Shadowscale stared at the girl, barely believing his eyes. There are more cosmic dragons on Earth? And what did she mean by “daddy’s work building”? Surely she isn’t… Redslash’s… daughter?
“Felicity! What are you doing?” yelled the woman behind the girl, grabbing her hand and pulling her back.
Just at that moment, Redslash burst out from the bunker, his crimson scales flashing in the sun.
“Shadowscale I will kill-” began Redslash, but then he saw the girl and the woman. “Is that… Lillian? What are you doing here, and with our daughter? I thought I told you both to stay in China!”
“A little girl shouldn’t grow up without her father!” said the woman, who Shadowscale presumed was Lillian.
“Daddy, who is that black dragon? I thought you said that there weren’t any other dragons,” spoke the girl, Felicity. She crossed her arms and stared at Redslash accusatorially.
Shadowscale looked back and forth between Redslash, Felicity and Lillian. What is going on? Redslash of all people has a family?
“Hey, Felicity dear, daddy will explain about this other dragon later, ok?” said Redslash. He then turned to Lillian, and in a more impatient tone, said “Look, I’m really busy right now, could we maybe have this conversation another time?”
“No, we are going to have this conversation right now! You’re never home, you’re always here, in the U.S. doing whatever it is you’re doing. Look, I don’t care about taking over the world like you do; I just want us to be a happy family together. Is that too much to ask?” Lillian said, her voice starting to crack near the end.
“You know I love you and our daughter,” said Redslash.
“But do you though? Or did you just marry me because I was the only female dragon on this planet other than my mother?” asked Lillian.
“That’s not true! I love you, I really do! Taking over the world will allow us to have the best life together. What’s gotten into you?”
“Who cares if it will give us the ‘best life’ or whatever, at this rate, your daughter will have grown up by the time you’re finished getting us this ‘best life’ at which point it won’t matter anymore!”
Redslash clenched his claws, and Shadowscale could sense energy building up in the red dragon. Uh oh, I have a feeling that that’s going to be directed at me, Shadowscale thought.
“This is all your fault!” roared Redslash, lunging at Shadowscale with renewed vigor. “Without you, I could have taken over the world by now!”
Shadowscale leapt backwards as fast as he could, barely avoiding the massive explosion of the expanding blue energy sphere that Redslash threw at him.
“Donny, tell me who this other dragon is!” yelled Lillian. “And why are you fighting him? Do you need my help?”
If she starts helping him my chances will go from really bad to zero, thought Shadowscale. And if I win this fight she’ll definitely attack me if she’s his wife. How do I win this situation? Shadowscale then immediately thought of a solution, but decided he was definitely not going to do that. That’s despicable, I can’t. Kidnapping the girl and threatening to kill her is not something I’m willing to do. Also Redslash would probably call my bluff anyway.
“Lillian, I don’t need help! I can do this by myself,” roared Redslash, chasing after Shadowscale.
He’s right, he really doesn’t need her help, thought Shadowscale. I’m pretty much too beat up to fight anymore, the best I can do is just try and escape. Shadowscale closed his eyes and concentrated. Just as he was about to teleport, Redslash grabbed him by the tail.
“Oh no you don’t!” said Redslash just as Shadowscale teleported in a flash of lightning. Shadowscale reappeared up in the sky, above the smog being created by some nearby factories. Unfortunately, Redslash was with him and had him by the tail.
“I won’t let you escape this time. I’m going to kill you,” said Redslash with an icy cold tone.
Shadowscale blasted Redslash with a stream of fire, launching him off. He noticed that Lillian was sensing him and Redslash’s location. I hope she doesn’t decide to teleport up here too. He realized that that was not very likely, considering that to do that she would have to leave her daughter by herself, which in his experience was not something mothers usually did.
“Look, Redslash, I agree with your wife that you should live with your family instead of trying to go after world domination,” said Shadowscale.
“Shut up! Nobody asked you,” was Redslash’s reply as he swooped towards Shadowscale.
Shadowscale, however, had forgotten that one of his wings was broken, so he started heading into a freefall while he desperately tried to stay afloat with his good wing. He also felt completely exhausted and he had lost a lot of blood. Thankfully, his blood was much faster at clotting than humans and most mammals’ blood did, but he still was covered snout to tail in sizable gouges. He closed his eyes and concentrated again. Just as he fell below the clouds, he teleported again back on top of the I.S.U.E. bunker, and collapsed.
“Mommy is the black dragon all right?” asked Felicity, apparently noticing his injuries. “It looks like he has some boo-boos. Did daddy hurt him?”
“I don’t want to die,” groaned Shadowscale, attempting to stand up. He failed, and fell back down, wincing as his broken wing hit the ground.
“Well that’s just too bad,” said Redslash, who had just appeared. He raised his claw for the killing blow.
“Donny! What are you doing?” screamed Lillian.
Redslash brought his claw down towards Shadowscale’s neck. Shadowscale closed his eyes trying to mentally prepare himself to die. This is the end, he thought.
Shadowscale lay there with his eyes closed. Why am not I dead? He thought. He opened his eyes, and could scarcely believe what he was seeing.
Standing next to him stood a young woman with gold colored eyes. Her hair was blonde, but had a blue streak in it, and it was tied into a neat ponytail. She was holding a comically large, gold colored glowing sword, and she was blocking Redslash’s claw with the flat of the blade.
“Hello. My name is Oriella, leader of the Global Defense Agency. It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Shadowscale and Mr. Gaver.”
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 20Points:
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Happy Review Day!
Ok I've done the terrible thing and joined this book towards the end of it. I'm hoping I'll get a chance to go back and read the earlier chapters at some point, but for now I've skimmed over a few to give me an idea of who the characters are and what's going on. If I mention something that you've already covered in a previous chapter, then please feel free to ignore me! (Also, for some reason my spell check isn't working properly so you'll have to forgive any errors!)
I think one thing that could help this flow a bit better is some consideration of dialogue tags. You use 'said' quite a lot here, and whilst it can help to clarify who's speaking, it does become a bit repetitive to read.
For example, in this section:
I would rephrase to something like “Shut up! Nobody asked you." Redslash swooped towards Shadowscale.
That way, we know who is speaking without you having told us. There are a few instances in this chapter where you do that well, but I think it's something to look out for when you're editing.
I liked the tension you introduced with Shadowscale forgetting he was injured, although I wasn't worried for him for very long! I'm also interested by the cliffhanger you've left us on at the end of the chapter so I guess it looks like I'll be reading the next one too!
Icy
Hey! Finished chapters 17 and 18, and now reading chapter 19.
I like how we're returning to Shadowscale after the Alice / Issac chapter, but it is a bit jarring to go back to it immediately after the Issac portion. I know I already mentioned this, but I think placing the Issac section earlier would work better.
I'm also a bit confused, and this might entirely be because I'm entering the book at the climax. In chapter 17, Donovan / Redslash, exiled from his home galaxy and now bent on domination of Earth, was clearly depicted as a villain. He is here too, but he also has a wife and daughter. There is some distance in that relationship, but they use pet names too such as "Donny," and he takes a minute to talk to his daughter as if he's in the middle of an important meeting rather than an epic fight. Villains can have loving families too, but introducing the family like this softens Donovan to a very great extent. So great that I'm now wondering who the true villain is. Up to this point in the fight, it kind of seems like Shadowscale is instigating events.
If that's not your intent, then my recommendation would be to remove the wife and daughter altogether from this scene. They just don't seem to have any point other than to slow things down for a beat and to soften Donovan.
That being said, I really like how this chapter ends. Oriella stepping in with a gold sword is the perfect cliffhanger.