began to turn orange, and the room got even hotter. After that, the creature shrank, and Isaac began to panic. It’ll get out of the cuffs! he thought. Fortunately, however, the cuffs moved inward and folded in on themselves, shrinking and adjusting with Unknown number one. When he was finished shrinking, Unknown number one spoke, not muzzled any more.

“I see that you have captured me,” he said, and Isaac got his first look at the alien’s face in human-form. “But I think I’ll go now.” Unknown number one closed his eyes, and when he opened them, they were glowing twice as bright.

“Uh-Oh,” said the scientist, just as a blue ball of energy appeared in Unknown number one. The ball rapidly expanded outward, wrecking everything it went through. Then, it exploded, sending agents and metal flying outward. Isaac was one of those agents, and he felt a sharp piece of glass stab him in the side, just as he hit his head on the wall and fell to the floor. He thankfully didn’t black out, but he saw lots of stars and dots. His head felt like he had just been hit with a bowling ball, and he couldn’t move his back, as there was the huge shard stuck in him that hurt when he moved. We’re all going to die, he realized.

However, Isaac didn’t die, and and a bunch more agents charged into the room and engaged Unknown number one, while others pulled out the unconscious and injured victims of Unknown number one’s energy burst.

“Somebody tranquilize it!” yelled Freddy, as he shot his taser at Unknown number one. It was knocked away with a blast of energy. Isaac felt someone roll him onto a stretcher as he watched the unfortunate scene unfold before him, and he wondered how they could be so close to defeating the alien only to go back to square one.

“Everybody leave!” bellowed Donnovan Gaver. “I’ll deal with this! And lock the door as you leave!”

What is he talking about? wondered Isaac. He can’t defeat an alien supervillain by himself.

However, everybody did as they were told and left. An agent closed the door and locked Unknown number one and The I.S.U.E. boss in. Everybody waited for several torturous minutes, listening to the banging and booming coming from the room, and Isaac was filled to the brim with dread. Anytime now Unknown number one was going to burst through the door, he just knew it.

Suddenly, there was complete silence. Nobody breathed. It's going to come out and kill us, thought Isaac. Then... crash! The door fell down, and Donovan Gaver stood there covered in blood, and the alien lay unconscious on the floor.

How did he do it? wondered Isaac in amazement. The question was in the front of his mind for the rest of the day, and though he felt relieved, he couldn’t figure it out. That was a feat half of the I.S.U.E. agents couldn’t accomplish with military-grade weapons. Who was the boss of I.S.U.E. exactly?


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Sat Jun 13, 2020 9:56 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whatever time it is when you see this),

So I'm back for the second half of the chapters,

First Impression: ACTION!!! And good action too. This is so much better than the first time we got to see the dragon.

Anyway on with it,

As fast as he could, Shadowscale leapt into the air towards the helicopters, a fireball forming in his mouth. As he came closer, two missiles launched from one of them. Shadowscale dodged the missiles easily, only to find that they were turning around and coming back at him. He flew around the helicopter that had shot at him, and the missiles crashed into the aircraft, detonating. The remaining scraps fell to the ground. I wish I didn’t have to kill them. He thought. Then as the next helicopter opened fire with guns, Shadowscale felt his shoulder rip open, blood spilling out.

I like this. Shows the readers that he does actually care for humans. Despite his dismissal of them as puny he does not enjoy killing them and cares about them.

Shadowscale gritted his teeth, ignoring the pain. He opened his mouth, releasing a huge fireball straight at the helicopter, incinerating it, all the while dodging more missiles. As the missiles chased him around, he ripped another helicopter to shreds with his claws.

Here it would do some good to get a sense of scale for how big Shadowscale is. Or else we can't easily picture a full size helicopter being taken out by claws.

Also did that helicopter just turn to smoke?

“You’ve been brainwashed. It’s as clear as day,” said Isaac.

“No I have not! You don’t understand, he’s not the culprit-” argued the girl, Alice, but Isaac interrupted.

“He’s killed tons of people, Alice. Don’t you understand? He’s evil.”

“He’s been framed is what,” was the stubborn girl’s response. “Anyway, how are you even part of these people? You’re like, my age.”

“Donovan Gaver cares about ability, not age,” answered Isaac. Just then, the helicopter jolted. The girl shrieked.

“What was that?” she demanded.

“Unknown number one woke up. Don’t worry, we’ll put him to sleep again, he can’t do anything to you anymore,” Isaac told her. Why do I have to have this job? Why can’t someone else have the duty of calming this girl down? thought Isaac, already knowing the answer. He was young, and he didn’t look “scary” like most of the other agents did.

““Do anything to me”? He hasn’t done anything to me!” she yelled. “You’re so thick!”

Isaac decided to just ignore her. Unknown number one has obviously messed with her mind. I’ll just wait for a while and see if she comes back to reason, thought Isaac. Maybe someone more “scary” would be a good idea.

This is a really good and very realistic conversation for the two backgrounds these two come from.

“How did you find us?” she asked.

I like the way she says "us". It subtle and tells us that she's become more accepting of Shadowscale as a good person.

Isaac stood in the wonderfully empty elevator, heading to floor five. He arrived just in time to see Unknown number one being transported into the room via the H.E.R.D. (Helicopter Emergency Roof Door.) (Seems weird to have an acronym for a door but okay) He must be too big to move through human-sized passageways, considered Isaac, the closest he ever got to a joke.

Finally, there was a large, titanium muzzle put over his face. (That's quite a lot of titanium)

“Good. We don’t want him getting loose,” answered a man standing right in front of the table, looking down at Unknown number one. It’s Donnoven Gaver! thought Isaac. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised he’s here though. After all, this mission was(is? The mission is technically not declared as finished) our top priority.

“I find it interesting that it looks remarkably like a dragon,” said the scientist to Donnoven. “And it seems like one too, with an internal temperature of 1422°C.,(Very nitpicky point: This is America so you'd expect them to use Fahrenheit not Celsius) which is just barely hot enough to melt steel, though fortunately not hot enough to melt titanium,” he continued, staring at a screen.

“Blurg?” went Unknown number one. Then he seemed to realize what was happening. “Blurg!” he roared. He began thrashing against the cuffs, and the titanium muzzle began to turn red, with a wave of heat hitting Isaac in the face.

"Blurg reminds me of a baby somehow. Not a terrifying dragon roar. Might be just me.

Unknown number ones’ (Maybe use the creature or something. This unknown number one thing is a tad overused) muzzle began to turn orange, and the room got even hotter. After that, the creature shrank, and Isaac began to panic. It’ll get out of the cuffs! he thought. Fortunately, however, the cuffs moved inward and folded in on themselves, shrinking and adjusting with Unknown number one. When he was finished shrinking, Unknown number one spoke, not muzzled any more.

Cool tech those handcuffs.

“Uh-Oh,” said the scientist, just as a blue ball of energy appeared in(Huh? In his eyes?) Unknown number one. The ball rapidly expanded outward, wrecking everything it went through. Then, it exploded, sending agents and metal flying outward. Isaac was one of those agents, and he felt a sharp piece of glass stab him in the side, just as he hit his head on the wall and fell to the floor. He thankfully didn’t black out, but he saw lots of stars and dots. His head felt like he had just been hit with a bowling ball, and he couldn’t move his back, as there was the huge shard stuck in him that hurt when he moved. We’re all going to die, he realized.

Another example of great action.

However, Isaac didn’t die, (This feels like a narrator all of a sudden) and and a bunch more agents charged into the room and engaged Unknown number one, while others pulled out the unconscious and injured victims of Unknown number one’s energy burst.

What is he talking about? wondered Isaac. He can’t defeat an alien supervillain by himself.

Good insight.

Suddenly, there was complete silence. Nobody breathed. It's going to come out and kill us, thought Isaac. Then... crash! The door fell down, and Donovan Gaver stood there covered in blood, and the alien lay unconscious on the floor.

Ohh! I hope we get to see this fight later from Shadowscale's POV.

How did he do it? wondered Isaac in amazement. The question was in the front of his mind for the rest of the day, and though he felt relieved, he couldn’t figure it out. That was a feat half of the I.S.U.E. agents couldn’t accomplish with military-grade weapons. Who was the boss of I.S.U.E. exactly?

And as usual an amazing and catchy ending.

Overall I now have a new favorite chapter. This has some really good action and gives us some more info on Isaac and Alice. Also this boss. I have my suspicions but I suppose we'll find out soon enough.

Anyway the reviawathon continues.

Stay Safe :)
Harry




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Sun Mar 22, 2020 4:40 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey there!

So I'm finally onto the chapter you actually asked me to review! I will try to offer more of a complete overview of the story as well as structural comments. I apologise if my reviews have seemed harsh/pedantic/picky but that's just my style, I prefer to criticise and tell people how their stories could become even better! So please don't take offense!

Okay, so as always, my main criticism is CHARACTERISATION!!!!!! I like Isaac and Shadowscale but I wish we could see more of their personality through speech, how their feeling in 3rd person etc. And Alice needs so much more work, because I want to like her - she's had a massive tragedy in her life and I want to know how she feels about it, if she misses her family but she seems just kind of... meh. I don't know. She's really lacking.

Overall, I love the plot! The story is excellent, it's unique, and you've left so much unanswered that I will definitely read on when you publish more. If you've edited any of the previous chapters using advice from reviews I'd also love to read them and give further feedback.

Shadowscale is by far my favourite character. I hope nothing bad happens to him! He's such a unique idea for a character, and the fact that some people believe he's good and some that he's bad makes him even more interesting.

I think you're moving the story on way to fast. You don't need to be afraid to have a chapter which is one long scene dragged out. Make sure you have a balance of dialogue, description and action so it doesn't get boring. You've nailed the action, but like I've said before there is so much opportunity for amazing and unique descriptions that you have missed! These are places I can't really imagine - secret under ground bases, explosions, DRAGONS! I need your description to help make the images in my mind more clear as I'm reading!

Anyway, I am enjoying this story! I look forward to the next part :-)

“Everybody find cover! Now!” shouted Shadowscale.

This is a nice opening. Straight to the point. It also tells us that Shadowscale does care for saving other people and makes it even more frustrating that the I.S.U.E is after him!

As fast as he could, Shadowscale leapt into the air towards the helicopters, a fireball forming in his mouth. As he came closer, two missiles launched from one of them. Shadowscale dodged the missiles easily, only to find that they were turning around and coming back at him. He flew around the helicopter that had shot at him, and the missiles crashed into the aircraft, detonating. The remaining scraps fell to the ground. I wish I didn’t have to kill them. He thought. Then as the next helicopter opened fire with guns, Shadowscale felt his shoulder rip open, blood spilling out.

This is a really nice action paragraph. This is probably one of the best action scenes you've written! I'd love to see more like this.

***
“You’ve been brainwashed. It’s as clear as day,” said Isaac.
“No I have not! You don’t understand, he’s not the culprit-” argued the girl, Alice, but Isaac interrupted.
“He’s killed tons of people, Alice. Don’t you understand? He’s evil.”
“He’s been framed is what,” was the stubborn girl’s response. “Anyway, how are you even part of these people? You’re like, my age.”
“Donovan Gaver cares about ability, not age,” answered Isaac. Just then, the helicopter jolted. The girl shrieked.
“What was that?” she demanded.
“Unknown number one woke up. Don’t worry, we’ll put him to sleep again, he can’t do anything to you anymore,” Isaac told her. Why do I have to have this job? Why can’t someone else have the duty of calming this girl down? thought Isaac, already knowing the answer. He was young, and he didn’t look “scary” like most of the other agents did.
““Do anything to me”? He hasn’t done anything to me!” she yelled. “You’re so thick!”

Yes! This dialogue gets across both Isaac's and Alice's characters! More of this in the previous chapters would really help establish their personalities way earlier. You have to be really clever when writing in 3rd person in order to get their personalities across and I think you're almost there.

Isaac and the girl sat in silence on their separate benches, opposite of each other. On either side of the benches were the walls of the helicopter, and in them a large glass window each. Isaac and the girl were sittingon the left side, and the girl had her back to the wall which separated them from the pilot’s seat.

You've basically repeated yourself here. I'd get rid off the second sentence entirely, it's not really needed.

“Uh-Oh,” said the scientist, just as a blue ball of energy appeared in Unknown number one. The ball rapidly expanded outward, wrecking everything it went through. Then, it exploded, sending agents and metal flying outward. Isaac was one of those agents, and he felt a sharp piece of glass stab him in the side, just as he hit his head on the wall and fell to the floor. He thankfully didn’t black out, but he saw lots of stars and dots. His head felt like he had just been hit with a bowling ball, and he couldn’t move his back, as there was the huge shard stuck in him that hurt when he moved. We’re all going to die, he realized.

Another really nice paragraph here.

However, Isaac didn’t die, and and a bunch more agents charged into the room and engaged Unknown number one, while others pulled out the unconscious and injured victims of Unknown number one’s energy burst.

I'd recommend splitting this into two sentences, and you've repeated 'and' twice.

What is he talking about? wondered Isaac. He can’t defeat an alien supervillain by himself.

Another nice insight into Isaac's character!

How did he do it? wondered Isaac in amazement. The question was in the front of his mind for the rest of the day, and though he felt relieved, he couldn’t figure it out. That was a feat half of the I.S.U.E. agents couldn’t accomplish with military-grade weapons. Who was the boss of I.S.U.E. exactly?

I like that you ended on a rhetorical question.






Thanks for the review! And no, I haven't edited my previous chapters, because I'm going to completely finish the story first, and then go back and write the second draft and do editing and stuff. Also, You've given me a good idea of my strengths and weaknesses.

Strengths: plot, ideas, action scenes.

weaknesses: personalities, description, pacing. (too fast)

So again, thanks!



4revgreen says...


That's a good idea - that's what I'm doing with my story too! :-)



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Sat Mar 07, 2020 11:48 pm
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hello Necromancer14! Thanks again for requesting a review, and I am excited to see where this next chapter takes the story. If I remember correctly, Isaac has appeared at the "base" (hideout, building, setting) to where Alice, Shadowscale and the other major organization were at.

Sheesh, this chapter starts with a literal bang! I like that the reader will be able to see how powerful Shadowscale, or how must characters view him, the alien can be, and that he can take a missile to his side and not totally die? That is some strength there. Plus, there's a bit more of his personality that doesn't come across in the short conversations between him and Alice, about him being remorseful towards killing the humans. To be fair, they did seem there to cause him wreckage, but at least he's not dead himself on the vehicle Alice was taken on as well.

I would totally imagine that Isaac has been told any of these outside entities could be dangerous, and from what he thinks he's seen about Shadowscale, (destroying a neighborhood, killing people), there's probably not a single thought through his head that what he knows is wrong or misguided. Him trying to talk with Alice, with them being the same approximate age but in totally different living styles/knowledge about the world is a little humorous. Especially because I assume it's rather frustrating for both participants in the conversation.

I imagine that waking up after getting hit by a literal missile isn't going to feel great, so I can understand Shadowscale wanting to do whatever it took to get himself off of this vehicle, but I wasn't expecting him to be able to burn down his cuffs and throwout more fireballs? Interesting! I also forgot that he can look like an actual dragon, so reading it from Isaac's view was kinda funny.

I think this was a solid chapter, and it feels like a decent blend between action and dialogue, while adding more to Isaac's character. I am wondering where Alice will really play a role in this, but I do think she might be trying to help Shadowscale get out of this I.S.U.E. place, as she doesn't agree with Isaac's view toward the alien. Nicely done so far! I'm looking forward to the next section!






Thanks for the review!




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