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Young Writers Society


18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 8

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Carris slumped against the wall. It was cold and hard, and no matter which way she shifted some piece of stone seemed to lodge itself in her back. At last she stood with a grunt. The pain in her hip was beginning to come back, a dull throbbing pain. She grimaced as she paced to the other side of the cave. The whole thing was maybe thirty feet by twenty, just enough to give the townsfolk enough space, but not so much that anyone felt overly comfortable.

A hand on Carris's armed caused her to turn. Gwyn stood there, blanket outstretched across her arms.

"I found an extra one. Thought you deserved it."

Carris cocked her head to the side. "Deserved it? Why?"

"For saving us!" she blurted out, her voice echoing off the walls. A few murmurs from those trying to sleep on the miserably rough ground growled at her to be quiet.

She put both hands over her mouth, but Carris could see the corners of her mouth tugging upward.

Carris lowered her voice. "Are you smiling?"

Gwyn shrugged, pushing the blanket into Carris's arms. "Maybe a little. We could have died. Would have died!" she whispered hoarsely, eyes growing wider than a dinner plate it seemed.

Carris wrapped the blanket around herself, leaving one arm hanging out like a bird beckoning its chick for protection. Gwyn snuck underneath and Carris hugged her with the one hand.

"I just tried to do the right thing."

Gwyn smiled up at her. "I know. You always do."

"Not always, Blew my temper at Malcolm. And there was that time I knocked him into the creek."

Gwyn shrugged. "He is a mean boy though."

Carris couldn't help the smile that broke her stoic face. "Yes he is. But do you think he deserved that?" Carris hesitated. She could let Gwyn answer which she knew was bound to happen. But somehow she beat Gwyn to it.

"Do you think my mother deserved it?" Carris felt her chest tighten.

There was something in her that felt as if even asking the question proved how little good she possessed. .Obeying and honoring parents was a simple thing, something that every Astorian learned. And that obedience and honor led from parents to town marshals, to captains, all the way to the king himself!

There was silence for a moment. "Deserved what?" Gwyn asked softly.

She doesn't know. She didn't see.

Carris let the blanket slip off her back as she reached for the nearest wall and sank down to the frozen ground. She looked up into Gwyn's wide eyes, now mixed with a light of curiosity.

"My mother is dead." Carris choked a little bit on those words. Then smacked herself mentally. There was no need for emotion like that. Especially not for her mom.

Gwyn brought both hands to her mouth and sank down on her knees, taking Carris's hands in her own. "I'm so sorry!" Tears sprang to her eyes. "I didn't know. I should've realized she wasn't in the cave but I was helping with the blankets and this whole time you been dealing with that an-"

"Hey, hey, hey." Carris said, gripping Gwyn's hands firmly and then lifting her chin. "I'm alright." She faked her best smile. "There are bigger things going on right now. We need to help these people through the night, right?"

Maybe if I believe my own lies...

Gwyn shook her head. "But aren't you sad? You need a hug! Something." And Gwyn wrapped both arms around Carris who gently returned the favor. A knife twisted in her soul.

"Gwyn, it's going to be alright."

Why does she care more than I do?

There was silence for a moment. Usually Gwyn would already be replying. Perhaps the events had stayed her tongue for once. Finally, voice just above a whisper so that Carris had to lean in, she asked “what are we going to do?”

Carris sighed. Leave this place for good. “I don’t know. Devlin said we would try to wait it out in here. Perhaps that Sadorians will leave us alone.”

“What if they don’t?” Gwyn’s voice rose in pitch and volume, and she gripped Carris’s hand. “What if they find us?”

Carris thought she gave a weak smile, but in honesty it may have come out as more of a grimace. “That’s a good question. I’m sure we can figure something out.” She pointed to the back of the cave where a crevice loomed in the shadows. “Maybe go through there?”

Gwyn was already shaking her head sideways. “There’s a monster in there Carris!”

Carris tilted her head. “What do you mean? Those old bones?”

Gwyn nodded, eye flitting from the dark hole back to Carris. “Yes. Something ate those poor animals.”

Carris laughed, but her heart felt cold. “I’m sure they’re very old. Maybe We should take a look?”

“You go first,” Gwyn squeaked.

Carris stood. “I think I will. Monsters sound exciting.”

There was something about the beasts of Astoria that was quite majestic and awe-inspiring, from the rough sketches of deep sea creatures near the murky water by the Cliffs of Dalen, to the deep forests where supposed giant wolves hunted. Not to mention the snow dragons and night ghouls of Sadoria. Something about them always got to Carris.

“Why do you think monsters would be exciting?” Gwyn growled, standing beside Carris.

Carris smiled. As much as she may not want to go, Gwyn would follow Carris to the end of the earth in a heartbeat. Even if it meant facing scary monsters.

“There’s just something beautifully terrifying about them. The way the scales of a dragon interlock to form such beautiful tapestries or designs. Can you imagine a dragon-scale necklace? One of the snow dragons with white and blue interlocking scales?” Carris’s voice rose with excitement.. “Or how warm and yet light a wolfs fur can be inside a jacket? It would be perfect for the lower mountain regions where it’s not so cold as up here, and yet chilly enough.”

Gwyn wrinkled her nose. “But the problem is that you have to go get those from living animals. I’d rather be cold and alive then fancy and dead.”

Carris laughed, a warm, light laugh. “Perhaps I could just pay someone to get the items for me?”

Gwyn raised both shoulders.”What money?”

Carris narrowed her eyes in a tight smirk, pointing to where she had originally sank against the wall across the cave. Her jar leaned against the wall. “I saved my jar.”

“You mean you saved us and your money?” Gwyn’s voice exploded in the cave. Her eyes were wider than before. “You’re so fast Carris!”

Carris laughed, putting a finger to her lips, trying shush Gwyn between the giggles. “Not that fast.”

Gwyn shook her head. “No. Very fast. You saved us and got your money, and then still got to the cave. Very fast.”

Carris shrugged her shoulders, walking towards the dark hole in the back wall. “Try to keep up,” she winked. “They say I can be quite fast when I want to be.”

She was reached the dark hole, peering into a formless void. “Grab that torch,” she instructed Gwyn who returned in moments with the torch. “Let’s go find a monster.”


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Sat Oct 07, 2023 5:20 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Slowly but surely, I shall catch up to those ones still in the Green Room watch someone beat me to it just when I'm ready to review them.

She grimaced as she paced to the other side of the cave. The whole thing was maybe thirty feet by twenty, just enough to give the townsfolk enough space, but not so much that anyone felt overly comfortable.

This is really helpful scene setting - her attention to detail is definitely better than Devlin's here and it helps me picture it much better.

"Not always, Blew my temper at Malcolm. And there was that time I knocked him into the creek."

Gwyn shrugged. "He is a mean boy though."

Malcolm summed up in one sentence haha. Also Gwyn is just my favourite character so far <333

"My mother is dead." Carris choked a little bit on those words. Then smacked herself mentally. There was no need for emotion like that. Especially not for her mom.

This response totally makes sense, and I'm glad to see Carris starting to process some of this emotion because it's definitely gonna affect her going forward.

“Why do you think monsters would be exciting?” Gwyn growled, standing beside Carris.

'Growled' doesn't seem very Gwyn like. The whole monster conversation came a little out of nowhere for me - is it filler or is it some kind of foreshadowing? Either way, I think we need to be eased into it in a more natural way.

“Let’s go find a monster.”

Let's!

Ahh Devlin is not going to be happy when he learns they've gone poking around alone. The end of this needs a little tidying up I think, just because the emotions seem to be a bit all over the place. Shady & alliyah have captured that well below so I won't repeat but just wanted to echo those feelings. The progression of plot worked well though... I'm not sure whether to be scared of reading on if we're about to encounter a monster!

Catch you for chapter nine!

Icy




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Mon Sep 25, 2023 11:20 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



2 in a row!



Image

Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

A short one, just my thoughts!✨

All in all

A quick dive in the party!

I read chapter seven before this one, but I thought I'd just leave you with a review of this one. To be honest, I would be pissed at Devlin from Carris' point of view too, I mean he just shows up from nowhere, leads some kind of Sadorians to their hometown, helps kill them, hides with them and then just gives orders out of the blue. Who does he think he is, Professor Snape? LOL

I think Williwaw is one of my binge-worthy series on YWS. I read three chapters today because I was so curious. I'll be back soon with another review on another chapter.

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




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Wed May 26, 2021 5:56 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Loving the plot so far. And Gwyn is an absolute sweetheart. I shall protect her with my life.

A few murmurs from those trying to sleep on the miserably rough ground growled at her to be quiet.

It might be more realistic for them to growl at her to keep quiet because they're afraid of being found.

"There are bigger things going on right now. We need to help these people through the night, right?"

I'm sorry to say this is quite out of place. Just the last chapter, she proved to be pretty cold towards the townspeople when she refused to distribute blankets, and now she's saying they need to help them?

There was something about the beasts of Astoria that was quite majestic and awe-inspiring, from the rough sketches of deep sea creatures near the murky water by the Cliffs of Dalen, to the deep forests where supposed giant wolves hunted. Not to mention the snow dragons and night ghouls of Sadoria. Something about them always got to Carris.

I absolutely love good worldbuilding introduced without exposition dumps, and this was quite a smooth, clean way to insert it! It's got me quite interested in the fauna of your world, that's for sure. And Carris talking about making jewellery links back very well to her first conversation with Gwyn.

The ending was nice, but also a bit hurried. Carris went very quickly from crying to laughing. Gwyn's an angel, but perhaps you can mention how Carris still felt hollow, and had the urge to do something to distract herself from what had happened. Besides, the tension bled away quite quickly. Carris doesn't seem afraid at all, despite the fact that she'd be completely helpless if the Sadorians find them. And her sadness, like I said, also vanished.

Anyway, so far the story is still going rather well!
~ Lee




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 10:51 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Messenger,

Shady back for some more! I know I keep saying this (because it's true) but I'm just loving your characters and your plot and I'm super excited to see what happens next! Let's jump right on in...

The pain in her hip was beginning to come back, a dull throbbing pain.


So, describing pain is difficult. I run into this same issue when I'm trying to describe injuries on my main characters in my stories because, like, pain is pain, right? We don't have a ton of words to describe what pain is. It's just pain.

At the same time, the repetition of the word "pain" twice in the same sentence isn't a great literary choice. Maybe instead of "a dull throbbing pain" you could play around with "... come back, dull and throbbing, but still noticeable." Or something like that? That way you avoid repeating the word "pain" again but you're still describing what kind of pain she's feeling.

Alternatively you could also switch the order of the sentence and be like "The aching in her hip was beginning to come back, the pain dull and throbbing." There's plenty of ways you can rephrase this such that you only use the word "pain" once -- just play around with it and see which version works best for you.

Then smacked herself mentally. There was no need for emotion like that. Especially not for her mom.


Oh, come on, Carris. I get you're a rough and tumble sort of girl, and that your mother was awful, but she was still your mom. Grief is absolutely an acceptable emotion to posses for your mother's death, even if she was a terrible mother.

~ ~ ~

Ooh, Carris, noooo. It's making me so nervous that you're leaving your money behind. Everything in me is screaming that it's a bad idea. What if that little jerk Malcolm ends up with all of your hard earned money? Then where will you be. No, no, Carris, don't trust anyone -- take the money with you.

Otherwise, another excellent chapter haha. I like the character development here, solidifying the friendship between the girls. I am still v happy that Carris has a friend like Gwen in her corner -- especially now that all this went down and like her whole world is turned upside down, but she's still got her trusty friend with her and that just pleases me.

You are quite good at the intriguing cliffhangers as well! I mean it's not like a "a sword's coming down on me oh no" sort of tension in the cliffhangers -- but you do an excellent job of raising questions in my mind and making me want to read on to see what happens next, and that's just excellent. It took me a lot of work to learn how too end chapters with a hook, and I'm impressed at how easily that seems to come to you.

Great job! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:00 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Messenger, it's me again!

Plot Thoughts

The climax of this chapter seemed to be when Carris revealed to Gwyn that her mother had died and then revealed to the reader that she wasn't that torn up about it. The emotional tone of the piece flops back to positive and adventuress rather quick and it feels like a bit of a quick transition. For instance, it's a bit jarring for in one paragraph to read about Gwyn and Carris crying and hugging, and then a couple paragraphs later Gwyn is onto a completely different subject and Carris is joking, giggling, and winking about how fast she is. The subject and emotional change could be a bit more smooth - or it could be described as an intentional shift of attention for Carris if maybe she doesn't want to dwell on her mother's passing.

Character Comments

"Carris cocked her head to the side. "Deserved it? Why?"" This little exchange gives me some insight into Carris' character -> she seems to not think particularly highly of herself or is maybe overly defensive. That's a bit interesting, because in the last chapter I didn't quite get that impression. But I think it's good character depth, because the "silent treatment" in the last chapter made her seem a bit unreasonable and self-centered, but this definitely challenges those assumptions.

The way that Carris handles talking about her dead mother and diverting attention away from herself to the good of the group was also really interesting. She seems very concerned for others' wellbeing even if it is at an emotional or physical cost to herself.

This was also a really good instance of you sneaking in some character-insight without it feeling like an info-dump or unrelated to the plot; "Obeying and honoring parents was a simple thing, something that every Astorian learned. And that obedience and honor led from parents to town marshals, to captains, all the way to the king himself!"

This is probably due to me not having read the preceeding chapters but I'm curious is Gwyn is older than Carris or a contemporary. At the beginning it seemed like Gwyn was almost a maternal figure for Carris in the moment; wrapping her in the blanket, but then as she gets scared of the monster I wondered if they were the same age.

Nit-Picks/Little Comments

"A hand on Carris's armed caused her to turn." -> "armed" should be "arm" I believe.

"Carris wrapped the blanket around herself, leaving one arm hanging out like a bird beckoning its chick for protection. " I love that description!

There's a few instances where you describe characters doing an action to themselves "mentally" like in the last chapter you said Devlin "shrugged mentally" and here you say Carris "smacked herself mentally" --> I think it's an alright description but is also a bit awkward to read/imagine - so I'd be careful about over-using it.

"A knife twisted in her soul." <- this was a bit overly dramatic to me.

Overall, this chapter continued to have good tension - and I thought the dialogue between Gwynn and Carris was very strong. I didn't feel that the asides by Carris were distracting, but provided good insight to her internal processing. I didn't feel as interested in the cave/monster stuff, and am not quite understanding what they're trying to do - it almost feels like a separate chapter or scene.

As always, let me know if you had any questions about my review! :)

~alliyah

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Messenger says...


hey again/ Gwyn is just a little bit younger than carris like 14 to 16 respectively. But she has a very motherly take care of others attitude. I'll look into the tonal shift as well.



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Tue Sep 18, 2018 1:55 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I continue to love Gwyn. I love that at this moment she's able to smile because she realizes how much worse things could have been (although admittedly they could still get really bad again). Plus it's so sweet that she finds an extra blanket for Carris. Carris better appreciate the heck out of this girl.

With all this talk of monsters I'm now even more confused about the state of magic in this world. Are monsters like dragons typically the only ones people think have magic? Are the monsters not considered magical? I don't understand how magic exists in this world.

I like this extra characterization of Carris' fascination with monsters, but I feel like the urgency of Carris and Gwyn finding a back way out of the cave in case the Sadorians come searching for the townsfolk is lost in this fascination as the chapter ends on "let's go find a monster." It's cool that Carris is so interested in monsters, but it takes away some of the urgency that should be in this scene as the townsfolk huddle together terrified with their village burning somewhere outside.

Additionally, it felt sort of out of character for me that Carris tried to comfort Gwyn by telling blatant lies like "oh I'm sure the Sadorians will leave us alone." Uh, Carris, I don't even live here and I'm sure they won't leave you alone. I could see her comforting Gwyn, but trying to make a situation seem a lot less horrible than it definitely is doesn't feel like her style.




Messenger says...


Gwyn issss fantastic. I love writing her.

I use the terms monster as a general term here for animals that in Velhurland (Astoria Sadoria) are just scary. Kind of like how we use the word predator, but since this is more medieval ages, monster just seemed to kind of put dragons and sea monsters above the danger of say, bears or snakes. If it's a problem I could change it. Buuut. I love me some monsters xD They're not considered magical or anything though.

I'll try to work on the bit about Carris fascinated by monsters. I really like it so I'll try to weave it in better. The goal wasn't so much her being fascinated and wanting to go monster hunting, it was more that they should find a secondary way out, and she was gently mocking Gwyn because she doesn't think there's any monster int he cave system. guess who's right? >.>

hahaha I'll look at that last bit you mention xD make it more Carris-like

Thanks for sticking with this story. A lot of the problems will hopefully be fixed later on :D




Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero