z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Williwaw Chapter 20

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

There was no way to be sure, but Carris slept for what felt like a day and a half. All she knew for certain was that Alec had said that someone would be over in the morning and that it was light when she awoke. She was tangled in a mess of blankets. It seemed that despite sleeping for at least a full night, it had not been entirely restful. Her face was pressed into a pillow with a blanket draped over half her face. The half uncovered was warmed slightly by a sliver of sunshine sneaking in from above somewhere.

For several minutes Carris lay still, not entirely sure that she was in fact awake. Her first attempt to roll on her side quickly answered that as her entire body stiffened. It felt as if her limbs were made of lead and her torso was one giant bruise. She shoved the blanket off her face with one grunt and rolled onto her back with another. That’s when she felt the presence in the room. It was the slight creak of a chair to her right. She shoved herself up into a sitting position and promptly crashed her back onto the headrest as all the strength went out of her arms.

“Hey, there, easy now,” came a voice from the unknown presence.

Carris turned to face whoever had spoken. It was an older woman, maybe forty or so. She closed a book she had presumably been reading and rose, placing the book on the squeaky chair where she had been residing.

“My name is Laura,” she said with a warm smile. It reminded Carris of Gwyn, the way her cheeks rolled like a chipmunk. She wiped a dark curl from her eyes. “Alec wasn’t sure how exactly to take care of you, so he asked me to come by and help out.”

Carris nodded but said nothing. Her brain seemed to be unable to get into gear as of yet. She let Laura continue as she wiped the sleep from her eyes and ran a hand through her messy hair.

“I brought you a pair of clothes. It was hard to guess your measurements so they might be a bit on the large side. We can get you into them later, but first, you need some food and drink.”

Laura turned to the fire that seemed to still be going as it had the night before. Carris noticed the strong aroma of Mint again, this time mixed with something spicy, perhaps foreign even. Laura grabbed a mug from the nearby counter and filled it with steaming tea from the black pot over the fire. Unlike the previous night, Carris was able to take the cup for herself. The warmth in her hands brought a sigh to her lips and she raised the cup to her lips, sipping cautiously.

“Need some help,” Laura asked, turning from where she was preparing what looked to be a bowl of something.

Carris shook her head and cleared her throat, which was still dry beyond belief. “Just have a sensitive mouth,” she said, feeling that a smile went along with the statement, but not entirely sure that it in fact appeared on her face. Regardless, she sipped the tea again, feeling the hot liquid run down her throat like a knife. After a few more sips she began to feel as if she was finally awake. She lips her chapped lips and inhaled the steam from the tea.

Laura arrived at her bedside with a bowl of something that was also steaming, and apparently the origin of the spicy smell. Carris looked up in curiosity.

“Is that tera-vine?” she inquired, thankful that her voice got through a whole sentence without squeaking or choking up as it had the previous night.

Laura nodded. “Indeed. I thought it might help clear up your lungs and rouse you a little. Gods know after what happened to you you’re going to need some rousing.”

“What exactly did happen to me?” Carris asked in between a sip of tea.

“Alec said that he found you floating in the water, bumping again his dock. Said you were unconscious and nearly frozen. He dragged you out of the water and brought you here to his hut as fast as he could.”

“And that was just last night?”

“More like afternoon. Sun was still up, else he wouldn’t have spotted you in the water. He takes late afternoon strolls on the riverside. Helps him clear his head. But enough of that. Try to eat as much of that stew as you can while I warm your clothes up by the fire.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Despite how good it smelled, Carris’ efforts to finish the bowl failed halfway through. She felt exhausted like her whole frame was empty of any energy. Laura helped her through the process of standing and getting a fresh pair of clothes. Apparently Alec had stripped her of her outer garments and had Laura replace her undergarments at a moment’s notice the previous night. That was slightly disconcerting to Carris, but it paled in comparison in light of her overall situation.

“I can’t just sit here,” she said as she sat back down on the bed, thoroughly exhausted from having to stand for five minutes. The new clothes were a bit baggy. Things could be worse though. Her new clothes were almost dry, and she could soon be on her way.

“Does anyone here own a horse?”

Laura, who was cleaning Carris’s dishes across the hut hesitated. “A horse? For what, exactly?”

“For me,” Carris said, annoyed at such an obvious question.

Laura laughed in one of those “motherly” high-pitched mocking tones that reminded her of her mom. “You’re in no condition to be riding anywhere, girl. You couldn’t even mount a horse right now if you had one outside.”

Carris huffed. “Yes, well I don’t have much of a choice. I need to get out of here.”

“And exactly why is that? Who you running from?” Laura asked matter-of-factly, not turning to face Carris.

“I-umm- no-no one?” Carris said. “Why would you think that?”

“Lived here my whole life. Plenty of folks have come through here looking for a horse or a boat ride down the river to the shore.”

“Well, not me. I'm trying to go east, not west. And I’m trying to get to a friend, not run away from anything.” Carris folded her arms. Although was that entirely true? Would she not be running from Astoria if she were in the same predicament but Gwyn was not in possible danger?

“Is that a fact? What exactly happened to you?”

“Doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I get to Atheron before it’s too late.”

Laura turned at that.” Too late for what?”

Carris looked at the floor. Should I tell her? Would it even help?

“Nothing. I’m just trying to help a friend out.”

She wasn’t sure if Laura believed her, but she seemed to accept the answer and made no move to continue the conversation. Laura finished with the dishes. She grabbed her book from the chair and made her way for the door.

“Alec won’t be back for another hour or so. I suggest you try to get more rest. “Whatever your reason for getting out of here, the faster you get stronger the quicker you’ll be able to leave. I’ll be back tonight to check on you.”

With that, she was out the door. Carris clenched her teeth. She hated to admit it, but Laura was right. She could barely stand for ten minutes, let alone ride a horse twenty miles.

I’ll give myself one day. Then I’m leaving. 


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Sun Oct 22, 2023 9:37 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Chapter twenty! Slowly but surely I’m getting there!

The thing that struck me most at the start of this was that Carris doesn’t really have any sense of urgency about her. I appreciate that she has no family, and not much else going on now her home has been destroyed but I felt like I was expecting her to want to succeed and get back for Gwyn. The relationship established between them in the first few chapters suggested they were close, but she doesn’t seem worried about leaving her in the care of a virtual stranger, nor seems in any hurry to get back to her. I think if that’s the case, their relationship at the start perhaps needs less emphasis.

The urgency at the end of the chapter makes more sense to me - maybe that could be referenced in her thoughts throughout?

The other thing that stood out to me is how trusting she is of Laura. She has a confessed terrible relationship to look back on with her own mother, and when Laura does things to kind of fill this role I would maybe expect Carris to be more resistant?

The end of the chapter works best for me, perhaps because she’s getting her strength back and being more herself? The last line I think works particularly well, and gives us a time frame which makes sense - so I’m expecting to come back to her next chapter with her basically ready to go.

I do like the new characters of Alec and Laura - definitely interested in how they interact with each other too given Alec’s comment of not having had a woman there in many years. It would be nice to see that before Carris departs.

Hope this was helpful!

Icy




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Sat Sep 30, 2023 11:24 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This party rocked, let's take a quick look!

Laura seems like a nice person. She has looked after Carris very well, I hope Carris heals quickly. Otherwise she and Devlin will be minced meat in no time. But as far as I know, Carris cannot ride a horse. How will she learn to ride a horse and get to her destination at the same time?

I mean, Devlin as Malcolm thinks she's dead. By the way, I suspect the musician of being some kind of mole or traitor. I feel very sad that Devlin thinks so little of Carris now. He trusted her that she would make it and then he just left her for dead. How dare he.

But what is it really about Miles? He just shows up out of nowhere and wants to get involved with Devlin and Gwyn immediately. I mean, do they already know each other?

Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉

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Fri Sep 01, 2023 5:37 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Heeyyy! It was hot so I exercised in the evening and that made me Very Awake. But it's now September so here we are. Figured I'd start on a round number.

The first couple of reviews may be a bit general as I try to piece together all my impressions so far, and then when I've worn out all those things I'll probably get to be more specific to each chapter.

So:

The thing that really stuck out to me as I was reading this (in addition to being like... wow Mess really did come back to a story two years later. What a Boss) was that I wish there were more Vibes.

This is nebulous I guess, and not very literary. But what I'm saying is that, even though you do some really great work with being succinct and accurate in your words, and the pacing is really good, there is kind of a dearth of tonal words, strong character voice/narrator voice, and like... the little sprinklings of things that could eventually become motifs and themes.

I suspect someone has told you... particularly in regards to character feelings, that you should show the action, not tell us the feeling. And this is true to some extent, but you've taken this to a point where we only get the action a lot of the time. You add in some direct thoughts, which help, but obviously they don't fit everywhere. I would say... don't be afraid of a little bit of telling. Despite 'reader' being in the term, readers are not mind-readers, and if there's a particular tone you want to go with an action, sometimes you have to either say it, or go search for a verb with really strong connotations.

One thing I like to do add tone, especially because it also builds up some voice in the narration, is offer opinion on actions. It could be an omniscient narrator's opinion or the opinion of the POV character, regardless, the occasion adjective or adverb, when well-placed, can lend both a better sense of who the narrator is and the Vibe of what is happening to them.

In this chapter, I would highlight this sentence here:

Laura helped her through the process of standing and getting a fresh pair of clothes.

You mention later that Carris find something about this situation disconcerting, but the truth is you could just put some opinions right here. Maybe Laura helped her through the embarrassing process of standing. Maybe it's the frustrating process of standing. Maybe Laura, in a manner far too kind and motherly, helped her through the process of standing.

You don't have to go too hard on this. (I'll admit right now I am liable to use a lot of hyperbole to achieve this effect in my own writing) But the occasional sprinkle of tone or opinion can make a world of difference.

Hope this helps! Maybe I will finally fall asleep now. Lol.

-Vento




Messenger says...


Haha good points for sure. Hopefully that was improved in the more recent chapters, you'll just have to let me know!



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Mon May 31, 2021 6:30 pm
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Yay, we get to see Carris again! I missed her. :)

It seemed that despite sleeping for at least a full night, it had not been entirely restful.

Why the "it seemed?" You could just say that despite sleeping an entire night, she didn't feel that well rested.

Her first attempt to roll on her side quickly answered that as her entire body stiffened. It felt as if her limbs were made of lead and her torso was one giant bruise. She shoved the blanket off her face with one grunt and rolled onto her back with another.

Lovely bit of description here, very easy to imagine.

She closed a book she had presumably been reading and rose, placing the book on the squeaky chair where she had been residing.

Why "presumably?"

And residing feels like a slightly weird word in this context. "Where she had been sitting" is so much more concise and fitting.

“Need some help,” Laura asked

Use a question mark, not a comma.

She felt exhausted like her whole frame was empty of any energy

That is the case, so... why the simile?

“Does anyone here own a horse?”

Laura, who was cleaning Carris’s dishes across the hut hesitated. “A horse? For what, exactly?”

“For me,” Carris said, annoyed at such an obvious question.

Okay, Carris, don't be rude. The nice lady cares about you. Besides, asking for a horse right after drowning/freezing half to death isn't something people will take you seriously for.

Laura turned at that.” Too late for what?”

Carris looked at the floor. Should I tell her? Would it even help?

Why not tell her? Logically, she should tell whoever is willing to listen. It could potentially save lives.

Anyway, I love Carris. She's strong willed and determined to protect Gwyn, which I can greatly respect. She's also a very interesting person. This chapter was very good with terms to character development, although the overall progression of the story appears to have slowed a little. That's not automatically a bad thing, though.

This made for a pleasant, easy read, and is the last chapter I'm reviewing today.

Have a good one!

~ Lee




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Sun Apr 26, 2020 2:55 am
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Icon wrote a review...



Howdy hey, Alpacas comin' at you with a review (that sorta rhymed...)

This was a great chapter, but I have a couple things here that you could work on:

-There are a lot of instances where there are commas missing. I'd suggest proofreading (if you already proofread your work, do it more than once). This usually helps catch small mistakes like that.
-Some sentences were pretty choppy. Again, I'd just suggest proofreading, specifically out loud for this type of mistake.
-A lot of words were very repetitive throughout the story. If a single word pops up too much in a short span of time, it can make the reading experience for your audience quite unpleasant. To remedy this, try rephrasing a sentence, or using a site like thesaurus.com to help.

I hope this was a helpful review!




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Tue Feb 18, 2020 4:54 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Mess!

Shady here with a review, at last! Let's get started...

There was no way to be sure, but Carris slept for what felt like a day and a half.


Lol I'm p sure I snarked about this on the pad, but I stand by that snark. Like she could just ask Alec/Laura, bam, way to know for sure. I get what you're going for here -- but maybe try to make it be her groggy thoughts a bit more? Like you kind of go into her rationale for why she thinks it's a day and a half -- but that doesn't really carry the weight of it, if that makes sense?

Like I'd love to get more imagery here. Personally, when I sleep too much at once, I get a really bad headache and my mouth feels dry and my breath is terrible and I feel like a sea troll that wallows up from the pits of despair. I'd love to have a bit more imagery so I can feel how she's feeling, and then move into the rationale of just how long it's been since she went to sleep?

“Need some help,” Laura asked,


o no she asked with a comma

She lips her chapped lips


How does one lip her chapped lips?

“I can’t just sit here,” she said as she sat back down on the bed, thoroughly exhausted from having to stand for five minutes.


Can I just say how thoroughly I enjoy this? Like, this is it, this is Carris in a nutshell. Making bold proclamations about how she's gotta keep going -- even as she's getting thoroughly exhausted just from standing to change her clothes. You're such an idiot, Carris, and ily <3

~ ~ ~

This is a nice little chapter! I liked it! I like Laura overall and I'm glad that Carris fell into friendly forces at the end of her trip down the river. It's good for her to have friends, and for there to be a bit of a breather here after all the action we've had up to this point. I'm glad that she's not just charging back into battle in an instant. Her body has been through a lot and it's good and realistic for her to be weak and needing to heal right now before she can jump back into the action.

And, even as this is a breather chapter, it still somewhat serves to heighten the stakes. Stuff is happening -- the world is still going on as normal, even as Carris is waiting here, and it makes me wonder what is going to happen while she's recovering. Adds a bit of background tension as she's healing. Good stuff.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Messenger says...


hahaahah how does one go about finding out how sea trolls feel in the depths of despair? xD thx for reviewing so quickly. Tips and commas noted ;)



Shady says...


Haha, personal recommendation is to sleep for a day and a half ;)



Messenger says...


i see what you did there "cleveh girl"




The poetry of the earth is never dead.
— John Keats