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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Cosmic Dragon: Chapter 17

by Necromancer14


Shadowscale stared at the massive, red dragon in front of him. So this is what Donnovan looks like in his true form, thought Shadowscale. Donnovan was bigger and bulkier than Shadowscale, who was more slim and a bit smaller. How am I supposed to beat someone who is bigger and stronger than me? Thought Shadowscale. Regardless, I have to try.

Shadowscale looked into Donnovan’s eyes, and Donnovan looked back as they both breathed heavily. The entire hallway around them was completely collapsed from their transformations, and there were scorch marks on the two stories they were on. Shadowscale dug his claws into the ground, ready to launch himself forward.

The two dragons launched towards each other, dodging with inhuman reflexes and blasting fire everywhere. Random office agents screamed and ran, shouting about Unknown number one as the building around them was torn up. Shadowscale roared as Donnovan slammed him through a support beam.

“Don’t you care if the building collapses?” Shadowscale asked, yelling. Donnovan growled, ignoring Shadowscale, and a blue energy ball struck Shadowscale, launching him upwards. Donnovan launched up after him, but Shadowscale clawed his face.

“This is my planet! So stop interfering!” yelled Donnovan.

“And who decided that this was your planet? You? You can’t just attack random planets and enslave the population! That’s against the draconic code,” replied Shadowscale.

“Look at you, the nice little wyrmling who follows the rules. Well guess what, nobody is going to stop me, including you. This planet is hopeless, I might as well claim it for myself.”

“You’re wrong, I will stop you, Donnovan,” retorted Shadowscale.

“How? You can’t even beat me, let alone the military airforce which will arrive any minute now,” laughed Donnovan. “And my real name isn’t Donnovan– it’s Redslash.”

“You mean the criminal who was exiled?” gasped Shadowscale.

“That’s right. They shoved me into a space pod, then used an Intergalactic teleporter, I don’t remember the exact model, to throw me into the neighboring galaxy, which was this one. Once I was in the Milky Way, I used the scanner on the pod to find a habitable planet and now here I am, on the only habitable planet in this entire cursed galaxy!” roared Redslash bitterly, leaping at Shadowscale with renewed vigor.

Shadowscale didn’t reply, because he was too busy trying to defend himself from Redslash’s vicious attacks. He’s stronger than me. He’s faster than me. He has more resources than me. How in the universe am I supposed to defeat him? Outsmart him? But I’m not sure that I’m smarter than him either. He’s a warrior; I am just an average dragon who wants to go home.

Shadowscale’s thoughts were interrupted when Alice and the man came back.

“Donnovan sir, the prisoners are all gone!” yelled Alice.

“What? What do you mean they’re ‘all gone’?” roared Redslash, his voice shaking the entire building.

Now is my chance, thought Shadowscale. If I can get to Alice, fixing her memories should be child’s play, much easier than creating fake ones at least, and then she can help me fight Redslash. He closed his eyes and concentrated. I have to make sure not to let the tele-magnets pull me to the cell again. I have to be decisive about where I teleport to.

Redslash roared yet again as Shadowscale disappeared in a flash of lightning, reappearing in front of Alice. Before she could react, Shadowscale put his claw to her forehead, activating her blocked neurons. Alice stumbled back, with a confused expression on her face, which then slowly cleared as she got her bearings about everything.

“I see,” she said, and tears began forming in her eyes. “Thank you, Shadowscale.”

“Stop ruining everything!” boomed Redslash, louder than ever, and he ripped through the air towards Shadowscale. Shadowscale intercepted him, and they resumed their fight, crashing through more support beams. As they fought, Alice turned towards the man.

“Kill the girl, Randy! She has been brainwashed by Shadowscale!” ordered Redslash.

The man, Randy, turned towards Alice, who was staring at her green veins in horror. He leapt at her, but she turned with incredible reflexes and engaged him, blocking his punch. The two of them then began fighting each other with a series of kicks and punches. Shadowscale saw out of the corner of his vision Alice getting hit with a roundhouse kick and being launched through a wall. I hope she can take him down, because I am in no condition to help right now. Unfortunately, it appears that she is losing the fight.

Shadowscale desperately tried to think of some way to win the situation, but his mind didn’t come up with any good ideas. Also, what did Alice mean when she said the prisoners were all gone? Did they escape? I hope so. Sadly I don’t have time to worry about them right now.

At that moment, Redslash body-slammed Shadowscale’s already bruised and bleeding body, and he crashed through the floor into a room with a cylinder and green liquid. His tumbling was stopped by the cylinder, which he knocked over. The cylinder broke, spilling green goo everywhere. There were a bunch of wires and tubes that were ripped out of the floor, and a robotic arm fell from the ceiling as Shadowscale forced himself to get up. I’m getting lightheaded. This is not good, I’m losing too much blood.

Shadowscale had several cuts from Redslash using his claws to rip gouges out of Shadowscale’s hide. He also noticed that one of his wings was broken. I should teleport out of here. Wait, no, I can’t just leave Alice here… but what choice do I have?

“You… you destroyed it!” lamented Redslash. “You’re ruining everything! Even though you’re losing the fight, you keep breaking my assets! Just die already!”

With that, Redslash once again barreled towards Shadowscale. Shadowscale turned and fled, smashing through walls, trying to get away from his opponent. I don’t want to die. I don’t want Alice to die. I don’t want Dr. Remington or any of the scientists to die. Actually, I don’t want anyone to die, except maybe Redslash.

Shadowscale burst out from the underground bunker, into the direct sunlight. Off to his left, he could see New York City skyscrapers. Thankfully, there were no buildings around the I.S.U.E. base. Then he turned and looked to his right. Standing there was a young girl, and behind her was an older looking woman wearing sunglasses. The girl made a pouty expression.

“Hey, why are you destroying daddy’s work building?” she shouted up at him. Shadowscale then noticed that the girl's eyes were glowing bright blue.


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User avatar
425 Reviews


Points: 11417
Reviews: 425

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2023 5:57 pm
Nate wrote a review...



Hey Necromancer! Like @LadySpark, I'm jumping into this in the middle, but I like what I'm reading. If I'm reading it correctly, this is set in a universe where dragons exist, some people are able to turn themselves into dragons, and there's some type of spacefaring civilization.

First, I like how you explain the action. Fight scenes can be very difficult to write for a variety of reasons. You don't want to do a punch by punch report because that gets boring, but you also want to convey the brutality and chaos that is going on not only between the fighters but around them.

Here, you do a good job of going back and forth. There's dialogue, internal thoughts, and external action. Meanwhile, there's also clearly a chaotic scene with service workers running around and buildings falling down. There's also a secondary battle going on between Alice and Randy, which adds to the general feeling of chaos. I think something that may help with that is to actually reduce how much description is given to Alice and Randy's fight. Instead, say something like, "Shadowscale squinted through sweat and blood, but could only get a vague idea of the fighters." Make things confusing and ill-discerned.

Besides the Alice and Randy fight, another area that could do with less exposition is this:

“That’s right. They shoved me into a space pod, then used an Intergalactic teleporter, I don’t remember the exact model, to throw me into the neighboring galaxy, which was this one. Once I was in the Milky Way, I used the scanner on the pod to find a habitable planet and now here I am, on the only habitable planet in this entire cursed galaxy!” roared Redslash bitterly, leaping at Shadowscale with renewed vigor.


Would Donnovan / Redslash really say something like, "I don't remember the exact model"? And would he really explain how he used a scanner to find Earth? He might, and maybe that's his character. But in reading this chapter, I get the idea that he would use fewer words. Something like: "That's right. They shoved me into a space pod and then exiled me to your cursed galaxy." Later on, maybe you can weave in how Earth is the only habitable planet, but again, I feel like that's not something he would say in the middle of a fight.

Hope that helps! Overall, I enjoyed it.




User avatar
355 Reviews


Points: 2099
Reviews: 355

Donate
Sun Feb 26, 2023 2:16 pm
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi there!

I haven't read your other chapters of this, so I'm just going to give you a few thoughts I notice while I read this chapter.

“And who decided that this was your planet? You? You can’t just attack random planets and enslave the population! That’s against the draconic code,” replied Shadowscale.

“Look at you, the nice little wyrmling who follows the rules. Well guess what, nobody is going to stop me, including you. This planet is hopeless, I might as well claim it for myself.”

“You’re wrong, I will stop you, Donnovan,” retorted Shadowscale.

“How? You can’t even beat me, let alone the military airforce which will arrive any minute now,” laughed Donnovan. “And my real name isn’t Donnovan– it’s Redslash.”

“You mean the criminal who was exiled?” gasped Shadowscale.


I think this reveal could benefit from some buildup. It seems like a pretty big deal, so I would suggested letting it play out a little longer. Perhaps Shadowscale sees Donovan and thinks about how they resemble Redslash, or some other foreshadowing to make it a little more dramatic.

I have to be decisive about where I teleport to.

This struck me as weird wording. Maybe be more clear or say something like "I need to be clear in my decision on where I want to teleport to".

He also noticed that one of his wings was broken.

This is an example where you could have slowed down and showed us instead of telling us what was going on with Shadowscale during the battle. Show us when his wing gets broken and how it impacts his thinking, his fighting, and his defending!


Great cliffhanger for the end! Love that!

Overall, it was a great start to a really exciting chapter with some really cool battles. I would really lean into that and enjoy it. It's not often you get to write about two dragons fighting each other!

xo
Spark





Painting is poetry that is seen rather than felt, and poetry is painting that is felt rather than seen.
— Leonardo da Vinci