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18+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 9

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.

Devlin shifted on the frozen tree root, grunting as his frozen joints resisted the movement. For the thirtieth time he found himself wishing to be anywhere, even Hoden’s Pass, over this miserable place. At least at Hoden’s Pass there were bonfires.

“Speaking of,” he muttered to himself, “where is everyone. They should have been back.”

How long does it take to pick up a blasted log.

Devlin had intended to keep an eye from the top of the waterfall, but Potter’s Creek was no more than a smoldering cluster of blackened beams and melted metal. The last of the flames was flickering out in the breeze, making it impossible to see if the Sadorians had gone. But Devlin was sure they hadn’t.

They can’t leave survivors.

The crunch of snow below caused Devlin to push himself to his legs. He peered over the edge of the frozen cascade to spot a figure hunched over with something bundled in his arms. Sword on his hip Devlin tip-toed down the natural staircase formed by the roots. The figure had entered the cave so Devlin made no qualms about jumping the last few feet. He landed with a slight jingle of the armor and found the dark entrance. He gave one last look outside and then rushed in, blade drawn.

“Who goes there!”

The figure stumbled as the turned around. Whatever they were carrying banged against the wall and thudded to the ground. Devlin peered into the dark.

“Answer me!” he snapped, sword jabbed within an inch of the figure’s throat.

A raspy, young voice screeched “It’s me, Malcolm.” he fumbled over the words but got out “firewood”.

Devlin sheathed the sword.

Idiot. Obviously that’s what he was carrying. Blasted nerves.

“Erm, sorry. Can’t take too many precautions.” Devlin shook his head. He didn’t need to explain himself. “Pick that wood up and let’s get into the cave. Did anyone follow you?”

Malcolm hurried to grab the logs but as he bent down to pick up a third one the first two rolled out of his arms. Devlin growled and picked one up in each arm. Malcolm just manged to get the other two to the cave before letting them plop to the ground. In torchlight Devlin could see that his arms were barely the circumference of a mug.

“By Vorga, kid, when’s the last time you ate a full meal."

Malcolm turned to him with a sneer. “Just before you led a murderous group of barbarians into my town.”

Devlin’s eyes shot up. “Your town?” He was too surprised to be angry. The boy had attitude. Just like Carris. Must be something in the water.

Yes. My father owns the pottery workshop which if you hadn’t blundered in here in the middle of the night raising fire, you would’ve seen supports most of these miserable people’s lives. That and Porgy,” he nodded with disdain in the direction of the cave entrance. “Speaking of which, where is he?”

Devlin frowned. “Porgy?”

Malcolm squinted. “Yes. Porgy. The fat rat. He was right behind me, huffing and puffing like a cow.”

That’s not good.

A sinking feeling overtook Devlin. “How close was he?”

“Like I said, right behind me.”

“Stay here,” Devlin said, dropping the logs where he stood.

He rushed through the narrow passage to the waterfall. A shout went up just outside the cave. Devlin’s heart dropped.

Hand on his hilt he rushed around the frozen fall an-

WHAM!

Something heavy collided with Devlin, barreling him back to the frozen ground. He wheezed out a cough as the breath left his lungs, and his brain went fuzzy. He could hear the footsteps on the snow and branches nearby.

Not Good, not good, not good.

“There’s more over here!” a shout went up. “Tell Eridan!”

Devlin rolled on his stomach, pushing himself to his feet and bolting for the cave entrance as he heard the whoosh of a blade missing its mark by inches. He practically bounced off the walls through the passage, entering the cave with a frantic cry.

“Get up! Wake up! Under attack!” his voice barely got out of his throat before he was turning to face the Sadorian who came rushing through the entrance. Devlin slid to his knees as the Sadorian entered the main room, ax raised to the ready. He never expected an attack from below him and before he could react Devlin’s sword was cutting through his thick wool jacked and jutting out his back. He wriggled for a moment, eyes wide with shock, a grunt escaping his lips although it looked as if a blood-curdling scream was welled up in the tension on his face.

Devlin pulled his sword free with a rush of blood, rolling to the side as the Sadorian crashed to the ground with enough force to squash a rock it seemed like.

Devlin spun to the townspeople who were groggily rising to their feet at the sound of fighting.

This is not going to end well.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carris and Gwyn entered the crevice and crept along it, careful to avoid any roots or cracks in the ground. The way was wide enough for them to comfortable walk side-by-side for the most part. It began to wind to left, ever so slightly. A secondary passage jutted off to the right. Carris peered down the tunnel.

“Dead end.” Gwyn didn’t seem to care. Her eyes were flicking everywhere, even behind where they had just been.

“You’ll be glad to know that includes no bones,” Carris winked.

Gwyn shrugged her shoulders. “just wait,” she said, arms folded tightly. “We shouldn’t be doing this Carris. We should wait for the firewood and get some sleep.”

Carris continued moving ahead as the path bent more to the left. “What would we do in the meantime? It’s no colder here than back there.”

“There’s no monsters back there,” Gwyn muttered.

Didn’t see those Sadorians, did you? Carris thought, but refrained from voicing to Gwyn. She didn’t need anything else to worry about.

“Hey look,” Carris pointed ahead, “there’s another opening.” No light reflected off of the dark hole in the wall just slighting to their left. That meant no walls nearby. “Could be another cavern.” Her voice quivered with excitement although it was barely above a whisper. “Why have we never come back here before?” she said, the faintest of smiles prying at her lips.

“Because,” and Gwyn swung her arm back toward the way they came,” bones, remember? Carris come on, let’s turn around.”

Carris halted in front of the entrance. It was definitely big. Very big. Like staring into the night sky if one took out every twinkling star.

“Fine.” she sighed. sometimes she wished Gwyn had a little more adventure in her.

They began the walk back, quicker now with the confidence that there was nothing to stumble over. Carris did wrinkle her nose at the fact that there was a slight incline. “I hate hills.”

“You live on a mountain, and you hate hills,” Gwyn said.

“Was that sarcasm?” Carris smirked.

Gwyn let a slight smile tweak her frown, but it was mixed with a grimace. “Maybe.”

Carris laughed and it echoed along the walls, ending in a guttural sound. At least, that was an echo, Carris figured. It didn’t sound quite like an echo.

Great, Gwyn’s got me scared.

A yell echoed down the chamber as they neared the cave. That was no echo. The next scream was audible. “Where do we go?” It was Gwyn’s mother. Carris rushed to the cave and she and Gwyn came upon the scene of the townspeople in a frenzy. Near the entrance of the cave Devlin stood, sword gripped tight in both hands. Two Sadorians were collapsed on top of each other in a pool of blood nearby.

“They found us,” Carris mouthed. “She grabbed Gwyn’s mother, Mrs. Hevel, by the arm. “What happened?”

Mrs. Hevel was in hysteria, eyes wide, cheeks flushed with tears streaming down them. “I don’t know, they just found us. They’ll take my children.”

Carris grit her teeth and glanced back at the back entrance where she and Gwyn had just come from. “No. They won’t. Not tonight. We’re getting out of here.”

Gwyn grabbed Carris’s arms. “But the monster, Carris!”

Carris looked Gwyn in the eyes. “We have no choice.”


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407 Reviews


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Mon Feb 17, 2020 2:53 am
Liberty says...



:0 Just :0

Everything seemed to go so fast, but this was not a fast paced chapter!! It was the excitement!! :P




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Tue Jan 01, 2019 11:25 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Messenger!

Shady back with another review for you! I'm getting to the point in my review succession where I am swiftly running out of ways to open these reviews without just saying the same thing over and over, which is boring, you know? So I'm just going to get started right on the review, since that's what I'm actually here for anyway.

Devlin shifted on the frozen tree root, grunting as his frozen joints resisted the movement.


So... as you may have noticed, I'm a bit of a stickler about repetition, and this stood out to me right away, the use of the word "frozen" twice in the same sentence. It is extremely rare occasions where I'd recommend using the same word twice in such quick succession.

In this case I think "frozen joints" makes a bit less sense than "frozen tree root" so that's the one I'd recommend changing. Stiff joints, sore joints, locked up joints -- there's plenty of ways you can express the stiff joints without using the word "frozen" again (though, in the future, I think I would like this expression, if it didn't come so quickly after another use of the word "frozen")

Not Good, not good, not good.

“There’s more over here!” a shout went up. “Tell Eridan!”


!!!!

That's all I have to say about that :P My emotions are just going !!! at this point.

“You live on a mountain, and you hate hills,” Gwyn said


Same tho.

~ ~ ~

Ack! So much tension! I can't handle this... Jk, I'm eating this up. It's so exciting and I love all of this, even though I'm super worried about the villagers at this point. You did such a good job of setting this up.

When they first got there I was like oh no, not good, they're going to find you! And then you wrote a few more more chapters and I started getting complacent and thinking oh wow yeah they're going to make it, everything is okay. AND NOW THIS. Argh. So much conflict! It's amazing :D

Gotta go read that next chapter to figure out what happens next!

~Shady 8)




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Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:51 pm
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Clarity wrote a review...



Hey Mess, Clary here to finally review again for you.

I’m just going to dive in and point out everything I noticed that could be improved or that I really liked, then give you my overall thoughts at the end.

First off I noticed this:

Devlin shifted on the frozen tree root, grunting as his frozen joints resisted the movement.

Using ‘frozen’ twice feels clunky to me. I recommend another choice of word.

…smoldering cluster of blackened beams and melted metal.

Hm, maybe ‘molten metal’? The ‘melted metal’ just doesn’t read well to me.

I like the encounter with Malcolm. If I’m remembering right, this is the person Carris was having trouble with in earlier chapters… I’m intrigued to see more of him and learn the backstory of what he has done in the past regarding Carris.

the Sadorian crashed to the ground with enough force to squash a rock it seemed like.

I would get rid of ‘it seemed like’. I think it ruins the sentence.

There’s been a few times where you’ve missed capitalisation following the end of a sentence, but I’m not going to go and pick about at punctuation unless you ask me to, so I’m just going to suggest you have another scan through to find them.

So overall, I think this was a good chapter. It introduced a couple of characters, gave us an insight into Carris and Gwyn’s friendship, and helped showcase the actual fear that these people have of the Sadorians. A very good information building chapter I think.

I hope these things helped you out, I’ll try and review Chapter 10 for you over the weekend.

Happy writing,
Clary




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Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:15 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



And hello again! It looks like there's one more chapter here for me to review! :)

Let's get to it!

Plot Thoughts

The fight scene when the Sadorians rushed in was pretty good, and the sense of having already lost was really prominent there with Devlin.

For a reader, when you jump back to Carris right after introducing the danger, I just want to get through that scene to get back to the action -

Here I got a little bit confused on who was doing what action:

A yell echoed down the chamber as they neared the cave. That was no echo. The next scream was audible. “Where do we go?” It was Gwyn’s mother.


Who was screaming? Who was speaking? How could they tell it was Gwyn's mother? I must have missed that Gwyn's mother was with them the whole time - that was all a bit odd for me.

There's a few points where you say that a character grabbed another character's arms - just make sure not to be re-using your action transitions too much, because it becomes a bit repetitive.

Overall this felt very much like a chapter in transition, because we don't really see the fight develop - but it feels like as a reader we're right on the edge of action.

Character Comments

Devlin is an interesting character, because he seems to think very highly of himself and yet he has all these moments of self-doubt too. " Like when he realizes he over-reacted because of his nerves with Malcolm, but then after apologizing says to himself "He didn't need to explain himself" It feels like he's trying to convince himself that he's a leader which is interesting to see.

I was curious what was making Malcolm so upset and confrontational.

Nit-Picks/Little Comments
This is an awkward way to break up the thought: "“Speaking of,” he muttered to himself, “where is everyone. They should have been back.”"

"In torchlight Devlin could see that his arms were barely the circumference of a mug." Seems like "a mug" would not be a particularly standard form of reference - since mugs come in all different sizes.

Ha! Loved this - '“Yes. Porgy. The fat rat. He was right behind me, huffing and puffing like a cow.”"

In this chapter I really just wanted it to get to the fighting or to see what was going to happen next - it felt like it was more of a transitory chapter. I also wonder if it'd be more effective to have Carris' part before Devlin's because Devlin's was a bit more exciting this time around - so it'd build up excitement and tension rather than let it down?

Overall pretty polished and interesting again.

~alliyah

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Mon Sep 24, 2018 3:43 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I'm confused as to why Malcolm thinks the attack is Devlin's fault, unless it's because the Sadorians followed him to this town? But even if that is why the Sadorians are here, how would Malcolm know that? Unless it came up in conversation somewhere and I missed it. Or if Malcolm's just pissed off in general right now, like Carris is, but seriously. Devlin's the guy trying to save their lives right now.

Oh, Porgy. Disobeying a simple order and threatening to get everyone killed by leading the Sadorians right back to the cave.

“There’s no monsters back there,” Gwyn muttered.

Didn’t see those Sadorians, did you?


FAIR POINT. The monsters we don't actually know are there are probably better than the freaky troops legit attacking the town and killing people.

I like the contrast between Carris and Gwyn, how Gwyn is typically the more charismatic one while Carris is the grumpy one, but here Carris is the one all excited to go looking for monsters and Gwyn is scared. I think it's also a really good use of the cave to amp up the tension before they have to flee the Sadorians that way. I actually have a really good idea of different kinds of conflict going on here: the Sadorians are coming from one direction and their only escape is through a spooky tunnel that may or may not have monsters. I think this is one of your stronger chapters.




Messenger says...


Thank you blue. I'm slightly confused on what you're saying about Malcolm? Everyone in the town kinda feels like Devlin showed up then Potter's Creek got burnt to a crisp soooo simple logic in their mind is they followed Devlin and he led the Sadorians to PC. Obviously he was trying to warn them but in the end Carris did more of the saving because Devlin was dragging Sandra along so they don't really see hin as savior. Buuuut that might change soon ;)

That's a relief about the cave monster vs Sadorians tension bit. And the contrast of Gwyn and Carris i tried to focus on so I'm really glad that came through



BluesClues says...


Oh, I guess I just didn't so much get that from the townspeople before? Like I remember them being like "uhhh who put you in charge?" but I don't remember them blaming him for the situation.



Messenger says...


okay, i can see that. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the point out




Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne